Children Grieve Too

It is Children Bereavement Week #childrengrievetoo 

Dear David Coleman: How normal is my daughter's grieving for her puppy?

Q. My daughter is 11 years old. She had a puppy who died recently and it has been really upsetting for her. She is constantly visiting where we buried the puppy, or taking the puppy's teddy and hugging it. She spends a lot of her time remembering happy times she had with the pup.

She talks in her sleep about the pup and wakes two to three times a night with dreams. She has also become very clingy to me lately and is hugging me a lot.

Should I be worried or is this a normal kind of grieving?

David replies: It is easy to underestimate the power of the relationships that any of us can form with our pets. Children, especially, can connect with pets in such an unfiltered way, where their pet returns their love and affection without judgement, that the relationship can be very deep and very meaningful.

It sounds like this may have happened for your daughter and her puppy. She may have been especially attuned to her puppy, forming a deep connection with it.

The fact that the puppy died when it was still young, also suggests that the death was sudden or unexpected. Your daughter sounds like she is experiencing the shock and deep hurt of the loss.

Children (and adults) can grieve their pets' deaths with the same intensity and same power as they may grieve someone close to them who dies. Indeed, many children will experience the death of a pet before the death of a loved person, and this experience of grieving might be a learning experience for them about death, loss and their own coping ability.

The various things that your daughter is doing, like visiting the grave of her puppy, holding on to a favoured item of her puppy (the teddy bear), and relying on you for greater security, do all sound quite normal, especially as the death is relatively recent.If she loved her dog, then she is bound to really miss him. That means she is likely to experience all of the same feelings as humans do in any bereavement. So she may feel shock, anger, deep sadness, guilt, hopelessness and so on.

There is no linear process that we follow in grief. It isn't that we feel a series of feelings in a regimented sequence, rather we can experience any or all of the feelings to a greater or lesser extent and there is no predictable pattern to when we'll feel those feelings. So, too, with your daughter.

Right now, she just sounds very sad and like she is missing the puppy a lot. Perhaps she is also trying to work out how she will fill the gap that its loss has left in her life.

I think that being able to be at the grave, and having the teddy as a transitional object (like a reminder of the puppy's presence), are just part of her particular grieving process. The disturbed sleep is also, I think, just an indicator of how emotionally distressed she is.So, it is good that you are there for her to lean on. It is good that she is turning to you for support, even if that appears clingy. You can't take the pain of the loss away, but you can help to recognise what those feelings are.

At age 11, she might struggle to describe the complexity of her feelings about her puppy and it's death. So, one way to support her, is to try to help her to put words on those feelings, by empathising with how you think she might feel.

This will give her the emotional language to continue to process her feelings and it will also give her a strong sense that you might understand her and how she is feeling. This is a very powerfully supportive thing to be able to offer a child. Even though you can't make the problem go away, it will be clear to her that you are right beside her and attuned to her.

Time and your emotional support are the two things that will help her to adjust to the death of her puppy. You can't rush the time, it will have to go at it's own pace. It is only if she still seems stuck and hasn't moved on from clinging to you and the teddy, as the months pass that would indicate her grieving is especially complicated or problematic. For now, just let her cling and acknowledge just how sad she feels. Nature will help her to find a way through this process in due course.

Link to Article

https://amp.independent.ie/life/family/parenting/dear-david-coleman-how-normal-is-my-daughters-grieving-for-her-puppy-36307641.html

If you have any parenting queries for David Coleman, please email dcoleman@independent.ie. Please note that David cannot enter into individual correspondence

Fantastic Resources can be found  at:

http://www.childhoodbereavement.ie/families/children-and-grief/#.Wgrhmrp2vIX

Supporting parents, guardians and professionals who care for grieving children and young people is kindly supported by

How to Support Schools and Students Dealing with Loss

Schools

When there is a death in the school community the impact can be quite significant and every school should think about having a critical incident management plan which will help them take the appropriate steps when a sudden tragedy occurs.

Deaths and other incidents do happen in all communities some having a greater effect in schools. Ideally they should be prepared with a well- developed plan and have a team in place with clearly defined roles.

If a death does occur, schools should often have also consider seeking external support. Thus the need for our "Dealing with Loss" add-on to our programmes which can be tailor made to each school.  Read More

This will vary between schools and there may be clear protocols and policies about the action to take when a death occurs in the school community.

Often both staff and children are  impacted by a death of a community member, parent or pupil and it can help to have somebody with training and some distance who can ‘walk beside’ the staff to plan and implement the response.

Action Plan

Don’t jump to conclusions or react too quickly – take a planned approach (with a team) to gathering and confirming information firstly, work with the family to plan what and how information can be shared.

Staff shouldn’t share information with students in large groups – instead, after permission has been granted, they should consider how to tailor delivery of information.

This might mean sharing of information to individuals or small groups (for those closest to the person who died) as well as in classroom groups.

Supporting the teacher with this task is important.  This enables pupils and staff to take in the information, ask questions and express feelings in a familiar and safe environment.

The response that is best in the period immediately after an incident or death is Psychological First Aid, which recognises that people benefit from some support, information and connection with each other but that most people will recover well from incidents such as a death in the school community.

Students

Grief may be an unavoidable part of life but it can have a huge impact on students as well as their ability to learn – here, one community psychologist offers her advice on helping kids through it.

We know that if a child is experiencing difficulties with emotions their learning will be impacted so school staff are very aware of these links and see their role as being about the whole child – which includes how they are feeling.

In our workshops we are having conversations with children about how they feel. A child who is sad or grieving will hopefully feel comfortable to share that with their teacher.

For those who aren’t able to be so open, there are some common signs to look out for which may indicate a child is struggling – however, she these will vary depending on age, cultural background and personality.

Typical behaviours can include crying, showing signs of anxiety, becoming easily upset, irritable or angry when they usually wouldn’t, being extra clingy to parents/carers or siblings, losing interest in school work or activities, regressing behaviours where the child acts younger than they usually do. As teachers get to know children very well, they will often notice that something the child is doing is out of character for them.

Ways Staff Can Support their Students

• Noticing that the child is showing some changes or signs that something is wrong if the first step, then “checking in” to open the door to a conversation.
• Listen when the child wants to talk
• Protect the child’s privacy by not talking in front of other children
• Problem solve with the child about what will help at school. For example, a child who is grieving may want to have a picture or photo on their table or have some quiet time to draw or write about their feelings when they’re feeling sad or upset.
• Be ready to check in with the family and work together.
• If the child is continuing to be upset over time and efforts to support him or her aren’t making a difference, be mindful of the limits of your role and consider when to talk with parents and the school wellbeing person about a possible referral for specialist support
• Take care of yourself too – hearing sad stories and seeing a child who is upset can be distressing and sometimes remind staff members of their own losses.

What Not to Do

• Certainly not to dismiss the signs or hope the child will “get over it” – it’s important that children feel heard and understood.
• On the other extreme, don’t over-react to a child who is distressed or their behaviours related to distress. Listen to understand what behaviours might mean and problem solve together with the child and family so that they see that feelings are normal and the school will support them.

If your school wishes to avail of our Dealing with Loss programme, email hello@buddybench.ie or call us on 056 7702027.