It is Children Bereavement Week #childrengrievetoo
Dear David Coleman: How normal is my daughter's grieving for her puppy?
Q. My daughter is 11 years old. She had a puppy who died recently and it has been really upsetting for her. She is constantly visiting where we buried the puppy, or taking the puppy's teddy and hugging it. She spends a lot of her time remembering happy times she had with the pup.
She talks in her sleep about the pup and wakes two to three times a night with dreams. She has also become very clingy to me lately and is hugging me a lot.
Should I be worried or is this a normal kind of grieving?
David replies: It is easy to underestimate the power of the relationships that any of us can form with our pets. Children, especially, can connect with pets in such an unfiltered way, where their pet returns their love and affection without judgement, that the relationship can be very deep and very meaningful.
It sounds like this may have happened for your daughter and her puppy. She may have been especially attuned to her puppy, forming a deep connection with it.
The fact that the puppy died when it was still young, also suggests that the death was sudden or unexpected. Your daughter sounds like she is experiencing the shock and deep hurt of the loss.
Children (and adults) can grieve their pets' deaths with the same intensity and same power as they may grieve someone close to them who dies. Indeed, many children will experience the death of a pet before the death of a loved person, and this experience of grieving might be a learning experience for them about death, loss and their own coping ability.
The various things that your daughter is doing, like visiting the grave of her puppy, holding on to a favoured item of her puppy (the teddy bear), and relying on you for greater security, do all sound quite normal, especially as the death is relatively recent.If she loved her dog, then she is bound to really miss him. That means she is likely to experience all of the same feelings as humans do in any bereavement. So she may feel shock, anger, deep sadness, guilt, hopelessness and so on.
There is no linear process that we follow in grief. It isn't that we feel a series of feelings in a regimented sequence, rather we can experience any or all of the feelings to a greater or lesser extent and there is no predictable pattern to when we'll feel those feelings. So, too, with your daughter.
Right now, she just sounds very sad and like she is missing the puppy a lot. Perhaps she is also trying to work out how she will fill the gap that its loss has left in her life.
I think that being able to be at the grave, and having the teddy as a transitional object (like a reminder of the puppy's presence), are just part of her particular grieving process. The disturbed sleep is also, I think, just an indicator of how emotionally distressed she is.So, it is good that you are there for her to lean on. It is good that she is turning to you for support, even if that appears clingy. You can't take the pain of the loss away, but you can help to recognise what those feelings are.
At age 11, she might struggle to describe the complexity of her feelings about her puppy and it's death. So, one way to support her, is to try to help her to put words on those feelings, by empathising with how you think she might feel.
This will give her the emotional language to continue to process her feelings and it will also give her a strong sense that you might understand her and how she is feeling. This is a very powerfully supportive thing to be able to offer a child. Even though you can't make the problem go away, it will be clear to her that you are right beside her and attuned to her.
Time and your emotional support are the two things that will help her to adjust to the death of her puppy. You can't rush the time, it will have to go at it's own pace. It is only if she still seems stuck and hasn't moved on from clinging to you and the teddy, as the months pass that would indicate her grieving is especially complicated or problematic. For now, just let her cling and acknowledge just how sad she feels. Nature will help her to find a way through this process in due course.
If you have any parenting queries for David Coleman, please email dcoleman@independent.ie. Please note that David cannot enter into individual correspondence
The domestic violence statistics are shocking and sadly it’s still a massive issue in our society. We still live in a patriarchal society where women are the main victims of abuse and sexual exploitation.
How many children witness the abuse of their mothers?
Studies show In Ireland , 1: 4 women will experience domestic violence at some time in their lives.. 1:2 women who are killed annually are murdered by their partner. The vast majority of those women have children between the ages of 3-17 and they too are at risk of exposure to domestic violence each year. There were approximately 3000 Irish children in some kind of safe accommodation during 2014. 1:8 women presenting at the National Maternity Hospital have bruises on their bodies many to the belly area. Non - national women are also at high risk of domestic abuse but less likely to report it. Statistics say that 95% of domestic violence cases involve women victims of male partners. We know that the figures are probably higher because of reluctance to report incidents. The children of these women often witness the domestic violence.
On one day in 2014 there were 475 women seeking help and most had children. In 2014 nearly 500 requests for refuge could not be met because of lack of facilities……and there were nearly 50,000 help-line calls……. These are real and shocking figures.
Witnessing can mean SEEING actual incidents of physical/and or sexual abuse. It can mean HEARING threats or fighting noises from another room. Children may also OBSERVE the aftermath of physical abuse such as blood, bruises, tears, torn clothing, and broken items. Finally children may be AWARE of the tension in the home such as their mother’s fearfulness when the abuser’s car pulls into the driveway.
What are the feelings of children who are exposed to battering?
Children who are exposed to battering become fearful and anxious. They are always on guard, watching and waiting for the next event to occur. They never know what will trigger the abuse, and therefore, they never feel safe. They are always worried for themselves, their mother, and their siblings. They may feel worthless and powerless.
Children who grow up with abuse are expected to keep the family secret, sometimes not even talking to each other about the abuse. Children from abusive homes can look fine to the outside world, but inside they are in terrible pain. Their families are chaotic and crazy. They may blame themselves for the abuse thinking if they had not done or said a particular thing, the abuse would not have occurred. They may also become angry at their siblings or their mother for triggering the abuse. They may feel rage, embarrassment, and humiliation.
Children of abuse feel isolated and vulnerable. They are starved for attention, affection and approval. Because mom is struggling to survive, she is often not present for her children. Because Dad is so consumed with controlling everyone, he also is not present for his children. These children become physically, emotionally and psychologically abandoned.
What behaviours do children who witness domestic violence exhibit?
The emotional responses of children who witness domestic abuse may include fear, guilt, shame, sleep disturbances, sadness, depression, and anger (at both the abuser for the violence and at the mother for being unable to prevent the violence).
Physical responses may include stomach-aches and/or headaches, bedwetting, and loss of ability to concentrate. Some children may also experience physical or sexual abuse or neglect. Others may be injured while trying to intervene on behalf of their mother or a sibling.
The behavioural responses of children who witness domestic violence may include acting out, withdrawal, or anxiousness to please. The children may exhibit signs of anxiety and have a short attention span which may result in poor school performance and attendance. They may experience developmental delays in speech, motor or cognitive skills. They may also use violence to express themselves displaying increased aggression with peers or mother. They can become self-injuring.
What are the long-term effects on children who witness domestic violence?
Whether or not children are physically abused, they often suffer emotional and psychological trauma from living in homes where their fathers abuse their mothers. Children whose mothers are abused are denied the kind of home life that fosters healthy development. Children who grow up observing their mothers being abused, especially by their fathers, grow up with a role model of intimate relationships in which one person uses intimidation and violence over the other person to get their way. Because children have a natural tendency to identify with strength, they may ally themselves with the abuser and lose respect for their seemingly helpless mother. Abusers typically play into this by putting the mother down in front of her children and telling them that their mother is “crazy” or “stupid” and that they do not have to listen to her. Seeing their mothers treated with enormous disrespect, teaches children that they can disrespect women the way their fathers do.
Most experts believe that children who are raised in abusive homes learn that violence is an effective way to resolve conflicts and problems. They may replicate the violence they witnessed as children in their teen and adult relationships and parenting experiences. Boys who witness their mothers’ abuse are more likely to batter their female partners as adults than boys raised in nonviolent homes. For girls, adolescence may result in the belief that threats and violence are the norm in relationships.
Children from violent homes have higher risks of alcohol/drug abuse, post- traumatic stress disorder, and juvenile delinquency. Witnessing domestic violence is the single best predictor of juvenile delinquency and adult criminality. It is also the number one reason children run away.
Conferences such as this one today in Kilkenny are important but sadly 90% of the delegates were as usual, women. The White Ribbon campaign is a men’s initiative for men to combat domestic violence (See www.whiteribbon.ie). There are now 16 days of campaigning on this issue. If you know anyone who you know is experiencing domestic abuse or you suspect is suffering from this, please encourage them to break the cycle and get help for themselves and their children. One’s home needs to be a sanctuary of peace and calm not a battleground if normal healthy relationships are to thrive and parents are to be positive role models for their children.
If you or anyone you know are/have experienced domestic abuse in it's many forms, do contact Women's Aid Tel: 1800 341 900 and seek help.
Written by our in-house psychotherapist Judith Ashton BA ITEC MFPhys IMTA,
I recently visited an African friend of mine who has three small boys under four years old. She is a wonderful mother and I have never seen her stressed or raising her voice to her children. She appears very relaxed and unflappable. She is firm and fair with her children and they are very well behaved. At 29 years old she seems to have embraced motherhood in a very happy and fulfilled way. I have often marvelled at her poise and wondered how she manages to manage her life with three little ones. They are all energetic , they play well but are rarely over the top. Many young Irish mums with three under four would be freaking out, out of control , complaining of soaring stress levels and there would be noise and mayhem.
What is my African friend’s secret? Given , she has a wonderful partner and they are both consistent in their approach to their children but he works shifts and she is alone and housebound much of the time . How is she coping so very well?
The children have tasks that she expects them to do every day. These tasks include tidying up their toys, cleaning their teeth, laying the table, putting their used plates in the sink ( even tho they can hardly reach it!)putting on their pyjamas, going to bed when told , helping her and each other and sweeping the floor. She has gently and effectively trained her sons to do these chores . They know they have to do them and accept that it is expected of them and they will not get a treat if they don’t. A treat in this case may be: a biscuit, an apple or to watch TV. As a consequence these boys are very well behaved and polite.
When I was a child we all had chores. Many young families these days, don’t seem to . According to Richard Rende, developmental psychologist and co-author of “Raising can-do kids.”, chores benefit kids emotional, academic and even professional development. He says, “ Parents today want kids spending time on things that can bring success, but ironically, we’ve stopped one thing that’s actually been a proven predictor of success and that is household chores.”
Research shows that giving children household chores at an early age builds such qualities as self-reliance and responsibility. Professor Rossman from University of Minnesota followed a group of 84 children from pre-school to their mid 20s and she found that the ones who had done chores from the ages of 3 and 4 achieved higher academic scores, had better relationships with friends and family, earlier career success and were generally more self-reliant than the kids who had no chores or who started chores in their teens.
Another study from Richard Weissbourd of Harvard Graduate School of Education found that chores teach children about empathy and being responsive to other’s needs. He surveyed 10,000 high school children and asked them to rank achievement or happiness over caring for others. The interesting result was that 80% chose happiness and achievement over caring for others…..He says that this shows, “We’re out of balance because research suggests that most personal happiness comes not from high achievement but from strong relationships and caring for others! A good way to start readjusting priorities, is by learning to be kind and helpful at home.”
The message seems to be; do not to fixate on grades and academic achievement over and above chores . Grades are not more important than caring for others. Chores teach a child about emotional intelligence and caring , the very human qualities which in turn lead to happiness.
Ways to engage and motivate your child to do chores
In a study of 150 3 to 6 year olds published in the journal of Child Development researchers found that thanking young children for ,”being a helper” rather than, “helping” increased their desire to pitch in. This seemed to create a positive identity, eg being known as a person who helps.
It is important to schedule chores : so make a timetable and stick it on the fridge. This creates a routine along with other commitments.
Start from an early age and slowly add more responsibility.
Chores are things that do not always need rewards… they simply have to be done! Who rewards mum for doing the ironing or dad for cutting the grass ?!
Psychologists differentiate between self -care tasks e.g.; tidying your bedroom and family- care tasks e.g. Sweeping the kitchen floor or washing up. Family care tasks foster empathy for others and build sense of social responsibility. Let your child choose his/her task and then they are more likely to follow through.
Language re: chores is important when co-operation counts. There is a difference between commanding a child, ”Do your chores!” as opposed to, “Let’s do our chores.” Chores are more of a way of caring for others as opposed to a punishment.
The more we complain about housework…. So will children, so try to keep as positive as possible about what needs to be done and hopefully home life will be harmonious and everyone will be caring and happy!
I look forward to following my friend’s 3 boys over the years ahead.
Good luck and today is a good day to start with giving your child some chores around the home!
The responsibilities of a parent are possibly the biggest anyone might face in their lives. Not only are you responsible for keeping another human being alive and safe for the first stage of their life, but also for teaching them how to be healthy, happy and decent.
What most parents do not know is that until the age of about seven, they are their child’s only role-model. Your children are watching you 24/7 to figure out how to survive in this crazy world, and what behaviors and emotional responses they need to exhibit to meet their needs, such as attention, love, significance, comfort and affection.
In the case of parenting, actions speak louder than words. If you are telling your children to play fair at school and be nice, but at home you are constantly snapping at your partner, it is what you do rather than what you say that will have the bigger impact. They will either adopt the same behavior or rebel against it, neither of which are predictable.
This does not mean you have to be model parents all the time. That would be unrealistic. You are only human after all. However, being aware of your behavior in front of your children, and explaining your behavior to them in an emotionally intelligent way, are crucial. Making sure they recognize it is about you, not them, is key to bringing up emotionally healthy kids. What other habits do you need to adopt to raise happy and successful children?
1) Demonstrate independence If you want to raise independent children, you need to teach them how to be independent. This includes leading by example. Needy parents often hold their children responsible for their emotions, creating environments of psychological control: “Behave this way or mummy / daddy will be very stressed / hurt / upset.”
Children do not get the chance to explore what they like or dislike, or who they are in this kind of environment, always trying to be someone that mum or dad wants them to be. They will continue this way into their teens, and will be more susceptible to peer pressure in later life, being someone they are not just to fit in.
2) Let go of your need to controlWe all want a level of certainty in our lives, but real happiness comes from being able to live in a world of uncertainty - knowing that no matter what happens ‘out there,’ we will be OK – because in reality, we have very little control over anything.
Children brought up by over-controlling parents have been shown to have higher rates of stress and depression in later life. Believing they are incompetent, and that nothing they ever do is good enough, leads to low self-confidence and poor self-image.
3) Communicate calmly and intelligently Successful people generally have high emotional intelligence and excellent communication skills. To give your kids a head start in developing these, you need to learn how to communicate calmly and intelligently yourself. Shouting not only creates a harsh environment for your children, but also teaches them that in order to make themselves understood, they have to shout. This will not help them in their relationships later in life.
Intelligent communication is communicating how you feel without blaming the other person. “When I see or hear ‘this,’ I interpret it as ‘x’ and that makes me feel ‘y’,” is a good format to start with.
4) Be present Kids are more likely to be secure and self-assured when raised by parents who are present. Parents who spend more time on their phone, working, answering emails etc. are giving the impression their kids come second. While this might not be the case, children internalize and personalize everything. All your behavior will always be about them. Help your kids feel important by being present in their presence.
5) Be your own cheerleader If you want your kids to have healthy self-esteem, you need to show them how to be their own internal cheerleader, to recognize their own value without relying on external sources. Start by praising their accomplishments, then migrate toward showing them how to recognize their own achievements, so when they are an adult they will not still be seeking your approval or that of others.
This must be done by leading by example. How good are you at recognizing your own self-worth and accomplishments? If the answer is “not very,” look at ways you can start to develop this so you can show your children how to do it for themselves.
6) Be open and warm Successful, happy adults are generally great at forming friendships and relationships, most likely because they are open and approachable. Creating a warm, open environment for your children is crucial to their emotional wellbeing and success in later life.
Demonstrate affection and openness with your kids and partner, giving them the freedom to communicate how they feel and be who they are. This will positively impact your family, and bode well for your children’s future happiness.
7) Enjoy your children
Being a parent is a lot of work, a full time job alongside a full time job. Our work is never ending and at times this is daunting for most of us. I sometimes have no rules days, where I give myself the freedom to escape routine, throw caution to the wind, dump housework go for long walk on the beach and get a bag of chips afterwards. My daughter and I enjoy these seldom special days where we can just be, and enjoy the freedom.
Written by our in-house psychotherapist Judith Ashton BA ITEC MFPhys IMTA, referring to and accrediting Dr Mary Aikenhttp://www.maryaiken.com/
Last month I was sitting in Rodez airport departure lounge reading a magazine when I looked up and became aware of the relative silence around the place and the absorption of nearly all of my fellow travellers, young and old in their screens. I was struck by the lack of communication between the adults and children when I noticed one young father, only one, with a toddler on his lap reading a picture book. I felt as if I was witnessing a lost image of childhood right there before my eyes and was deeply saddened….. I was looking it seemed at a species on the edge of distinction and was scared by the Frankenstein images that started to percolate through my mind of the future generations of what are being called “cyberbabes”.
A lot is now being written about the real dangers of screen time on the normal developmental markers of humans. Babies brains grow and develop in response to certain stimuli from the start and the most important of these are touch, sounds and eye contact. If these aspects are lacking a baby will soon lose contact with reality and become withdrawn and resigned. Many young parents are more fixated on their mobiles than on their offspring and look much more at the screen than on baby. This is a recent development and is sure to have long term behavioural consequences. I heard someone say recently that mobile phones should carry the warning, “ WARNING : NOT LOOKING AT YOUR BABY COULD CAUSE SIGNIFICANT DEVELOPMENTAL DELAYS.”
I remember arguing with my children’s father about not giving our lads mobile phone too early as I had heard about the damaging health effects. His argument was, “Well everybody else has them so what’s the problem?” That was exactly the problem. Social peer pressure as opposed to scientific research which few people read till it’s too late. So many of the “latest” things have not had the luxury of time to measure their effects on human beings…. Our headlong rush into and adulation of modern technology has blinded us to the dangers until the damage is done. The list is long but here are a few: cigarettes, alcohol, the pill, HRT, statins, many medications to name but a few. I believe in years to come there will be a big re-think on screens. Wait and see…. There seems to be a current trend amongst young people to “get healthy” with exercise/diet/ yoga etc but an abject non-awareness of the health risks of screen use.
Dr. Mary Aiken is an Irish Cyberpsychologist and expert researcher in this field and she has just published a new book, “The Cyber Effect”. It is sobering to say the least and we need to wake up now to the ill effects on screens on our children if we are to be really responsible parents. There are many teens now being diagnosed with screen addictions and concentration issues caused by screens and also screen deficit disorder when the screen is removed. How can this have happened in one generation? As parents we need to keep our eyes on the ball at ALL times to allow our children to develop as normally as possible in our ever increasingly challenged society. You would not allow your baby or toddler to be exiled and isolated in a wilderness would you ?
Of course not…. But allowing them constant exposure to screens is comparable in my opinion. Children need to be in the real world, doing real things for development. They need company, relationships, voice stimulation, healthy touch and exercise. Kids need to be using creativity and imagination and the toys of yesteryear, dolls/teddy-bears/puzzles/colouring books/lego etc all stimulated creativity and the imagination. We as parents need to make time to engage with these pursuits with our kids…. To walk, feed ducks, go cycling etc. I believe such activities are essential not options for every-ones health and well- being and create a good basis for future relationships. No kid ever wants an absent parent and yet that is what many have when they have a screen in their tiny hands.
A sad fact is that many children are so lacking certain motor skills that when they go to school teachers are having to deal with children who cannot co-ordinate and stack building blocks or hold a pencil and that some 5 and 6 year old children are starting school with the communication skills of 2 and 3 year olds because they have been distracted by screens rather than spoken to by caregivers. This observation has been recorded in children from all backgrounds.
To quote Dr. Mary Aiken, “ A 2015 consumer report shows that most American children get their first mobile phone when they are 6 yearsold. This shocks me. This is before what in psychology we call the age of reason when a child enters a new state of logic and begins to understand te surrounding world…. Learning the difference between right and wrong, good and bad,justice and injustice.With a phone in hand these children are being catapulted into cyberspace before theyare psychologically capable of making sense of it. WE can’t even make sense of it.”
Dr. Mary Aiken also notes that over a quarter of 8 to 12 year olds use Facebook despite the fact that to activate an account you must be aged 13 or older. This whole area of social networks is extremely difficult for most parents to control and it is a fact that many of the thought leaders in this area from Silicone Valley including the late Steve Jobs of Apple restrict the screen usage of their kids, preferring them to play outdoors, wander in Nature and play with imaginative toys. These parents it seems prioritise time with their children rather than exiling them with screens. Maybe they know the dangers of their own creations more than we do for the moment.
I do not intend to disregard the many positive educational aspects of screens and readily acknowledge the riches they have brought to all of our lives but we need to remember that we must be vigilant with the future development of our children who before long will be the adults in society. I believe that we need to care and raise our kids in the best way possible and that means limiting screen time, and not to create as Mary Aiken calls them “cyber-feral” children.
To end this article, if the lone dad I saw in Rodez airport is reading this…. “Good on you! Keep up the good work and it will pay off in the end as you are putting in the time and effort and investing in a good, healthy and sane relationship with your toddler…. Well done you!”
Please read , “The Cyber Effect “ by Dr. Mary Aiken published by John Murray. €19.99.
With school out for the summer, our kids’ (normally full) schedules are now wide open. How will your children spend their free time? If they’re like most kids, a whole lot of it will be in front of a screen.
It’s a common battlefront between parents and children, from toddlers to teens alike. Desperate parents may appease a screaming 2-year-old with a video or game on their phone. And one 13-year-old recently told CNN that when her phone gets taken away, “I literally feel like I’m going to die.”
But parents need to limit screen time, even if it means playing the bad guy — our children’s mental and physical health depends on it.
The physical effects of screen time
Obesity. Sitting in front of a television or computer is a “sedentary behaviour,” the American Medical Association says, which means it doesn’t burn much energy. Considering tweens in the U.S. stare at screens for more than four hours a day and teens up to seven hours, according to Common Sense Media, that’s a lot of sitting. In fact, fewer than four in 10 children meet both the physical activity recommendations and the screen time recommendations from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP).
Tweens in the U.S. spend at least four hours a day in front of a screen, even though the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends only an hour or two of screen time a day.
Sleep loss. Screens and that lack of physical activity affect their sleep, too. A 2014 study showed a connection between “excessive screen time and shorter sleep durations [which] are predictive of behavioral and social problems, poorer academic performance, and health conditions such as obesity.”
Hand pain. Not to mention the damage texting and gaming on our phones can do to our poor hands. A 2015 study in the journal Muscle & Nerve found that college students with high phone usage have more impaired hand function, thumb pain and repetitive-strain injuries than students who used their phone less.
Headaches. A 2016 study published in the Journal of Neurology and Psychology showed that complaints of headaches were higher in people who used their phone a lot than people with low phone usage. And headaches were longer and more frequent in heavy phone users, too.
The mental effects of screen time
The more teens look at social media, the more distressed they become, one study found. (Photo: SpeedKingz/Shutterstock)
Obsessive behavior. CNN recently conducted a study of how teens use social media by analyzing the social media accounts of 200 eighth graders across the U.S. (with their permission). The study authors found that the more kids checked social media, the more distressed they became. And some checked their accounts more than 100 times a day! Child clinical psychologist Marion Underwood, the study's co-author, told the network:
"This is an age group that has a lot of anxiety about how they fit in, what they rank, what their peer-status is. There is fear in putting yourself out there on social media and they hope for lots of likes and comments and affirmations but there is always the chance that someone could say something mean.
“I think they're addicted to the peer connection and affirmation they're able to get via social media. To know what each other are doing, where they stand, to know how many people like what they posted, to know how many people followed them today and unfollowed them ... that I think is highly addictive."
Negative influences. The AAP says increased exposure to television or computers may influence a child's opinion about things like junk food, alcohol, tobacco use or aggressive behavior. For example, the food in commercials aimed at kids is often high in sugar, fat or salt. And for older kids, video game ads and movie trailers may glorify violence.
Attention disorders. Smartphones can cause attention problems in kids of all ages. And in the youngest kids, parents’ own phone use can contribute to their children’s attention issues. A small 2015 study showed that when parents stop focusing on or playing with a baby to turn to their phone screen, the baby may mimic that behavior by playing with toys (or screens) for only a short period of time.
And another 2015 study showed that in people of all ages, including teens, heavy internet and phone users are more likely to lose concentration, forget information, have poor spatial awareness and make mistakes — even at times when they’re not connected to the internet or using their phones. These “cognitive failures,” as the study’s author calls them, may include missing appointments, failing to notice signs on the road, daydreaming during conversations and forgetting why they went from one part of the house to another.
Screen time recommendations by age
The American Academy of Pediatrics says children under 2 shouldn't have any screen time. But that recommendation may soon change. (Photo: Tomsickova Tatyana/Shutterstock)
The AAP recommends no screen time at all for children under 2, and only an hour or two a day for children over two. However, the organization is revising those guidelines and expects to issue new ones by October 2016.
"While we acknowledged that mobile and interactive screens have become ubiquitous in children's lives, we did not advocate for their wholesale adoption. I suspect that when [the new recommendations] do come out, the statements will be highly conservative, reinforcing much of what we have said in the past about the known effects of electronic media use on child health and development," David Hill, chairman of the AAP Council on Communications and Media and a member of the AAP Children, Adolescents and Media Leadership Working Group, told NPR.
Tips for reducing screen time
Put down your own phone. "Demonstrate your own mindfulness in front of your children by putting down your phone during meals or whenever they need your attention," Hill said in his interview with NPR.
Praise their "offline" behaviour. When you see them riding a bike or colouring, tell them how much you like what they're doing and ask them questions about it. "These conversations will help them focus on the joys of the 'real' world, and they will notice that their activity attracts your attention," Hill said.
Set limits, and stick to them. As you decide on limits, ask your kids what they think is fair. Even if you don't use their suggestions, asking them helps them feel heard and gives them input. And if they break the rules, enforce the punishment you set forth when making the house rules. Maybe they have to do more chores. Maybe their phone gets taken away. Whatever it is, stick to your guns.
Trim TV time. Don't keep televisions in children's bedrooms. Don't let kids watch TV during meals or while doing homework. And don't keep the TV on for background noise. If you're going to watch a show, decide on the show ahead of time and turn off the TV when it's over.
If you can't reduce, at least monitor closely. One surprising — and welcome! — finding from that CNN study was this: "Almost all parents — 94 percent — underestimated the amount of fighting happening over social media. Despite that finding, parents that tried to keep a close eye on their child's social media accounts had a profound effect on their child's psychological well-being." One expert even said that parental monitoring "effectively erased" the negative effects of their kids' online conflicts.
For many parents, raising happy children is the holy grail of parenting success. But too often, we think happiness is about those fleeting moments of getting what you want. Lasting happiness is actually much more complicated, but much more rewarding. And yes, you can dramatically increase your child's chances of being happy, just by the way you raise him or her.
What makes a happy child who grows into a happy adult? Since happiness is a by-product of emotional health, emotional intelligence and taught coping skills, these are key factors in our Buddy Bench Aware programmes.
What do you need to be happy?
The latest research on happiness gives us surprising answers. Happiness turns out to be less a result of luck and external circumstance than a product of our own mental, emotional, and physical habits, which create the body chemistry that determines our happiness level.
We all know that some of us tend to be more upbeat than others. Part of this is inborn, just the fate of our genes that give us a happier mood. But much of our mood is habit.
It may seem odd to have happiness referred to as a habit. But it's likely that by the time we're adults, we have settled into the habit of often being happy, or the habit of being largely unhappy.
Happiness is closely linked to three kinds of habits:
1. How we think and feel about the world, and therefore perceive our experiences.
2.Certain actions or habits, such as regular exercise, eating healthfully, meditating, connecting with other people, even -- proven in study after study -- regularly smiling and laughing!
3.Character traits such as self-control, industry, fairness, caring about others, citizenship, wisdom, courage, leadership, and honesty.
In practice, these character traits are just habits; tendencies to act in certain ways when confronted with certain kinds of situations. And certainly it makes sense that the more we exhibit these traits, the better our lives work and the better we feel about ourselves, so the happier we are.
Some of the habits that create happiness are visible, the ways Granny told us we ought to live: work hard, value relationships with other people, keep our bodies healthy, manage our money responsibly, contribute to our community.
Others are more personal habits of self management that insulate us from unhappiness and create joy in our lives, such as managing our moods and cultivating optimism. But once we make such habits part of our lives, they become automatic and serve a protective function.
How can you help your child begin to develop the habits that lead to happiness?
1. Teach your child constructive habits to manage his mind and thoughts to create happiness:
Managing our moods, positive self-talk, cultivating optimism, celebrating life, practicing gratitude, and appreciating our connected-ness to each other and the entire universe. Build these into your life together so you model them regularly, talk about using them, and your child will copy you.
2. Teach your child the self-management habits that create happiness:
Regular exercise, healthy eating, and meditation are all highly correlated with happiness levels. But you and your child may have your own, more personal strategies; for many people music is an immediate mood lifter, for others a walk in nature always works.
3. Cultivate fun.
The old saying that laughter is the best medicine turns out to be true. The more we laugh, the happier we are! It actually changes our body chemistry. So the next time you and your child want to shake off the doldrums, how about a good comedy?
And here’s a wonderful tool: smiling makes us happier, even when we initially force it. The feedback from our facial muscles informs us that we’re happy, and immediately improves our mood. Not to mention the moods of those around us-- so that feedback loop uplifts everyone.
4. Help him learn how to manage his moods.
Most people don’t know that they can choose to let bad moods go and consciously change their moods. But practice in doing this can really make us happier. Of course, we aren't talking about denial. The first step is always to acknowledge the upset feelings, and let ourselves feel them. So with your child, simply empathizing with her upset feelings will help them start to evaporate.
But there are times when we just stay in a bad mood, rather than nurturing ourselves through the upset, or choosing to change it. That's just a habit that our brain has gotten into. If you can practice monitoring your own moods and shifting them, through acknowledging the feelings, allowing yourself to feel the emotions, correcting any negative thoughts that are giving rise to the emotions, and nurturing yourself, you'll be re-wiring your brain. And as you practice this and get better at it, you can teach these skills to your child.
Of course, the hard part is choosing to change a bad mood. While you're in it, it's hard to take constructive action to change things. You don't have to go from desolate to cheerful. Just find a way to help yourself feel slightly better. That empowers you to actually face what's upsetting you, and try to solve it. Sometimes just changing our the way we're thinking about a situation really shifts things.
How to help your child with her moods? Sometime when she's in a good mood, talk with her about strategies for getting into a better mood: what works for her? Share what works for you. Then, when she’s in a bad mood, start by empathizing. After she's had some time to feel her upset, ask her if she wants help to change her mood. Even if she’s able to choose a better mood only one out of ten times initially, she’ll soon start to notice how much better her life works when she does it.
5. Model positive self- talk.
We all need a helper sometime to get us us over life’s many hurdles. Who says we can’t be our own? In fact, who better? Research shows that happy people give themselves ongoing reassurance, acknowledgment, praise and pep talks.
6. Cultivate optimism...
...it inoculates against unhappiness. It’s true that some of us are born more optimistic than others, but we can all cultivate it.
7. Help your child find joy in everyday things.
Studies show that people who notice the small miracles of daily life, and allow themselves to be touched by them, are happier. Daily life overflows with joyful occurrences: The show of the setting sun, no less astonishing for its daily repetition. The warmth of connection with the man at the newsstand who recognizes you and your child. The joy of finding a new book by a favourite author at the library. A letter from family member or friend. The first crocuses of spring.
As Albert Einstein said,
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Children learn by our example what's important in life.
8. Support your child to prioritize relationships.
Research shows that people who are happiest have more people in their lives, and deeper relationships with those people. Teach your child that while relationships take work, they're worth it.
9. Help your child develop gratitude.
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have." -- Frederick Keonig
Many people think they can't be grateful until they're happy, meaning until they have something to be grateful for. But look closely and you'll find that it's the opposite: people are happy because they are grateful. People who describe themselves as consciously cultivating gratefulness are rated as happier by those who know them, as well as by themselves.
Children don’t have a context for life, so they don’t know whether they are lucky or unlucky, only that their friend Brendon has more expensive runners or Sofia has a pony. But there are many ways to help children learn to cultivate gratitude, which is the opposite of taking everything for granted.
(Hint: Think modelling, not lecturing).
10. Counteract the message that happiness can be bought.
Buddy Bench Aware
As parents, we need to remember that we are not the only ones teaching our children about life. They get the constant media message that the goal of life is more money and more things. Ultimately, what we model and what we tell them will matter more, but we need to confront those destructive messages directly.
11. Leave room for grief.
Life is full of joy, but even for the happiest person it is also full of loss and pain, and we have daily reasons to grieve, large and small. Acknowledging our sad feelings isn't focusing on the negative, it's opening ourselves to the full range of being human. Accepting those uncomfortable sad feelings actually deepens our ability to take joy in our lives. Choosing to be happy doesn't mean repressing our feelings. It means acknowledging and honoring our feelings, and then letting them go.
12. Help your child learn the joy of contribution.
Research shows that the pride of contributing to the betterment of society makes us happier, and it will make our children happier too. Our job as parents is to find ways for them to make a positive difference in the world so they can enjoy and learn from this experience.
Bullying has taken a new form on playgrounds across the country. Instead of the child being teased, pushed around or called names, they are shunned and not invited to join games and activities.
The child is being socially excluded.
When we visit classrooms to deliver our Buddy Bench Aware programme we hear the effects this behaviour has on children, although we never use negative language and especially the word "bullying" in classrooms, we acknowledge this is a form of such. Social Exclusion must be taken seriously, we feel children, teachers and parents should be educated and a no-tolerance policy needs to be implemented throughout schools and maybe workplaces in Ireland.
The key message in our programme is:
Look Up
Look Around
and Look Out for Each Other!
Illustration from our workbook
Dr. Edyth Wheeler of Towson University in Baltimore County, Md, agrees and has studied social exclusion of children and young adults.
“Four year olds are master at this,” she says. “When they say ‘I’m not going to be your friend anymore’, they are making the threat of exclusion. Children at that age are at the point where their need for adult approval is declining and they are dependent on peer approval.”
Wheeler says she doesn’t believe that children learn from their parents or other adults how to exclude others from their parents or other adults. Instead, she believes it is a knowledge of the human condition which leads to the ability – and desire – to exclude their peers.
“It’s this innate understanding that makes people want to be accepted and let ‘in’,” she said. “To show we have power, we can not accept them and leave them out. Or to cement ourselves as a group – to be a stronger ‘we’ – we’ll identify a ‘them’.”
According to her work, young girls are specifically good at performing acts of social exclusion. For them, it’s a strong and powerful tool used to negotiate their world and relationships.
There’s good news, according to Wheeler, if you’re the victim of social exclusion.
“It’s not a permanent condition,” she says. “It peaks and then goes away. Part of it is about finding your own identity.”
Teachers and parents may also play a role in preventing social exclusion or healing the hurt after it has taken place.
“The adults really need to listen to their children and to pick up the signals,” said Wheeler. “Children need to trust that somebody can help them. If the message can be that everyone is valued and everyone will be listened to, the situations can become better. In classrooms, teachers can create a sense of community and be very aware of grouping. Really, It all goes back to the responsibility of the adult.”
In times of tragedy, sudden loss or foreseen death, families often enter the grieving processes without being aware of a child's grief. This can and often does effect children at a later stage, manifesting into anxiety, fears and phobias, not having the coping skills to mourn and grieve in a positive way is painful and harmful. Many parents ask about this subject and how they can help, we found this article good.
How much kids can understand about death depends largely on their age, life experiences, and personality. But there are a few important points to remember in all cases.
Explaining Death in a Child's Terms Be honest with kids and encourage questions. This can be hard because you may not have all of the answers. But it's important to create an atmosphere of comfort and openness, and send the message that there's no one right or wrong way to feel. You might also share any spiritual beliefs you have about death.
A child's capacity to understand death — and your approach to discussing it — will vary according to the child's age. Each child is unique, but here are some rough guidelines to keep in mind.
Children kids are about 5 or 6 years old, their view of the world is very literal. So explain the death in basic and concrete terms. If the loved one was ill or elderly, for example, you might explain
Kids this young often have a hard time understanding that all people and living things eventually die, and that it's final and they won't come back. So even after you've explained this, kids may continue to ask where the loved one is or when the person is returning. As frustrating as this can be, continue to calmly reiterate that the person has died and can't come back.
Avoid using euphemisms, such as telling kids that the loved one "went away" or "went to sleep" or even that your family "lost" the person. Because young kids think so literally, such phrases might inadvertently make them afraid to go to sleep or fearful whenever someone goes away. Also remember that kids' questions may sound much deeper than they actually are. For example, a 5-year-old who asks where someone who died is now probably isn't asking whether there's an afterlife. Rather, kids might be satisfied hearing that someone who died is now in the cemetery. This may also be a time to share your beliefs about an afterlife or heaven if that is part of your belief system.
that the person's body wasn't working anymore and the doctors couldn't fix it. If someone dies suddenly, like in an accident, you might explain what happened — that because of this very sad event, the person's body stopped working. You may have to explain that "dying" or "dead" means that the body stopped working.
Children from the ages of about 6 to 10 start to grasp the finality of death, even if they don't understand that it will happen to every living thing one day. A 9-year-old might think, for example, that by behaving or making a wish, grandma won't die. Often, kids this age personify death and think of it as the "boogeyman" or a ghost or a skeleton. They deal best with death when given accurate, simple, clear, and honest explanations about what happened.
As children mature into teens, they start to understand that every human being eventually dies, regardless of grades, behaviour, wishes, or anything they try to do.
As your teen's understanding about death evolves, questions may naturally come up about mortality and vulnerability. For example, if your 16-year-old's friend dies in a car accident, your teen might be reluctant to get behind the wheel or even ride in a car for awhile. The best way to respond is to empathize about how frightening and sad this accident was. It's also a good time to remind your teen about ways to stay safe and healthy, like never getting in a car with a driver who has been drinking and always wearing a seatbelt.
Teens also tend to search more for meaning in the death of someone close to them. A teen who asks why someone had to die probably isn't looking for literal answers, but starting to explore the idea of the meaning of life. Teens also tend to experience some guilt, particularly if one of their peers died. Whatever your teen is experiencing, the best thing you can do is to encourage the expression and sharing of grief.
Mourning the Loss
Is it right to take kids to funerals? It's up to you and your child. It's appropriate to let kids take part in any mourning ritual — if they want to. First explain what happens at a funeral or memorial and give kids the choice of whether to go.
What do you tell a young child about the funeral? You may want to explain that the body of the person who died is going to be in a casket, and that the person won't be able to talk or see or hear anything. Explain that others may speak about the person who died and that some mourners may be crying.
Share any spiritual beliefs you have about death and explain the meaning of the mourning rituals that you and your family will observe.
If you think your own grief might prevent you from helping your child at this difficult time, ask a friend or family member to care for and focus on your child during the service. Choose someone you both like and trust who won't mind leaving the funeral if your child wants to go.
Many parents worry about letting their kids witness their own grief, pain, and tears about a death. Don't — allowing your child to see your pain shows that crying is a natural reaction to emotional pain and loss. And it can make kids more comfortable sharing their feelings. But it's also important to convey that no matter how sad you may feel, you'll still be able to care for your family and make your child feel safe.
Getting More Help
As kids learn how to deal with death, they need space, understanding, and patience to grieve in their own way.
They might not show grief as an adult would. A young child might not cry or might react to the news by acting out or becoming hyperactive. A teen might act annoyed and might feel more comfortable confiding in peers. Whatever their reaction, don't take it personally. Remember that learning how to deal with grief is like coping with other physical, mental, and emotional tasks — it's a process. Nevertheless, watch for any signs that kids need help coping with a loss. If a child's behaviour changes radically — for example, a gregarious and easygoing child becomes angry, withdrawn, or extremely anxious; or goes from having straight A's to D's in school — seek help.
A doctor, school guidance counsellor, or mental health organization can provide assistance and recommendations. Also look for books, websites, support groups, and other resources that help people manage grief.
Parents can't always shield kids from sadness and losses. But helping them learn to cope with them builds emotional resources they can rely on throughout life.
At the launch of Stevey's Epic Adventure and the stars of that day were the children of St Kevin's National School, Kilmanagh Dublin 24, they were great.
Stevey McGeown will begin another epic journey as he sets out from his home in Armagh On June 1st to complete the first day of sixty consecutive ultra marathons (39.3 miles). Running the entire perimeter of Ireland weaving in and around its cities, towns and villages whilst setting a brand new world record. He will be out on the roads running one continuous route, picking up each morning where he left of the previous day.
Starting from Armagh on 1st June, Stevey will head east to Newry, then north to Belfast and across the top of Ireland to Derry and Donegal as he weaves his way along. Then sweeping down the west of Sligo, Mayo, Galway, Limerick and all the way to the bottom of Ireland at Mizen Head. Then across to Cork and journeying all the way back up the midlands and the east coast to Dublin. The final leg of his journey will take a very scenic route all the way back home to Armagh. Finishing on Saturday the 30th of July at the historical site, Navan Fort.
The Goal
The goal is to raise €330,000 for 3 great organisations and inspire others to overcome some of their greatest challenges. Also to bring this exciting endurance event to every major town in Ireland and to set 5 new world records in the process.
If you have watched or read any news lately, it is likely you have heard some of the tragic stories about young people committing suicide.
Children killing themselves as a result of being bullied has been a particular focus in the media recently, sparking numerous debates and new anti-bullying legislation in a number of states.
It is truly disheartening that so many of our youth feel desperate enough to take their own lives, obviously feeling hopeless about ever feeling better. It makes it doubly tragic that so many parents must endure the mental anguish of losing a child—especially losing a child to suicide.
A rather new question that further adds to the tragic nature of many of these cases is: What role do antidepressants play in shaping this trend?
As more and more teens are prescribed antidepressants, antipsychotic drugs and drugs for ADD/ADHD, suicide rates have gone up rather than decreased. I'll explore this particular facet of this troubling trend in a moment.
Shocking Teen Suicide Statistics
As of 2007, suicide ranked as the third leading cause of death among young people (ages 15 to 24), exceeded only by accidents and homicides. Sadly, suicides account for 1.4 percent of all deaths in the U.S. each year, but comprise 12.2 percent of all deaths among 15-24 year-olds.
In other words, the proportion of deaths resulting from suicide amongst teenagers is nine times the proportion for adults!
There are approximately 11.3 youth suicides each and every day in the U.S. Every two hours and seven minutes, a person under the age of 25 completes suicide.
In the past 60 years, the suicide rate has quadrupled for 15-24 year-old males and doubled for females.
Males in this age group are 4-5 times more likely than females to completesuicide. However, females are more likely to attempt suicide. This is largely a result of males tending to choose more lethal methods (firearms) as a means of ending their lives, whereas girls more often choose less lethal methods (pills).
Between 1981 and 2007, suicide rates for children ages 10-14 increased by 50 percent.
In the U.S. in 2007, 119 children ages 10-14 completed suicide. In this age group, suicide is the fourth leading cause of death.
Guns are the most commonly used suicide method among youth, accounting for 45.9 percent of all completed suicides. Guns in the home have proved deadly to children.
It is estimated there are more than 1,000 suicides on college campuses each year. According to the American College Health Association, 9.5 percent of college students have seriously contemplated suicide, and 1.5 percent have made an attempt.
Interpersonal Conflicts Top the List of Reasons Youth Commit Suicide
Interpersonal conflicts are often the core problem of your adolescent's reasons for suicide. One of the most serious conflicts an adolescent can encounter is the issue of gender identity. The social repercussions of this issue can be profoundly distressing to a teen, and unfortunately the bullying and "gay bashing" that sometimes occurs can result in a suicide attempt.
Forth Worth City Councilman Joel Burns captured the heart of the public recently by telling his own story about the bullying he faced as a gay teen at a public council meeting October 13, 2010. His powerful message to the nation's youth is a poignant example of the devastating effects bullying can have on a child.
Regardless of your feelings and beliefs about the gender identity issue, I think we can all agree this particular group deserves more support and compassion from society. As researchers have attempted to get a handle on youth suicide, they have identified several important trends:
Most adolescent suicides occur after school in the teen's home.
If you have a child in high school, it is likely three students in his classroom have made suicide attempts in the past year.
Not all suicidal children admit their intent. Therefore, any deliberate self-harming behaviors should be seriously evaluated.
Most teen suicide attempts are precipitated by interpersonal conflicts. The suicide behavior often represents a child's desperate attempt to change the behavior and attitudes of others.
If your child makes more than one nonfatal attempt, she is using this as a means of coping with ongoing stress. Children who do this need immediate help learning better ways of coping.
What cultural factors could be responsible for the fragile emotional health of our youth?
Teen Suicide is a Blend of Biological, Emotional, Spiritual and Social Factors
I believe today's rates of suicide in our young people stems from several key areas, including:
Vast increases in off-label psychiatric drug use for kids. Psychotropic drugs that have not been approved for children are nevertheless being prescribed for depression, anxiety, insomnia, distractibility, and even shyness or social awkwardness. Antidepressants top this list (which I will discuss in detail later).
Decreased parental involvement. Many kids are growing up in single-parent households, or those where both parents are working, so a large number of children are spending more time alone (or with peers) than with parents. Many are not receiving enough adult guidance and modeling, so they don't have the opportunity to learn the coping skills necessary to effectively deal with stress.
Increased toxins in your environment and food supply. Estimates show most Americans have somewhere between 400 and 800 chemicals stored in their bodies. Exposure to environmental toxins from your air, water and food supply has been linked to depression, attention deficit disorder, schizophrenia, and less ability to cope with stress.
No outlet for negative emotions. Children learn by example. If a child is never taught how to release his sadness or fear or other negative emotions, he may be at increased risk for depression and suicide. Early childhood stress can have a lingering effect on your child's health—mental AND physical.
Loss of connection with the Earth. Children today spend most of their time inside buildings, disconnected from the earth and its healing electrical field. Even when they are outside, they wear rubber-soled shoes that effectively shield them from the healing energy of the Earth. There is exciting new research underway about how reconnecting with the Earth (walking barefoot), also known as "earthing," can result in profound healing of your mind and body.
And then there's the new bully on the block: the cyberbully. No longer are encounters with bullies limited to the back alley on the way home from school.
21st Century Terrorizing: The Age of the Cyberbully
Cyberbullying is a relatively new means of abuse that has received a great deal of media attention lately.Cyberbullying is defined as follows:
"Cyberbullying is when a child or teen is tormented, threatened, harassed, humiliated, embarrassed or otherwise targeted by another child or teen using the Internet, interactive and digital technologies or mobile phones."
For the mean-spirited, the methods for cyberbullying are endless and limited only by a child's imagination and access to technology. Children have killed each other, as well as themselves, after being involved in cyberbullying.
A recent review of 37 international studies, which explored bullying and suicide risk, concluded that children who are victims, perpetrators, or even witnesses to bullying have an increased risk for suicidal thoughts.
With social networking and electronic media expanding the ways kids can bully, tease and otherwise malign their peers, a great deal of damage can be done in a very short period of time, devastating the victim's life. The use of electronic media allows the bully to retain some "perceived distance" and even anonymity from the victim, while doing extensive and irretractable damage.
With the Internet, there are no take-backs, even if the bully later has second thoughts!
This recent take on bullying has created new levels of stress for our youth, which directly impacts suicidal behaviors. It is vitally important that you monitor what your child is doing on the Internet. For more about how to prevent cyberbullying or stop it once it starts, go to
www.stopcyberbullying.org. In order to prevent teen suicide from all angles, it is vital to recognize what leads to it, and then address the causes.
How to Tell if Your Child is at Risk for Suicide
Unfortunately, there is no way to be one hundred percent sure if another human being is suicidal—even if it's your own child. There is no clear profile of the suicidal adolescent.
However, there ARE signs you can watch for. Epidemiological studies have identified variables correlated with suicide risk, and becoming familiar with them will stack the deck in your favor, giving you time to intervene before your child becomes desperate enough to harm himself.
According to the American Association of Suicidology and other organizations, most suicidal teens will have one or more of the following risk factors:
Prior suicide attempt
Expression of thoughts of suicide, death, dying, or the afterlife, in the context of sadness, boredom, hopelessness, loneliness or other negative feelings; risk is even higher if he has a specific suicide plan
Presence of a psychiatric disorder (e.g., depression, drug or alcohol abuse, behavior disorders, conduct disorder and/or incarceration, etc.)
Impulsivity, irritability, and aggressive behavior; frequent expressions of rage
Increasing use of alcohol or drugs
Exposure to another's suicide, especially a family member or friend
Recent severe stressor (e.g., struggling with gender identity, unplanned pregnancy, loss of a parent, recent trauma, anticipated losses, etc.)
Family instability or significant family conflict
The following is a general list of things to keep in mind when assessing your child for potential suicidal risk. The list is in no way comprehensive but will give you a general idea of the kinds of behaviors to notice. A child thinking about suicide may exhibit:
Sad, anxious or "empty" mood (for example, talking about being a bad person, unworthy or not good enough)
Sleeping too much or too little
Changes in weight, appetite, or eating habits
Deteriorating grooming habits
Talking about or preoccupation with death (for example, writing poems about death)
Declining school performance or poor school experience; feeling like he has failed to live up to his own or someone else's expectations
Signs of psychotic thinking, such as delusions, hallucinations or bizarre thoughts
Intolerance of praise or rewards
Loss of pleasure/interest in social or sports activities
Giving away prized possessions
Dramatic changes in personality—such as acting like a rebel when he's usually timid, becoming violent or aggressive, or running away.
Suddenly becoming cheerful after a period of sadness/depression
Deteriorating relationships with friends or family; trouble with a girlfriend or boyfriend; withdrawing from people he used to feel close to
Out of character boredom or trouble concentrating
Abuse of alcohol or drugs
Physical complaints that seem to have no physical basis, such as headaches, stomachaches, etc.
You might find this Teen Suicide Risk Calculator useful. However, keep in mind that every child is different, so I would caution you to not rely exclusively on one source of information or tool.
YOU know your child best!
The bottom line is, trust your gut feelings. If you are concerned, consult a professional for help. If you believe your child is in imminent danger, call a specialised suicide helpline/counsellor or call the police for help.Better to over-react than to do nothing.
QUESTION: Do You Have Any of These Common Misconceptions?
Dr. Robert A. King, professor at Yale University and a psychiatrist at the Yale Child Study Center, has done extensive research on adolescent suicide. According to Dr. King, there are three main misconceptions about teen suicide:
"My teenager might attempt suicide if he has a bad day." Although an upsetting episode is often the immediatetrigger, the vast majority of adolescents who commit suicide have had long-standing emotional problems, such as depression or substance abuse.
"If I ask my teenager about suicide, I might put the idea in her head." Research shows that distressed or previously suicidal adolescents actually feel LESS distressed or suicidal following surveys that ask them about it, rather than more so. So the best thing you can do if you are concerned that your child is suicidal is to ask. Open up honest dialog, and let her know you're concerned.
"I should start thinking about suicide prevention when my child reaches adolescence." Some of the most effective long-term prevention measures begin in early childhood. The earlier your child learns how to effectively deal with negative emotions, the less at risk she will be.
Kids are Increasingly Targeted With Antidepressants – A Dangerous Proposition that Might Be a Driving Factor for Rising Suicide Rates
Every year, 230 million prescriptions for antidepressants are filled, making them one of the most prescribed drugs in the United States. The amount of drugs being given to U.S. children is outrageous, and the extent of the problem becomes clear when you compare the statistics with other countries. U.S. children are getting three times more prescriptions for antidepressants as kids from Germany and the Netherlands, for example.
Depression can indeed progress to suicide if left untreated. But do antidepressants work to alleviate the symptoms of depression?
NO, they don't.
Studies continue to show antidepressant drugs are not any more effective than a placebo, and in some case less effective. A study published in the January 2010 issue of JAMA, concluded there is little evidence that SSRIs (a popular group of antidepressants that includes Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft) have any benefit to people with mild to moderate depression.
SSRIs were 33 percent effective, just like a sugar pill—but with far more adverse effects, including violence and suicidal thoughts and actions. Another study presented at the Neuroscience conference in 2009 tells a similar story.
Not only are these drugs ineffective, but there is much evidence that they intensify violent thoughts and behaviors, both suicidal and homicidal. It's rather telling that seven of the last 12 school shootings were perpetrated by children who were either on antidepressants or withdrawing from them! Besides introducing risk without benefit, antidepressants may be making depression more chronic.
So, antidepressants appear to be changing depression from a "transitory" illness into a more chronic illness. Antidepressants are clearly not the answer for a depressed child or adolescent. But if we take those off the table, then what is the answer?
A Technique Offering Great Hope—and it's FREE
My favorite technique for clearing out the negative emotions that sometimes lead to depression is the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). EFT isn't just for adults—it's being used by children for all sorts of different issues ranging from stomachaches to bedwetting, sprains and strains, phobias, social anxiety, learning problems, hyperactivity, sleep difficulties, stress management—and depression.
Children are generally quick learners, as well as being very open to learning something new. The earlier you teach your child EFT, the better.
Some innovative groups have developed wonderful EFT learning tools for children in the form of cuddly stuffed bears with the tapping points marked on them (TappyBear, Magic Buttons Bear), which makes EFT fun. Children can project their fears onto the bear and tap on him, which they sometimes find more fun than tapping on themselves.
One EFT practitioner, Mary Stafford M.Ed.,LPC,EFT-Adv, has even developed an EFT "shortcut" for kids, which simplifies the process by limiting the tapping points to only four (instead of 8 to 10) when teaching EFT to children.
Teaching your children how to do their own "emotional housekeeping" through EFT is a gift that will serve them well throughout their lives. The time to start is BEFORE issues begin to appear—so the earlier, the better.
Other Practical Suggestions for Nurturing Your Child's Mental Health
In addition to EFT, there are eight important strategies to employ if your child is struggling with his emotions. These strategies have nothing but positive effects and are generally very inexpensive to implement.
Take time to really talk to, and listen to, your child. Sometimes the difference between feeling helpless and feeling hope is just knowing that you are loved. Teach positive coping skills, and let your child know it is okay—even desirable— to ask for help.
Control access to potentially dangerous items in your home, such as guns and pills.
Make sure your child is getting adequate exercise. Regular exercise is one of the secret weapons against depression, helping to normalize insulin levels while boosting the "feel good" hormones in your child's brain. Getting them moving can do wonders for their mental health (and yours!) and is a major improvement over sitting in front of a television or computer.
Encourage your child to go outside and play in the sunshine. Safe sun exposure allows your child's body to produce vitamin D, which is great for his mood. One study even found that people with the lowest levels of vitamin D were 11 times more prone to depression than those who received adequate vitamin D. Just make sure your child doesn't overdo it and get sunburned.
Limit the amount of sugar, soda, grain, and processed food your child eats. Doing so will help normalize his insulin level and prevent his becoming another victim of childhood obesity. Sugar causes chronic inflammation, which disrupts immune function and can wreak havoc on the brain; sugar consumption is directly linked with depression.
Supplement your child's diet with a high quality omega-3 fatty acid, such as krill oil. This may be one of the most significant nutrients preventing depression. DHA is one of the Omega-3 fatty acids in salmon and krill oil, and many children don't get enough of it. Low DHA levels have been linked to depression.
We hope by reading this article you as a parent, brother, sister, grandparent, aunt, uncle or friend will be equipped with the skills to recognise and understand suicide a little better. Education is key in tackling this what can sometimes seem like an epidemic among our young people of Ireland.
Please feel free to comment and we do encourage you to share.
