A Very Special Buddy Bench For a Special Boy !

Made by Midland’s Prison Campus in Port Laois

By our in-house psychotherapist Judith Ashton BA ITEC MFPhys IMTA ,

Working with our Buddy Bench Aware Programme in primary schools is a fantastic opportunity to introduce young children to the concept of friendship and emotional awareness, communication and listening to each other, and today Nov 28t 2016 was a very special day for me. I visited Scoil Aonghusa in Cashel, Co. Tipperary as they took delivery of one of  the most wonderful Buddy Benches I have seen to date. It was beautifully handcrafted by the men in the metalwork department  of the Midland’s Prison Campus in Port Laois, thank you very much.

Scoil Aonghusa in Cashel, Co. Tipperary

They had  specially made this bench for a  six year boy  who is a pupil there. Sadly he was not in school today as he is currently in hospital in Dublin but we all hope that he will soon get to sit on this fantastic bench.

Scoil Aonghusa is a wonderful ,  modern, colourful and happy place for 90+ children and teens with multiple  challenges ( physical and emotional) where all the pupils have moderate to severe learning difficulties. I was greeted at the door by a fantastic helper called Daisy. Daisy is a Labrador who  does a great job bringing joy to everyone she meets. The teachers here are all very dedicated and the students are a credit to themselves and their parents. I had the pleasure of meeting a student council of six lads who were all very interested in The Buddy Bench and they all thought it was a great idea for the school. They could not wait to try it out and we took lots of photos of them sitting on the bench together.

A Very Special Bench For You A.B. with Love.

It is days like this that make me very happy to be working with our Buddy Bench Aware Programme , and seeing the happiness on the pupil’s faces is something that I will never forget.

Buddy Bench Ireland's Visit to Limavidy Co. Derry

“Intelligence plus character-that is the goal of true education.”    Martin Luther King 

With great pleasure we attended a fantastic event this week where  representatives of nine Limavidy schools came together to be presented with their Buddy Benches, aided by the  joint effort of Mags Connolly, Tesco's Champion Co-Ordinator and Brian Mc Closkey of  Ballykelly Men's Shed and the group of shedders of course.

For whatever reason this quote "intelligence plus character- that is the goal of true education" from MLK himself echoed in my mind. The group effort of many hard working determined people invited us from Kilkenny, children from nine different schools, teachers from those schools and several different representatives together with one common goal. To educate the children, to enhance their emotional intelligence and to set them on the right path of social and emotional learning.

All the children from:

Limavady Central Primary School 

Termoncanice Primary School 

Gaelscoil Léim An Mhadaidh 

Rossmar Special School

Roe Valley Integrated Primary School 

Drumachose Primary School 

Ballykelly Primary School 

St. Matthews Primary School  

Together they gathered in the assembly hall of Limavidy Central Primary School to listen to our in-house psychotherapist Judith Ashton, give a taster of our Buddy Bench Aware programme. Children naturally embrace these programme where we repeat our ethos "Look Up, Look Around and Look Out For Each Other".

Thank you to all involved and we are so looking forward to delivering our full programme to these and many schools in Northern Ireland.

See You Soon

The Buddy Bench Team 

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Buddy Bench Aware Programmes

Our Buddy Bench Aware programmes are school-wide social and emotional learning programmes that helps children manage their behaviour, develop empathy and compassion, build positive social relationships, and understand and cope with their feelings. Children have taught us their needs and milestones change dramatically throughout the school duration, therefore our team of psychotherapists have designed four different age appropriate programmes.

• Little Buddies age pre-school 3-6
• Buddy Bench Aware age 7-9
• Buddy Bench Hero age 9-12
• Buddy Bench Post Primary 12+

All children deserve good mental health. That's why we have adapted our school programmes for children with Special Educational Needs.

We use a Buddy Bench as a visual tool to help instil much needed lifelong coping skills which is the objective of our Buddy Bench Aware programme. Our thoroughly researched program has been designed by our team and in-house psychotherapist Judith Ashton BA ITEC MFPhys IMTA, who has over 30 years expertise in her field. For the younger children the story in our interactive workbook, written by our Creative Consultant Jeffrey Gormly and illustrated by the very talented Ross Stewart of Cartoon Saloon. It is a story with animals and each animal represents a thought or a feeling but is creative and innovative , being open ended leaving so much to the individual child's imagination. Through our research if a buddy bench is placed in playground without a program it very quickly becomes an attractive climbing frame.

We, as a team of psychotherapists physically visit the school or organisation, our programmes are designed to allow and encourage a child to "feel a feeling" or to "think a thought" we know it is vital that a trained person is present and can identify a situation or problem if it arises, they will then flag a teacher/worker so they can decide if further intervention via the school or the organisation is required.

We are connected with the Ir​​ish Men's Sheds on a national level, you can source a bench through them for a cost of approximately €150  which includes a donation to each of the sheds. www.menssheds.ie

Book our team to come to your school and deliver our Buddy Bench Aware programmes which entwines heavily with SPHE. Each sessions is 45 mins in duration which consists of reading our story, role play and/or games which is delivered by our trained staff. Each pupil receives his/her own copy of the interactive workbook to be completed at school or even with the help of their family at home.

"A state of well-being in which the individual realises his or own abilities, can cope with the

normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully and is able to make a contribution to

his or her own community". (WHO, 2001, p.1)

Some of the photos of us Buddy Benchers delivering the "Buddy Bench Aware" programme. These bright as buttons children really got the messages behind the story and really embrace it.

The ethos behind our program is :

LOOK UP, LOOK AROUND, LOOK OUT FOR EACH OTHER

“We have begun to see positive changes in behaviour, better use of problem solving conversations, reduced discipline incidents, and improved feelings of safety from bullying among our children,” said  Lydia Coyne.

After implementing the programme, children knew techniques to solve problems with classmates and ways to “cool off” and manage anger-related emotions." said  Michelle Coleman

The Importance of Giving Children Chores and Responsibilities

Written by our in-house psychotherapist Judith Ashton BA ITEC MFPhys IMTA,

I recently visited an African friend of mine who has three small boys under four years old. She is a wonderful mother and I have never seen her stressed or raising her voice to her children. She appears very relaxed and unflappable. She is firm and fair with her children and they are very well behaved. At  29 years old she seems to have embraced motherhood in a very happy and fulfilled way. I have often marvelled at her poise and wondered how she manages to manage her life with three little ones. They are all energetic , they play well but are rarely over the top.  Many young Irish mums with three under four would be freaking out, out of control , complaining of soaring stress levels and there would be noise and mayhem.

What is my African friend’s secret? Given , she has a wonderful partner and they are both consistent in their approach to their children but he works shifts and she is alone and housebound much of the time . How is she coping so very well?

The children have tasks that she expects them to do every day. These tasks include tidying up their toys, cleaning their teeth, laying the table, putting their used plates in the sink ( even tho they can hardly reach it!)putting on their pyjamas, going to bed when told , helping her and each other and sweeping the floor. She has gently and effectively trained her sons to do these chores . They know they have to do them and accept that it is expected of them and they will not get a treat if they don’t. A treat in this case may be: a biscuit, an apple or to watch TV. As a consequence these boys are very well behaved and polite.

When I was a child we all had chores. Many young families these days, don’t seem to . According to Richard Rende, developmental psychologist and co-author of “Raising can-do kids.”, chores benefit  kids emotional, academic and even professional development. He says, “ Parents today want kids spending time on things that can bring success, but ironically, we’ve stopped one thing that’s actually been a proven predictor of success and that is household chores.”

Research shows that giving children household chores at an early age builds such qualities as self-reliance and  responsibility. Professor Rossman from University of Minnesota followed a  group of 84 children from pre-school to their mid 20s and she found that the ones who had done chores from the ages of 3 and 4 achieved higher academic scores, had better relationships with friends and      family, earlier career success and were generally more self-reliant than the kids who had no chores or who started chores in their teens.

Another study from Richard Weissbourd of Harvard Graduate School of Education found that chores teach children about empathy and being responsive to other’s needs. He  surveyed 10,000 high school children and asked them to rank achievement or happiness over caring for others. The interesting result was that 80% chose happiness and achievement over caring for others…..He says that this shows, “We’re out of balance because research suggests that most personal happiness comes not from high achievement but from strong relationships and caring for others! A good way to  start readjusting priorities, is by learning to be kind and helpful at home.”

The message seems to be; do not to fixate on grades and academic achievement over and above chores . Grades are not more important than caring for others. Chores teach a child about emotional intelligence and caring , the very human qualities which in turn lead to happiness.

Ways to engage and motivate your child to do chores

In a study of 150 3 to 6 year olds published in the journal of Child Development  researchers found that thanking young children for ,”being a helper” rather than, “helping” increased their desire to pitch in. This seemed to create a positive identity, eg being known as a person who helps.

It is important to schedule chores : so make a timetable and stick it on the fridge. This creates a routine along with other commitments.

Start from an early age and slowly add more responsibility.

Chores are things that do not always need rewards… they simply have to be done! Who rewards mum for doing the ironing or dad for cutting the grass ?!

Psychologists differentiate between self -care tasks e.g.; tidying your bedroom and family- care tasks e.g. Sweeping the kitchen floor or washing up. Family care tasks foster empathy for others and build sense of social responsibility. Let your child choose his/her task and then they are more likely to follow through.

Language re: chores is important when co-operation counts. There is a difference between commanding a child, ”Do your chores!” as opposed to, “Let’s do our chores.”  Chores are more of a way of caring for others as opposed to a punishment.

The more we complain about housework…. So will children, so try to keep as positive as possible about what needs to be done and hopefully home life will be harmonious and everyone will be caring and happy!

I look forward to following my friend’s 3 boys over the years ahead.

Good luck and today is a good day to start with giving your child some chores around the home!

Raise Happy, Successful Children with These Habits

A No Rule Day !

The responsibilities of a parent are possibly the biggest anyone might face in their lives. Not only are you responsible for keeping another human being alive and safe for the first stage of their life, but also for teaching them how to be healthy, happy and decent.

What most parents do not know is that until the age of about seven, they are their child’s only role-model. Your children are watching you 24/7 to figure out how to survive in this crazy world, and what behaviors and emotional responses they need to exhibit to meet their needs, such as attention, love, significance, comfort and affection.

In the case of parenting, actions speak louder than words. If you are telling your children to play fair at school and be nice, but at home you are constantly snapping at your partner, it is what you do rather than what you say that will have the bigger impact. They will either adopt the same behavior or rebel against it, neither of which are predictable.

This does not mean you have to be model parents all the time. That would be unrealistic. You are only human after all. However, being aware of your behavior in front of your children, and explaining your behavior to them in an emotionally intelligent way, are crucial. Making sure they recognize it is about you, not them, is key to bringing up emotionally healthy kids. What other habits do you need to adopt to raise happy and successful children?

1) Demonstrate independence
If you want to raise independent children, you need to teach them how to be independent. This includes leading by example. Needy parents often hold their children responsible for their emotions, creating environments of psychological control: “Behave this way or mummy / daddy will be very stressed / hurt / upset.”

Children do not get the chance to explore what they like or dislike, or who they are in this kind of environment, always trying to be someone that mum or dad wants them to be. They will continue this way into their teens, and will be more susceptible to peer pressure in later life, being someone they are not just to fit in.

2) Let go of your need to controlWe all want a level of certainty in our lives, but real happiness comes from being able to live in a world of uncertainty - knowing that no matter what happens ‘out there,’ we will be OK – because in reality, we have very little control over anything.

Children brought up by over-controlling parents have been shown to have higher rates of stress and depression in later life. Believing they are incompetent, and that nothing they ever do is good enough, leads to low self-confidence and poor self-image.

3) Communicate calmly and intelligently
Successful people generally have high emotional intelligence and excellent communication skills. To give your kids a head start in developing these, you need to learn how to communicate calmly and intelligently yourself. Shouting not only creates a harsh environment for your children, but also teaches them that in order to make themselves understood, they have to shout. This will not help them in their relationships later in life.

Intelligent communication is communicating how you feel without blaming the other person. “When I see or hear ‘this,’ I interpret it as ‘x’ and that makes me feel ‘y’,” is a good format to start with.

4) Be present
Kids are more likely to be secure and self-assured when raised by parents who are present. Parents who spend more time on their phone, working, answering emails etc. are giving the impression their kids come second. While this might not be the case, children internalize and personalize everything. All your behavior will always be about them. Help your kids feel important by being present in their presence.

5) Be your own cheerleader
If you want your kids to have healthy self-esteem, you need to show them how to be their own internal cheerleader, to recognize their own value without relying on external sources. Start by praising their accomplishments, then migrate toward showing them how to recognize their own achievements, so when they are an adult they will not still be seeking your approval or that of others.

This must be done by leading by example. How good are you at recognizing your own self-worth and accomplishments? If the answer is “not very,” look at ways you can start to develop this so you can show your children how to do it for themselves.

6) Be open and warm
Successful, happy adults are generally great at forming friendships and relationships, most likely because they are open and approachable. Creating a warm, open environment for your children is crucial to their emotional wellbeing and success in later life.

Demonstrate affection and openness with your kids and partner, giving them the freedom to communicate how they feel and be who they are. This will positively impact your family, and bode well for your children’s future happiness.

7) Enjoy your children

Being a parent is a lot of work, a full time job  alongside a full time job. Our work is never ending and at times this is daunting for most of us. I sometimes have no rules days, where I give myself the freedom to escape routine, throw caution to the wind, dump housework go for long walk on the beach and get a bag of chips afterwards. My  daughter and I enjoy these seldom special days where we can just be, and enjoy the freedom.

The Danger of Raising Screen Babies.

Judith Ashton In-house psychotherapist Buddy Bench

Written by our in-house psychotherapist Judith Ashton BA ITEC MFPhys IMTA, referring to and accrediting Dr Mary Aiken http://www.maryaiken.com/

Last month I was sitting in Rodez airport departure lounge reading a magazine when I looked up and became aware of the relative silence around the place and the absorption of nearly all of my fellow travellers, young and old in their screens. I was struck by the lack of communication between the adults and children when I noticed one young father, only one, with a toddler on his lap reading a picture book. I felt as if I was witnessing a lost image of childhood right there before my eyes and was deeply saddened….. I was looking it seemed at a species on the edge of distinction and was scared by the Frankenstein images that started to percolate through my mind of the future generations of what are being called “cyberbabes”.

A lot is now being written about the real dangers of screen time on the normal developmental markers of humans. Babies brains grow and develop in response to certain stimuli from the start and the most important of these are touch, sounds and eye contact. If these aspects are lacking a baby will soon lose contact with reality and become withdrawn and resigned. Many young parents are more fixated on their mobiles than on their offspring and look much more at the screen than on baby. This is a recent development and is sure to have long term behavioural consequences. I heard someone say recently that mobile phones should carry the warning, “ WARNING : NOT LOOKING AT YOUR BABY COULD CAUSE SIGNIFICANT DEVELOPMENTAL DELAYS.”

I remember arguing with my children’s father about not giving our lads mobile phone too early as I had heard about the damaging health effects. His argument was, “Well everybody else has them so what’s the problem?” That was exactly the problem. Social peer pressure as opposed to scientific research which few people read till it’s too late. So many of the “latest” things have not had the luxury of time to measure their effects on human beings…. Our headlong rush into and adulation of modern technology has blinded us to the dangers until the damage is done. The list is long but here are a few: cigarettes, alcohol, the pill, HRT, statins, many medications to name but a few. I believe in years to come there will be a big re-think on screens. Wait and see…. There seems to be a current trend amongst young people to “get healthy” with exercise/diet/ yoga etc but an abject non-awareness of the health risks of screen use.

Dr. Mary Aiken is an Irish Cyberpsychologist and expert researcher in this field and she has just published a new book, “The Cyber Effect”. It is sobering to say the least and we need to wake up now to the ill effects on screens on our children if we are to be really responsible parents. There are many teens now being diagnosed with screen addictions and concentration issues caused by screens and also screen deficit disorder when the screen is removed. How can this have happened in one generation? As parents we need to keep our eyes on the ball at ALL times to allow our children to develop as normally as possible in our ever increasingly challenged society. You would not allow your baby or toddler to be exiled and isolated in a wilderness would you ?

Of course not…. But allowing them constant exposure to screens is comparable in my opinion. Children need to be in the real world, doing real things for development. They need company, relationships, voice stimulation, healthy touch and exercise. Kids need to be using creativity and imagination and the toys of yesteryear, dolls/teddy-bears/puzzles/colouring books/lego etc all stimulated creativity and the imagination. We as parents need to make time to engage with these pursuits with our kids…. To walk, feed ducks, go cycling etc. I believe such activities are essential not options for every-ones health and well- being and create a good basis for future relationships. No kid ever wants an absent parent and yet that is what many have when they have a screen in their tiny hands.

A sad fact is that many children are so lacking certain motor skills that when they go to school teachers are having to deal with children who cannot co-ordinate and stack building blocks or hold a pencil and that some 5 and 6 year old children are starting school with the communication skills of 2 and 3 year olds because they have been distracted by screens rather than spoken to by caregivers. This observation has been recorded in children from all backgrounds.

To quote Dr. Mary Aiken, “ A 2015 consumer report shows that most American children get their first mobile phone when they are 6 yearsold. This shocks me. This is before what in psychology we call the age of reason when a child enters a new state of logic and begins to understand te surrounding world…. Learning the difference between right and wrong, good and bad,justice and injustice.With a phone in hand these children are being catapulted into cyberspace before theyare psychologically capable of making sense of it. WE can’t even make sense of it.”

Dr. Mary Aiken also notes that over a quarter of 8 to 12 year olds use Facebook despite the fact that to activate an account you must be aged 13 or older. This whole area of social networks is extremely difficult for most parents to control and it is a fact that many of the thought leaders in this area from Silicone Valley including the late Steve Jobs of Apple restrict the screen usage of their kids, preferring them to play outdoors, wander in Nature and play with imaginative toys. These parents it seems prioritise time with their children rather than exiling them with screens. Maybe they know the dangers of their own creations more than we do for the moment.

I do not intend to disregard the many positive educational aspects of screens and readily acknowledge the riches they have brought to all of our lives but we need to remember that we must be vigilant with the future development of our children who before long will be the adults in society. I believe that we need to care and raise our kids in the best way possible and that means limiting screen time, and not to create as Mary Aiken calls them “cyber-feral” children.

To end this article, if the lone dad I saw in Rodez airport is reading this…. “Good on you! Keep up the good work and it will pay off in the end as you are putting in the time and effort and investing in a good, healthy and sane relationship with your toddler…. Well done you!”

Please read , “The Cyber Effect “ by Dr. Mary Aiken published by John Murray. €19.99.

www.maryaiken.com

Teach Your Child Happiness

For many parents, raising happy children is the holy grail of parenting success. But too often, we think happiness is about those fleeting moments of getting what you want. Lasting happiness is actually much more complicated, but much more rewarding. And yes, you can dramatically increase your child's chances of being happy, just by the way you raise him or her.

What makes a happy child who grows into a happy adult? Since happiness is a by-product of emotional health, emotional intelligence and taught coping skills, these are key factors in our Buddy Bench Aware programmes.

What do you need to be happy?

The latest research on happiness gives us surprising answers. Happiness turns out to be less a result of luck and external circumstance than a product of our own mental, emotional, and physical habits, which create the body chemistry that determines our happiness level.

We all know that some of us tend to be more upbeat than others. Part of this is inborn, just the fate of our genes that give us a happier mood. But much of our mood is habit.

It may seem odd to have happiness referred to as a habit. But it's likely that by the time we're adults, we have settled into the habit of often being happy, or the habit of being largely unhappy.

Happiness is closely linked to three kinds of habits:

1. How we think and feel about the world, and therefore perceive our experiences.

2.Certain actions or habits, such as regular exercise, eating healthfully, meditating, connecting with other people, even -- proven in study after study -- regularly smiling and laughing!

3.Character traits such as self-control, industry, fairness, caring about others, citizenship, wisdom, courage, leadership, and honesty.

In practice, these character traits are just habits; tendencies to act in certain ways when confronted with certain kinds of situations. And certainly it makes sense that the more we exhibit these traits, the better our lives work and the better we feel about ourselves, so the happier we are.

Some of the habits that create happiness are visible, the ways Granny told us we ought to live: work hard, value relationships with other people, keep our bodies healthy, manage our money responsibly, contribute to our community.

Others are more personal habits of self management that insulate us from unhappiness and create joy in our lives, such as managing our moods and cultivating optimism. But once we make such habits part of our lives, they become automatic and serve a protective function.

How can you help your child begin to develop the habits that lead to happiness?

1. Teach your child constructive habits to manage his mind and thoughts to create happiness:
Managing our moods, positive self-talk, cultivating optimism, celebrating life, practicing gratitude, and appreciating our connected-ness to each other and the entire universe. Build these into your life together so you model them regularly, talk about using them, and your child will copy you.

2. Teach your child the self-management habits that create happiness:
Regular exercise, healthy eating, and meditation are all highly correlated with happiness levels. But you and your child may have your own, more personal strategies; for many people music is an immediate mood lifter, for others a walk in nature always works.

3. Cultivate fun.

The old saying that laughter is the best medicine turns out to be true. The more we laugh, the happier we are! It actually changes our body chemistry. So the next time you and your child want to shake off the doldrums, how about a good comedy?

And here’s a wonderful tool: smiling makes us happier, even when we initially force it. The feedback from our facial muscles informs us that we’re happy, and immediately improves our mood. Not to mention the moods of those around us-- so that feedback loop uplifts everyone.

4. Help him learn how to manage his moods.
Most people don’t know that they can choose to let bad moods go and consciously change their moods. But practice in doing this can really make us happier. Of course, we aren't talking about denial. The first step is always to acknowledge the upset feelings, and let ourselves feel them. So with your child, simply empathizing with her upset feelings will help them start to evaporate.

But there are times when we just stay in a bad mood, rather than nurturing ourselves through the upset, or choosing to change it. That's just a habit that our brain has gotten into. If you can practice monitoring your own moods and shifting them, through acknowledging the feelings, allowing yourself to feel the emotions, correcting any negative thoughts that are giving rise to the emotions, and nurturing yourself, you'll be re-wiring your brain. And as you practice this and get better at it, you can teach these skills to your child.

Of course, the hard part is choosing to change a bad mood. While you're in it, it's hard to take constructive action to change things. You don't have to go from desolate to cheerful. Just find a way to help yourself feel slightly better. That empowers you to actually face what's upsetting you, and try to solve it. Sometimes just changing our the way we're thinking about a situation really shifts things.
How to help your child with her moods? Sometime when she's in a good mood, talk with her about strategies for getting into a better mood: what works for her? Share what works for you. Then, when she’s in a bad mood, start by empathizing. After she's had some time to feel her upset, ask her if she wants help to change her mood. Even if she’s able to choose a better mood only one out of ten times initially, she’ll soon start to notice how much better her life works when she does it.

5. Model positive self- talk.

We all need a helper sometime to get us us over life’s many hurdles. Who says we can’t be our own? In fact, who better? Research shows that happy people give themselves ongoing reassurance, acknowledgment, praise and pep talks.

6. Cultivate optimism...

...it inoculates against unhappiness. It’s true that some of us are born more optimistic than others, but we can all cultivate it.

7. Help your child find joy in everyday things.

Studies show that people who notice the small miracles of daily life, and allow themselves to be touched by them, are happier. Daily life overflows with joyful occurrences: The show of the setting sun, no less astonishing for its daily repetition. The warmth of connection with the man at the newsstand who recognizes you and your child. The joy of finding a new book by a favourite author at the library. A letter from family member or friend. The first crocuses of spring.

As Albert Einstein said,

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Children learn by our example what's important in life.

8. Support your child to prioritize relationships.

Research shows that people who are happiest have more people in their lives, and deeper relationships with those people. Teach your child that while relationships take work, they're worth it.

9. Help your child develop gratitude.

"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have." -- Frederick Keonig

Many people think they can't be grateful until they're happy, meaning until they have something to be grateful for. But look closely and you'll find that it's the opposite: people are happy because they are grateful. People who describe themselves as consciously cultivating gratefulness are rated as happier by those who know them, as well as by themselves.

Children don’t have a context for life, so they don’t know whether they are lucky or unlucky, only that their friend Brendon has more expensive runners or Sofia has a pony. But there are many ways to help children learn to cultivate gratitude, which is the opposite of taking everything for granted.

(Hint: Think modelling, not lecturing).

10. Counteract the message that happiness can be bought.

Buddy Bench Aware

As parents, we need to remember that we are not the only ones teaching our children about life. They get the constant media message that the goal of life is more money and more things. Ultimately, what we model and what we tell them will matter more, but we need to confront those destructive messages directly.

11. Leave room for grief.

Life is full of joy, but even for the happiest person it is also full of loss and pain, and we have daily reasons to grieve, large and small. Acknowledging our sad feelings isn't focusing on the negative, it's opening ourselves to the full range of being human. Accepting those uncomfortable sad feelings actually deepens our ability to take joy in our lives. Choosing to be happy doesn't mean repressing our feelings. It means acknowledging and honoring our feelings, and then letting them go.

12. Help your child learn the joy of contribution.

Research shows that the pride of contributing to the betterment of society makes us happier, and it will make our children happier too. Our job as parents is to find ways for them to make a positive difference in the world so they can enjoy and learn from this experience.

Enjoy your children and of course be happy!

The Buddy Bench Team

A Guide to Helping your Child Cope with Death and Loss

In times of tragedy, sudden loss or foreseen death, families often enter the grieving processes without being aware of a child's grief. This can and often does effect children at a later stage, manifesting into anxiety, fears and phobias, not having the coping skills to mourn and grieve in a positive way is painful and harmful. Many parents ask about this subject and how they can help, we found this article good.


How much kids can understand about death depends largely on their age, life experiences, and personality. But there are a few important points to remember in all cases.


Explaining Death in a Child's Terms
Be honest with kids and encourage questions. This can be hard because you may not have all of the answers. But it's important to create an atmosphere of comfort and openness, and send the message that there's no one right or wrong way to feel. You might also share any spiritual beliefs you have about death.

A child's capacity to understand death — and your approach to discussing it — will vary according to the child's age. Each child is unique, but here are some rough guidelines to keep in mind.

Children kids are about 5 or 6 years old, their view of the world is very literal. So explain the death in basic and concrete terms. If the loved one was ill or elderly, for example, you might explain

Kids this young often have a hard time understanding that all people and living things eventually die, and that it's final and they won't come back. So even after you've explained this, kids may continue to ask where the loved one is or when the person is returning. As frustrating as this can be, continue to calmly reiterate that the person has died and can't come back.

Avoid using euphemisms, such as telling kids that the loved one "went away" or "went to sleep" or even that your family "lost" the person. Because young kids think so literally, such phrases might inadvertently make them afraid to go to sleep or fearful whenever someone goes away.
Also remember that kids' questions may sound much deeper than they actually are. For example, a 5-year-old who asks where someone who died is now probably isn't asking whether there's an afterlife. Rather, kids might be satisfied hearing that someone who died is now in the cemetery. This may also be a time to share your beliefs about an afterlife or heaven if that is part of your belief system.

that the person's body wasn't working anymore and the doctors couldn't fix it. If someone dies suddenly, like in an accident, you might explain what happened — that because of this very sad event, the person's body stopped working. You may have to explain that "dying" or "dead" means that the body stopped working.

Children from the ages of about 6 to 10 start to grasp the finality of death, even if they don't understand that it will happen to every living thing one day. A 9-year-old might think, for example, that by behaving or making a wish, grandma won't die. Often, kids this age personify death and think of it as the "boogeyman" or a ghost or a skeleton. They deal best with death when given accurate, simple, clear, and honest explanations about what happened.

As children mature into teens, they start to understand that every human being eventually dies, regardless of grades, behaviour, wishes, or anything they try to do.

As your teen's understanding about death evolves, questions may naturally come up about mortality and vulnerability. For example, if your 16-year-old's friend dies in a car accident, your teen might be reluctant to get behind the wheel or even ride in a car for awhile. The best way to respond is to empathize about how frightening and sad this accident was. It's also a good time to remind your teen about ways to stay safe and healthy, like never getting in a car with a driver who has been drinking and always wearing a seatbelt.

Teens also tend to search more for meaning in the death of someone close to them. A teen who asks why someone had to die probably isn't looking for literal answers, but starting to explore the idea of the meaning of life. Teens also tend to experience some guilt, particularly if one of their peers died. Whatever your teen is experiencing, the best thing you can do is to encourage the expression and sharing of grief.

Mourning the Loss

Is it right to take kids to funerals? It's up to you and your child. It's appropriate to let kids take part in any mourning ritual — if they want to. First explain what happens at a funeral or memorial and give kids the choice of whether to go.

What do you tell a young child about the funeral? You may want to explain that the body of the person who died is going to be in a casket, and that the person won't be able to talk or see or hear anything. Explain that others may speak about the person who died and that some mourners may be crying.

Share any spiritual beliefs you have about death and explain the meaning of the mourning rituals that you and your family will observe.

If you think your own grief might prevent you from helping your child at this difficult time, ask a friend or family member to care for and focus on your child during the service. Choose someone you both like and trust who won't mind leaving the funeral if your child wants to go.

Many parents worry about letting their kids witness their own grief, pain, and tears about a death. Don't — allowing your child to see your pain shows that crying is a natural reaction to emotional pain and loss. And it can make kids more comfortable sharing their feelings. But it's also important to convey that no matter how sad you may feel, you'll still be able to care for your family and make your child feel safe.

Getting More Help

As kids learn how to deal with death, they need space, understanding, and patience to grieve in their own way.

They might not show grief as an adult would. A young child might not cry or might react to the news by acting out or becoming hyperactive. A teen might act annoyed and might feel more comfortable confiding in peers. Whatever their reaction, don't take it personally. Remember that learning how to deal with grief is like coping with other physical, mental, and emotional tasks — it's a process.
Nevertheless, watch for any signs that kids need help coping with a loss. If a child's behaviour changes radically — for example, a gregarious and easygoing child becomes angry, withdrawn, or extremely anxious; or goes from having straight A's to D's in school — seek help.

A doctor, school guidance counsellor, or mental health organization can provide assistance and recommendations. Also look for books, websites, support groups, and other resources that help people manage grief.

Courtesy of http://kidshealth.org/en/parents/death.html#

Parents can't always shield kids from sadness and losses. But helping them learn to cope with them builds emotional resources they can rely on throughout life.

Understanding Friendship For Children

Parents can provide love and support that make it possible for your child to meet new people and make friends.....

When we come to the topic of friends, one thing is clear: everyone needs friends. I remember my childhood full of constant change of rental houses, resulting in me making new friends again and again. I was a very reserved child. Making friends was difficult for me. Even when I finally made some friends, it was time to move, again. This was one thing that I hated the most. For me friends and friendship was special and I believe it is special for every child.

The word 'friends' is so commonly used that people usually take it as something normal and not see its significance for a child. So what exactly is a friend? If you go by Aristotle's definition, "It's a single soul dwelling in two bodies". So much so that best friends acquire each other's behaviors and mannerisms, language and preferences. I remember while in school our whole group had the same type of handwriting. We even enjoyed same kinds of songs and similar sports.

Friends promote mental health and overall wellbeing for children of all ages. Friends and friendship is important for their social and emotional development. Just by having friends, children learn to relate with others, as they teach each other skills of being a good friend, and acquire social skills at the same time. Most children want to have friends. Children with friends are likely to be more confident and academically sound. Children constantly learning positive friendship skills are found to be happy and confident. These children are constantly making and retaining friends. Having said so, we rarely observe the development of friendship.

Friendship in children starts really early following their development growth and their perception of friendship varies with age. Up to one year just looking, smiling, touching and imitating do the job very well. As the child grows, the criterion for a friend gradually changes. Children between three to six years of age consider those who do something that pleases them as friends. For them friends are momentary playmates and friendship is about just having fun. They assume that other children think the same way. Hence they become upset when their friend has a different opinion, resulting in temporary conflict.

Children between five and nine years consider someone a friend if s/he gives them nice presents, shares things regardless of whether it's toys, time, games, experiences and feelings. Now children gradually learn that they can have their social needs met and they can meet others' needs too. This is also the time they start considering others' feelings and are interested in knowing how other people think about issues and objects. Indicating that they are gradually growing, they start caring a lot about friendship. Sometimes children from this age group tolerate someone they don't like just because they want to make new friends. Sometimes they might even use friendship as a bargaining chip. The next level of friendship includes fairness and cooperation and playing by the rules. This includes age group seven to twelve years.

For this age group close friendship is not just mutual exchange, but based on well-matched needs and skills, which change as they grow. They are able to consider a friend's perspective in addition to their own, but not at the same time. That means they understand turn taking, but they can't really step back and get an observer's perspective that would allow them to see patterns of interaction in their relationships. They are concerned about fairness and reciprocity. If they do something nice for a friend they expect that friend to do something nice for them at the next opportunity. If this doesn't happen, the friendship is likely to fall apart. Children in this stage are somewhat judgmental of both themselves and others.

Next level of friendship includes intimate, mutually shared relationships; this is also caring and sharing stage. Children aged eight to fifteen years are very much into solving each other's problems among friends; they also share and confide thoughts and feelings with each other that they don't usually share with others. They are familiar with compromising and genuinely care about each other's happiness.

They place high value on emotional closeness with friends and even accept and appreciate differences between themselves and their friends. Not being possessive, they're less likely to feel threatened if their friends have other relationships. Showing signs of mature friendship that emphasizes trust and support while remaining close over time. I know at this point you are thinking, 'Can parents contribute to this process?'

Yes, it's the parents who contribute actively in preparing the child to interact successfully with his/her peers because a child is born without social skills. Parents help build key social skills that help with friendship. These include cooperation, communication, empathy, emotional control and responsibility. In the process, parents and caretakers can provide children with opportunities to play with peers to gain experience and learn important social skills.

Parents are the coaches who teach positive social skills to their children, and help children use new skills in real-life situations. The most important thing for a parent is to help children solve friendship conflicts. Talking about problems with a supportive adult helps children think rationally about what happens, how they feel about it and what to do next. Thinking things through helps to build more mature social skills.

Finally, if as a parent you are concerned about your child not making enough friends, consider this: it is entirely possible that your child has a different social style to yours. You can play a crucial role in your child's social development. You can be a good role model but you cannot make friends for him/her. You can however provide your love, patience, and support that make it possible for your child to meet new people and make friends on their own. Now that is not too much of an expectation from a parent. Or is it?

 

 

Want Your Child to Feel Good About Themselves? - Follow Five Golden Rules

courtesy of http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/dr-kathryn-weston/want-your-child-to-feel-good-about-themselves_b_9689354.html

As a parent we do our best for our children every single day, we too are human and we can make mistakes and if like me I worry could I be a better parent, am I am spending enough quality time etc.....the mind chatters on. 

I found this article to share with you, just as guidelines, The years go by quickly so enjoy !

Most parents intuitively know that children need to feel good about themselves to be happy and to progress in life - the same applies to adults - but practically speaking, how does this work? What do we need to be doing or saying to our children to ensure that they grow up to be happy adults, with a strong 'sense of self' and the ability to take on the world?

(1) Get on with your partner

No-one is pretending that it is easy to sustain a long-term relationship with someone whilst raising children but don't be in any doubt: how you 'get on' with each other has a massive impact on how your child feels about themselves. Recent research by theEarly Intervention Foundation shows that unresolved inter-parental conflict can seriously affect children's long-term mental health and well-being. Witnessing ongoing and unresolved conflict can cause children to be aggressive, hostile and even violent. It contributes to the development of low self-esteem, anxiety and depression. It can also badly affect their performance in school and the development of emotional and social skills.

So what can you do?

If things are ticking along nicely for you as a couple, keep to these few pointers and you hardly go wrong; make your partner feel valued, as an individual and as 'the parent'; show your children what love 'looks like' between you; try to present a united front when dishing out the discipline, and most importantly, keep bigger disagreements until the kids are out of earshot.

If you are separated or in a difficult relationship with your partner, the latter rules still apply, but your child will need help navigating through the experience of living between two parents, homes, bedrooms and sets of family dynamics. Splitting up doesn't have to be a negative experience for children, but only if parents make their child's well-being the top priority.

Whatever your family set-up, don't be afraid to give your relationship an MOT orspring clean. Counsellors and couple therapists are there to help keep happy couples on track, as much as to sort out crises.

(2) Help your child shape their self-story

During pregnancy and throughout childhood, parents instinctively gather pictures of their children as they grow and develop. Pictures of our children are among the most precious of family artefacts and often listed among the 'first thing people would rescue from a house fire!' Besides being a record of family events, these images serve another critical function: they help shape children's emerging sense of self and belonging in the world. They tell the story of how our child was welcomed and wanted, and reveal the physical places and people that played a role in their early childhood. They document our children's physical progression and highlight their early achievements and milestones.

As parents we tend to focus on the future, but there are gifts in retrospection. Photographic material, film and family stories help create both self-identity, and family identity. They provide a foundational resource from which a child's positive self-esteem emerges.

In families where there may have been relationship breakdown, illness or death, a recalling and documenting of the past, with positive guidance from a loving parent or carer can help children move forward securely. Remember when you are cuddled up flicking through phone snaps or recounting family stories over the dinner table, emphasis joy and resilience. As a family, look forward to the next chapters of family life, as yet unwritten. Relish retrospection whilst conveying a sense of excitement about the future.

(3) Nip 'weeds' in the bud

It is normal for families to go through peaks and troughs throughout the year, but when issues arise for your child that are persistent and that affect the quality of their day-to-day life, parents need to tackle the problem head-on. Issues such as anxiety,problems with sleep and consistently poor behaviour at school, for example, are common 'weeds' that need to be nipped in the bud. Otherwise, what may start out as a small problem, can end up escalating badly, affecting siblings and other family members. Remember: whatever the issue, face-to-face help is out there or the end of a phone.

(4) Don't underestimate the power of modelling

'Modelling' is a concept frequently referred to by educators, but it lies at the core of great parenting too. It refers to how we model attitudes, behaviour and approaches to the children who live or work closely with us. Young children learn through observation and quickly absorb how their caretakers approach difficulties, relationships, good news or personal challenges. They learn how to respond, behave and even 'what to say' in each scenario, from us. As parents, our role is pivotal in shaping how they respond to the world around them so it makes sense to reflect on how we approach everyday challenges as individuals. Consider how you cope and react to being stuck in a traffic jam for example, right through to how you manage the loss of a loved one. However parents respond - rest assured your off-spring are watching and learning. 

(5) Tell them that you will always love them, no matter what

No matter their age, whether they are six or sixteen years old, children need to know that you won't stop loving them, no matter what happens in life, and no matter the path they take. Of course we work hard to help them steer a good course throughout childhood and the teen years, and understand that it isn't always easy for them. However, their knowledge of our unconditional love gives children a good dose of self-worth and the inner strength to face any life obstacle. A child's self-esteem is carefully constructed over time (imagine a wall made from Lego) brick by brick, its strength against life's knocks reinforced by strong parental attachments steeped in love, affection and reassurance.

Finally, please remember that years and years of research by psychologists and educators shows that the earlier you follow these tips, the better.