How to Explain Terrorism to your Child?

As parents, there is a constant temptation to shield our children from bad news. But sometimes, and in particular with acts of terrorism, bad news is unavoidable - it’s in on television, it’s on social media, and it’s on our minds.

Experts from the Royal College of Psychiatrists have advised that parents should be honest with their children about the Manchester terror attack. "We would not advise hiding your child from what may be on the news or social media," said Dr Bernadka Dubicka, chairwoman-elect of RCP's child and adolescent psychiatry faculty. "They will inevitably learn about it from their friends, so it's best to be honest with them about what has happened.

Yet how exactly do you go about explaining to a young child that 22 people have been murdered at a concert?

Language Matters

For children of all ages, the most important thing is to reassure them that they are safe. Don’t get into the political context with primary-aged children. That may come up in conversation with older children, but the importance at any age is offering the reassurance that they are safe.

For pre-school children, use concrete language: don’t say “This person went to sleep” or “We’ve lost that person” - because that could instil fear or anxiety in that child about going to sleep. And what does lost mean? They’re lost at the shops? Be accurate and mindful of the impact of your language.

Age-appropriate conversations

For pre-school, think about how much exposure they’ve had. Maybe they’ve overheard the news, so the conversation could be quite brief: acknowledge what has happened, and say that lots of people have died as a result of a really bad incident. You can say that we don’t know why this has happened.

As the parent or teacher or carer, the most important part is to offer reassurance: this is very unusual, there are lots of safety checks in place to protect us.

Use age-appropriate language, and be aware of what your child understands: do they really know what “died” means? It’s usually not until the age of 5 or 6 that children understand that death is permanent.

With primary school, the majority will understand what “dead” means. So it may be that you can add details - you may be able to sit down and watch the 6 o’clock news together.
The perpetrators

You should talk about a bad action or behaviour - not bad people. Ms Allen explains: “A lot of our work is with families bereaved through murder.

With children, you must be careful about the language: people aren’t bad - it’s something bad that they’ve done - this helps prevent anxiety in children, and fears that ‘bad people’ are coming to get them.”

Social Media Awareness

Secondary school aged children will have come across news about the attacks already on social media. Remind them that some of the things they have read there may be incorrect. Have a conversation with your child about what they think has happened.

Talk about the images they’ve seen - these can be more powerful than words.

If they see an image, and haven’t had a conversation with someone they trust, they will build up these images something that is so big that it’s unmanageable for them; you don’t want a child to start fantasising that someone is going to come after them.
Promote peace

When I have spoken to my children, who are primary and pre-school age, about previous terror attacks, I've tried to shift their focus towards the coming together people in the aftermath, and the work people around the world to keep everyone safe.

Shield them
This hysteria is exactly what the people carrying out these acts want. And it is exactly this sort of hysteria that we, as parents, need to protect our children from. Instead, this is the sentiment we need to spread: that the majority of the world wants peace.

KEY POINTS

• This story is upsetting for children because they can imagine something like this happening to them or someone close to them.
• The next few days might be more difficult as images of people grieving will be shown on the television, which can be upsetting for children and might trigger more questions.
• It is very unusual that something like this happens. This is one of the reasons why it is on the news and lots of people are talking about it; it is also because it is very upsetting that something like this could happen.
• Children find the idea of bad people particularly frightening. Children are also very fair-minded and will want reassurance that the person who did this has been caught by the police and will be punished.
• This can be an opportunity to help young people develop their empathy and reflect on the value of life and relationships.

What if they ask why it happened?
If the children want to know ‘why?’ you could say something like:

‘No-one can completely know why. We know it wasn’t an accident. It’s so, so difficult to understand why anyone would be so cruel as to kill other people.’

If your children are scared they or you will die.
Try to answer with some solid reassurance, such as: "We don’t expect anything like this will ever happen here.

"If one of us died for any reason, you would always be looked after by ­­­­­­______ (the other parent/aunt/uncle/granny/family friend). I don’t expect to die for a long time yet’.

May the beautiful beings who lost their precious lives yesterday, rest in peace.

When to Worry About Your Child's Worries, Childhood Anxiety?

It's normal for kids to be anxious from time to time, but how can you know whether your child's worries are cause for concern? Here are smart suggestions from the experts at the Child Mind Institute

All kids have fears. Your baby may panic if a stranger picks her up. Your toddler may be afraid of dogs. Your third grader may get a stomach-ache the day he's starting a new school. But some kids worry a lot more than others. It's always painful to watch a child suffer from anxiety, but it's especially difficult if you're not sure whether she's worrying too much and might need help.

The difference between normal worry and an anxiety disorder is severity. Although feeling anxious is a natural reaction to a stressful or dangerous situation, a child may need help if his anxiety is out of proportion, if it persists, or if it interferes with his life and healthy development.

Signs Your Child May Be Anxious

A young child who is overwhelmed by worries may not realise that those worries are unrealistic or exaggerated, and he may not express them, except by his behaviour. If he's anxious that something might happen to a parent, he may have trouble separating, or falling asleep. If he can't stop worrying about getting sick, he might seek constant reassurance, or wash his hands obsessively.

Children who have severe anxiety will also try to avoid the thing that triggers it. If a child refuses to participate in activities other children enjoy; if she throws a tantrum before every appointment with the dentist or doctor appointment; if she gets sick on Sunday nights, or spends a great deal of time in the sch, serious anxiety may be the culprit.

Separation Anxiety

Separation Anxiety

If the prospect of being separated from parents or caregivers causes a child extreme distress, she may have separation anxiety disorder. Difficulty separating is normal in early childhood; it becomes a disorder if the fear and anxiety interfere with age-appropriate behaviour, whether it's letting a parent out of her sight at 18 months or being dropped off at school at age 7.

A child with separation anxiety might have an extremely difficult time saying goodbye to her parents, being alone on one floor of the house, or going to sleep in a darkened room, because she is terrified that something will happen to her or her family if they are separated. She might avoid playdates and birthday parties; at home, she might "shadow" one parent constantly. She might experience stomach-aches, headaches, and dizziness in anticipation of the separation.

Generalised Anxiety Disorder

If a child seems to worry too much, in a pervasive way, about ordinary, everyday things, he might have something called generalized anxiety disorder. This kind of anxiety is often focused on performance in school or sports -- Will I pass the test? What if I don't play well? Will I get into a good college? It may drive extreme studying or practicing, making the child "his own tyrant," in the words of one Child Mind Institute clinician.

Kids with GAD worry incessantly about their ability to meet expectations. They tend to seek reassurance in an attempt to assuage their fears (Will we get there on time? What if I can't fall asleep the night before the test?) and they can be rigid and irritable. The stress they experience can lead to physical symptoms, including fatigue, stomach-aches, and headaches.

Specific Phobias

 If a child isn't anxious in general, but is excessively fearful of a particular object or situation, he may have a specific phobia. This crippling fear will manifest when he's confronted by the thing -- dogs, clowns, loud noises, water, insects, the dark -- either directly or indirectly, such as seeing an image or hearing a song about it.

Children with specific phobias will anticipate and avoid the thing that triggers their fear, which can severely limit their activities. They may cry or throw tantrums to avoid the object of their distress, or experience physical symptoms like trembling, dizziness, and sweating.

Social Anxiety Disorder 

Most children are occasionally shy or self-conscious, but when a child (usually a teenager) is excessively worried about doing something embarrassing, or being judged negatively, she may have social anxiety disorder. Fear of doing something that may cause humiliation may prompt a child to avoid school or other social situations, and to cry or throw tantrums when pressured to go.

Some children have social anxiety focused on performing -- speaking in class, for instance, or ordering in restaurants and shopping in stores. Others also have anxiety in social situations even when they're not in the spotlight, which makes them fear going to school, eating in public, and using public toilets.

Selective Mutism

If a child is talkative in the privacy of home but unable to speak in school and other social situations, she may have selective mutism. Parents and teachers sometimes interpret this silence as wilful, but the child is actually paralyzed by extreme self-consciousness.

Selective mutism can cause a child severe distress -- she can't communicate even if she is in pain, or needs to use the bathroom -- and can prevent her from participating in school and other activities. Some children seem frozen, like deer in the headlights, when they are called upon to speak. Others will use gestures, facial expressions, and nodding to communicate without talking. Even at home, some will fall silent when anyone other than a family member is present.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

If a child is plagued with intense fears, and feels compelled to perform repetitive rituals to make them go away, he may have obsessive-compulsive disorder. Children with OCD are overwhelmed by unwanted thoughts and fears (obsessions), which they defuse, or neutralize, by repetitive actions (compulsions).

Common obsessions are fear of contamination, fear that they or someone close to them will be harmed, and fear that they themselves will do something terrible. They may compulsively wash their hands, lock and relock doors, or touch parts of their bodies symmetrically to neutralize the fear and make themselves comfortable. They may also repeatedly ask questions and seek reassurance, and they may insist that others participate in their rituals.

What To Do If Your Child May Need Help?

The first step in seeking help for a child is an evaluation. The clinician you see should have diagnostic expertise and should explain the sources of information she's going to use. It's a good idea to keep track of the behaviours that worry you and when they occur, to help identify possible triggers. A brief office visit with your child is not sufficient for a diagnosis.

In choosing a professional to treat your child, it's best to find someone trained to work with children -- a board certified child and adolescent psychiatrist, or a licensed psychologist. The clinician should explain clearly what a therapy entails, what it's effective for, why he recommends it, and the extent of his training and experience with it.

Some useful Links
ReachOut.com Reliable information for parents about supporting young people’s mental health and wellbeing
https://www.shine.ie/

https://childmind.org/