The
big day is nearly here, your ‘big boy’ or ‘big girl’ is getting ready to start
‘big school’!
The
books are bought, the backpack filled, the uniform pressed and ready to go! Both
you and your child feel the excitement and anticipation of the big day to come.
You know his self-esteem is high, and that he is well able to communicate his
needs to the teacher. You know how independent she is, and that her social
skills and friendships are strong. In your heart of hearts, you know they are
ready to take this first step into formal education. So, what can you do in
these final days to support them during this important transition?
Start
by talking about school and reading books about children starting school. These
books cover all sorts of situations, and can be a great way to start
conversations about what is expected in the primary school system. Pre-empt any anxieties by going through the
various processes – when they will have lunch, what do to if they need to use
the toilet, where you will meet them at the end of the day. Speak positively
about school, if you are nervous about them starting school, try not to show
it!
In
practical terms, think about how independent they can be.
Can she put on and
take off her coat herself? (If her coat is new, make sure she can recognise
it!).
Is he confident in using the bathroom? (If his new uniform has zips, just
check he can use them).
Can she open and close her schoolbag and lunchbox? (Usually
these are both new).
Don’t forget to label all their possessions. This can
avoid rows over who owns what!
Break
and lunch times can be hectic in a classroom full of junior infants, and the
teacher will often not have enough time (or hands!) to help so many children. Little
oranges can be difficult to peel, yogurt drinks can end up down the front of
their jumper, and plastic wrapped cheeses of various sorts often end up at the
bottom of the lunch box half opened. Try having a ‘pretend school lunchtime’
with your child at home so that they can try things out, and you can see what
they can manage easily.
If
your child does not know any other children in the new class, ask around to see
if any children living near you will be starting and introduce them before the
big day.Starting school is always
easier with a hand to hold!
Try
to get into a new routine early – earlier bed time and waking earlier in the
morning – and plan your routine for the mornings. What can you have ready the
night before to make your mornings easier? Better to have more time in the mornings,
than be rushing in a panic. A stressed parent = stressed child.
On
the first morning at school, arrive in plenty of time.Don’t worry if there are a few tears (either
your child or yourself – just hide your own till you have left the classroom!) it
is often just a release of all the emotion of the day. No matter how you are
feeling, be positive with your child.
Don’t linger too long in the classroom -
if your child is nervous, try to engage them in an activity, or with another
child before you leave. Always tell them when you are leaving, and that you
will be there waiting for them when school ends. Remind them that if they are
unsure of anything, just ask the teacher – she is there to help.
If
you have an anxious child, don’t minimise their concerns, instead talk to them
about what to expect and talk through how they might respond to any concerns
they might have. A little trick can be to put a few drops of your perfume on a
hankie for them to take in their schoolbag with them – if feeling a little
nervous, it can help to have a little sniff of mum! Or get two little matching
charms one for you and one for the child to take to school – if you are missing
each other you have the charm to remind you the other one is thinking of you.
At
the end of the day, make sure you are on time to collect them! It can be very
upsetting for a child if they are left waiting for you. After school, try to
have some time set aside to talk to your child about their daily activities. But
try not to worry if your child says ‘I don’t know’ when asked about school
life, they have an awful lot to take in over those first weeks. Most parents
have experience of the greeting ‘what did you do today?’ getting the response
‘nothing’! Remember this transition is not just the first day of school, it
takes time to settle into the new classroom and routine, and you can expect
them to be more tired than usual over the first weeks.
Finally,
don’t forget to look after your own emotional well-being. Your child starting
school can be as much of an emotional change for you as it is for them. Keep
yourself busy over those first days. Try to have a few words with some of the
other parents at drop off and pick up times, they are going through the same
emotions, and will probably become your friends and allies for the next eight
years or so! Your child starting school is both exciting and emotional,
watching them finding their wings and learning to fly. Don’t worry it will soon
be 3pm, and your little whirlwind will be back, eyes sparkling, to reassure you
that she really is a ‘big girl’ now!
Thank You Dr Mary O'Kane
Dr Mary O'Kane is a lecturer in Psychology and Early Childhood Education with Maynooth University and The Open University. Her PhD research studied the issues that children in Ireland, and their families, face during the transition from preschool to primary school. Mary provides training seminars for preschool providers and parents in the areas of wellbeing and self esteem, resilience in young children, positive behaviour management, and preparing children for primary school. Mary worked as the resident early years expert on the Anton Savage show on Today FM, and from 2017 works in the same capacity on the Alison Curtis Show. Mary is also a regular contributor to Ireland AM on parenting and early childhood education issues.
This is a very powerful message about Parent Alienation: undeserved anger towards a previously loved parent during or following a separation or a divorce, written by Brian O'Sullivan.
To the child who said "I don't need my father (mother) I would reiterate the importance of having the love and care of both parents. I only hope that you as a child, adolescent or adult will yet realise the importance of not just one but both parents before it is too late.
Do not blame yourself for what has happened in the past. The fault was not with you, but rested elsewhere as is so clearly explained on this site. Make amends now, by seeking that loving contact you denied yourself when you truly needed this. The parent you have rejected will welcome you back with open arms and a loving heart.
Marital breakdown has become a significant social phenomenon in Ireland. The Central Statistics Office describe an increase of 150% in the rate of marital breakdown in Ireland over the past ten years (2011)
The Courts Service of Ireland describes 2,273 court orders, granted in relation to gaurdianship and a total of 1,738 court orders granted, in relation to custody and access during 2011. These figures do not reflect the number of parents who did not have the financial, emotional or psychological resources to go through the court process.
I wanted one life,
you wanted another,
We couldn't have our cake,
So we ate each other (Mc Gough)
The experience of children being caught in the crossfire between divorcing parents is not new to Ireland. What is new however, is the views of the child are now given more status. This may have presented us with a new dynamic through which the child may be drawn further, into the painful divorce process.
One emerging phenomenon that faces families, social workers, judges and mental health professionals relates to cases where a child venomously rejects and denigrates a previously loved parent, during or following a high conflict divorce or separation.
The purpose of this paper is to introduce, for consideration, some of the contributions made by a number of author's to explain this phenomonen, to identify clinical presentations of an alienated child and to identify the impact of alienation on children.
Some legal and mental health professionals may be superficially child centered. If the child indicates they want nothing to do with a parent, with whom they have had a previously happy relationship. Some of these professionals may conclude the child's views are valid, must be respected and acted upon.
In these circumstances, there is a need to understand a child's strident rejection of one parent in terms of an enhanced inclusive framework rather than simple parental inadequacy (Lavandara, 2012) The research shows us, issues around parental attachment and estrangement are complex and do not lend themselves to easy answers. There is a large body of literature around this issue , Baker, (2010), Fidler & Bala (2010) Friedlander & Walters (2010) Johnston (2003) Kelly & Johnston (2001), Loweinstein (2010) and Warshak (2010) This suggests an intense interest around this issue.
A number of terms have been put forward, to explain this phenomenon such as parental alienation syndrome, alienated child, parental alienation (no syndrome), divorce related malacious mother syndrome, over burdened child, medea syndrome, parental alignments, programmed and brain washed children (Rand, 2011) regardless of which label is chosen. There is widespread agreement among experts in the international family law and mental health arena, as to the existence of a distinctive cluster of divorce related symptoms in a child that may result in psychological disturbance for that child.
Andre (2004) describes alienation as an observable constellation of hateful behaviours on the part of a child, who venomously rejects and directs undeserved anger towards a previously loved parent during or following a separation or a divorce.
Walters & Olsen (2005) conclude, child alienation is partially explained by the alienating behaviours on the part of an emotionally needy aligned parent, who is in role reversal with the child and who offers the child warm, and involved care in exchange for his or her allegiance.
Bernet et al (2010) suggest, a primary feature of alienation is where a child, usually one, whose parents are engaged in a high conflict divorce or separation allies himself or herself strongly with one parent and rejects the other parent without legitimate justification. For Bernet et al, a primary behavioural symptom is of a child, who refuses contact with a parent and is characterised by extreme withdrawal or contempt.
While it is agreed, parental programming may have a causal factor and that the child may make an active contribution to this dynamic. There is somewhat less agreement in relation to the role of the aligned and the rejected parent and the kinds of interventions that may be utilised.
There are multiple factors, both within the marriage and the separation, such as age, developmental level, psychological vulnerability of the child, the behaviours or personalities of both parents, sibling dynamics, the remarriage situation, and the adversarial nature of the custody battle to explain why some children reject a parent (Johnston, 2003)
It is important to distinguish alienated children from those who demonstrate differential preferences for one parent, based on expectable and normative reasons. (Kelly & Johnson, 2001)
Some children have good reason to be hostile or avoidant towards a parent. This is viewed as realistic estrangement, whereas a alienated child is described as expressing freely and persistently, unreasonable, negative beliefs, which are disproportionate to the child's actual experience with that parent.
Andre (2004) provides a number of questions or a checklist to aid in establishing the presence or absence of alienation. They are,
Is there or was there a high conflict divorce/separation or a protracted battle in relation to custody and access?
Is the child's anger, hatred or rejection disproportionate to any "crime" the parent is accused of?
Did the child have a loving relationship with the now rejected parent?
Is the rejection accompanied by extreme resistance to visit the rejected parent?
Does the child shun the parent in public?
Do the child's perceptions lack duality? Are they black and white?
Does it seem there is only "bad" in the rejected parent with no gratitude or affection for the parent?
Are the child's reasons for rejection of a parent scripted, lacking substance or accurate detail?
Has the child added to or embellished the script with his or her own contributions to the rejected parent's badness?
Doed the child insist, he or she has not been influenced by anyone, but that he/she has independently chosen his or her own actions, behaviour and opinions?
Does the child protect and idealise the aligned parent?
Do the actions of the aligned parent suggest an agenda of anger, negativity or destructiveness towards the rejected parent?
Does the child appear to be functioning normally in other settings, but on closer inspection, has other problematic interpersonal relationships?
Is there a distinct lack of guilt or remorse on the part of the child?
Kelly & Johnston (2001) provides us with a typical clinical presentation of an alienated child. They argue, this presentation is consistent with the observations of a child's behaviours and emotional responses as reported by others such as Gardner (1992) and Wallerstein & Kelly, (1980)
They describe, extreme disproportion between the child's perceptions or beliefs about the rejected parent and the actual history of the rejected parents behaviours and the parent-child relationship. The alienated child freely expresses hatred and an intense dislike for the rejected parent which contrasts with most estranged children. They demonise and vilify the rejected parent, they frequently point to trivial reasons to justify their hatred and they are usually not shy about broadcasting the percieved failings of the rejected parent to others. The child cannot see duality, is unable to put the good and bad qualities of a parent together. In the child's mind there is only bad.
Common behaviours, that have been identified, as consistent with that of an alienated child, is their strong resistence to contact with the rejected parent, their absolute refusal to see the parent in any setting and their determination to end the child-parent relationship. They strongly articulate their right, to choose, not to have contact with the rejected parent. They insist this decision is theirs and theirs alone.
Other common behaviours identified are around the child's story. Their allegations about the rejected parent are mostly identical to that of the aligned parent's allegations and stories. The story is scripted and repeated endlessly with little or no underlying detail to support the allegations, unlike children with true histories of abuse or neglect. The alienated child has adopted the allegations. The alienated child's story sounds rehearsed with frequent use of adult language and phrases. There is no obvious guilt as the child continues to viciously denigrate the rejected parent.
Alienated children have been given permission to be powerful, hostile and rude to the rejected parent and his or her extended family. Even previously cherished pet, living with the rejected parent may be discarded and denigrated with proud descriptions of their new perfect replacements provided by the aligned parent (kelly & Johnson 2001)
The alienated child idealises the aligned parent. They will not contemplate any other suggestion. They may describe how the aligned parent has been harmed emotionally, physically or financially by the rejected parent.
The aligned parent may believe their child does not need the rejected parent in his or her life. The aligned parent may insist, the child is free to visit the rejected parent, however attempts to contact or visit the child are viewed as harassment. Phone calls, messages or cards are not passed on to the child. Information about school, medication, special events or sports days and such like are not passed on to the rejected parent. All references to the rejected parent are removed from the residence including pictures, which may be torn up in front of the child. Most children quickly learn not to speak of the rejected parent. The rejected parent is effectively shut out of the child's life. The aligned parent will strongly support their angry child's right to make their own decisions in relation to contact with the rejected parent.
The alienated child may present, as very distraught and angry and yet appear, at least superficially, to be functioning adequately. They present as well adjusted in other settings such as schools, sports, hobbies and such like. however the child's black and white views, coupled with harshly strident views and feelings are usually reflected in their dealings with their peers and those in authority.
The behaviour of the alienated child within the home of the rejected parent may be severely problematic. They may destroy property. They prefer to be in contact constantly with the aligned parent, frequently speaking in code, and whispering hostile observations about the rejected parent's behaviours, meals, personality and words.
When the alienated child is refusing contact with the rejected parent, all efforts by the rejected parent to communicate directly with the child will be to no avail. The alienated child may demand, the parent never contact them again. They may demand the rejected parent stop "harassing" them with presents and cards, which will likely go unopened and may be discarded. They may demand the rejected parent stop their useless legal efforts and court appearances.
Bone & Walsh (1999) provide four criteria which they suggest may be used as a guide in the process of considering the presence or absence of alienation. The first is around, the blocking of access and contact between the child and the targeted parent. Sometimes the aligned parent will cite access as being "unsettling" on the child, any deviations to schedules is used as an excuse to terminate access. Bone & Walsh suggest, access between the child and the targeted parent is relegated to a "chore". The absent parent is to be treated less like a key family member. This sends a clear but unspoken message to the child that one parent is "senior" to the other parent. This, they suggest, results in the erosion of the child's relationship with the absent parent.
The second criteria is around, unfounded allegations of emotional abuse. The authors suggest this may occur as a result of one parent allowing a child to stay up later than the other parent would, or one parent introducing the child to a "significant other" before the other parent feels they should or where one parent, enrols the child in a activity that the other person disagrees with.
These author's suggest this is a matter of simple differing parental judgement rather than emotional abuse. They suggest it is easier to allege emotional abuse as there is no physical evidence or third party witnesses.
Bone & Walsh caution against a parent who is eager to hurl allegations of abuse rather than a parent who is being cautious, careful and even reluctant to do so. They argue the latter approach is one of, a parent who is mindful of, supportive of and encouraging of a relationship between the child and absent parent. For Bone & Walsh, the responsible parent will only allege abuse after he or she has tried to rationalise why the issue at hand, is not abusive. They conclude they alienating parent will not miss an opportunity to make allegations of abuse against the absent parent.
The third criterion, provided is referred to as the deterioration of the parent-child relationship since a separation or divorce. They advocate for, a close evaluation of the pre-separation relationship between the child and now, absent parent. They suggest if this evaluation is omitted, there may be assumptions made by professionals, that the current child-parent relationship is a true reflection of the child-parent relationship. This may result in professional recommending reduced contact between the child and absent parent. This may add to the alienating process albeit, unknowingly so, on the part of the professionals.
The fourth criteria provided, is around the child's intense fear reaction. These author's suggest the child is frequently being placed into loyalty tests, thus forcing the child to choose a parent. They suggest this is characterised by the child who, begins to loudly protest when the appointed time of access arrives. The aligned parent presents, as bewildered in relation to the child's sudden change in feelings. The aligned parent will frequently appear to support the child's relationship with the absent parent. They conclude, this is an example of the child, being placed in a position to act out their loyalty to the aligned parent.
The impact of alienation on the child is well documented in the empirical literature. The inner self of the child may disappear as the child is brought up to fulfill the needs of the aligned parent. This may result in the child sacrificing their authentic desires, needs and characteristics. The inner reality of the child is likened to emotional abuse, buried beneath the hostility and rejection , the child feels the loss of a once warm and nurturing parent with guilt over their rejection (Andre,2004) Some other examples provided by Baker & Ben Ami (2011) include, diminished self esteem which is associated with overly dependent behaviour, depression, insecure attachment style, difficulties with identity development and psychosomatic illness. Children of parents in high conflict divorces experience painful loyalty conflicts which creates sadness and depression (Baker,2007 & Buchanan et al,1991)Triangulation is one of the main elements of marital breakdown that is harmful to the child's long term adjustment (Emery, 2004)
Critics of this phenomenon broadly fall into two categories (Clarkson & Clarkson, 2007) The first category, suggest the concept of alienation has been invented to excuse neglectful or abusive parenting. The second category accepts the existence of the phenomenon but disputes the scientific formulation of it. Other critics, argue it is not listed in the DSM IV (TR) and therefore it does not exist.
Supporters of the concept of alienation suggest, healthy established parental relationships do not erode on their own, they must be attacked (Bone & Walsh,1999) They suggest children do not naturally lose interest in and become distant from their non resident parent simply as a result of the absence of that parent. They argue allegations of neglect or abuse ought to be fully investigated to ensure the safety of the child. They suggest, in cases of alienation, the allegations will be unsubstantiated (Ellis & Boyan,2010). They argue, there is a crucial need to distinguish between real estrangement and alienation. They argue, to suggest alienation is not real, as it is not listed in the DSM IV (TR) is like saying AIDS did not exist in 1980 because it was not then listed in the DSM.
It's normal for kids to be anxious from time to time, but how can you know whether your child's worries are cause for concern? Here are smart suggestions from the experts at the Child Mind Institute
All kids have fears. Your baby may panic if a stranger picks her up. Your toddler may be afraid of dogs. Your third grader may get a stomach-ache the day he's starting a new school. But some kids worry a lot more than others. It's always painful to watch a child suffer from anxiety, but it's especially difficult if you're not sure whether she's worrying too much and might need help.
The difference between normal worry and an anxiety disorder is severity. Although feeling anxious is a natural reaction to a stressful or dangerous situation, a child may need help if his anxiety is out of proportion, if it persists, or if it interferes with his life and healthy development.
Signs Your Child May Be Anxious
A young child who is overwhelmed by worries may not realise that those worries are unrealistic or exaggerated, and he may not express them, except by his behaviour. If he's anxious that something might happen to a parent, he may have trouble separating, or falling asleep. If he can't stop worrying about getting sick, he might seek constant reassurance, or wash his hands obsessively.
Children who have severe anxiety will also try to avoid the thing that triggers it. If a child refuses to participate in activities other children enjoy; if she throws a tantrum before every appointment with the dentist or doctor appointment; if she gets sick on Sunday nights, or spends a great deal of time in the sch, serious anxiety may be the culprit.
Separation Anxiety
Separation Anxiety
If the prospect of being separated from parents or caregivers causes a child extreme distress, she may have separation anxiety disorder. Difficulty separating is normal in early childhood; it becomes a disorder if the fear and anxiety interfere with age-appropriate behaviour, whether it's letting a parent out of her sight at 18 months or being dropped off at school at age 7.
A child with separation anxiety might have an extremely difficult time saying goodbye to her parents, being alone on one floor of the house, or going to sleep in a darkened room, because she is terrified that something will happen to her or her family if they are separated. She might avoid playdates and birthday parties; at home, she might "shadow" one parent constantly. She might experience stomach-aches, headaches, and dizziness in anticipation of the separation.
Generalised Anxiety Disorder
If a child seems to worry too much, in a pervasive way, about ordinary, everyday things, he might have something called generalized anxiety disorder. This kind of anxiety is often focused on performance in school or sports -- Will I pass the test? What if I don't play well? Will I get into a good college? It may drive extreme studying or practicing, making the child "his own tyrant," in the words of one Child Mind Institute clinician.
Kids with GAD worry incessantly about their ability to meet expectations. They tend to seek reassurance in an attempt to assuage their fears (Will we get there on time? What if I can't fall asleep the night before the test?) and they can be rigid and irritable. The stress they experience can lead to physical symptoms, including fatigue, stomach-aches, and headaches.
Specific Phobias
If a child isn't anxious in general, but is excessively fearful of a particular object or situation, he may have a specific phobia. This crippling fear will manifest when he's confronted by the thing -- dogs, clowns, loud noises, water, insects, the dark -- either directly or indirectly, such as seeing an image or hearing a song about it.
Children with specific phobias will anticipate and avoid the thing that triggers their fear, which can severely limit their activities. They may cry or throw tantrums to avoid the object of their distress, or experience physical symptoms like trembling, dizziness, and sweating.
Social Anxiety Disorder
Most children are occasionally shy or self-conscious, but when a child (usually a teenager) is excessively worried about doing something embarrassing, or being judged negatively, she may have social anxiety disorder. Fear of doing something that may cause humiliation may prompt a child to avoid school or other social situations, and to cry or throw tantrums when pressured to go.
Some children have social anxiety focused on performing -- speaking in class, for instance, or ordering in restaurants and shopping in stores. Others also have anxiety in social situations even when they're not in the spotlight, which makes them fear going to school, eating in public, and using public toilets.
Selective Mutism
If a child is talkative in the privacy of home but unable to speak in school and other social situations, she may have selective mutism. Parents and teachers sometimes interpret this silence as wilful, but the child is actually paralyzed by extreme self-consciousness.
Selective mutism can cause a child severe distress -- she can't communicate even if she is in pain, or needs to use the bathroom -- and can prevent her from participating in school and other activities. Some children seem frozen, like deer in the headlights, when they are called upon to speak. Others will use gestures, facial expressions, and nodding to communicate without talking. Even at home, some will fall silent when anyone other than a family member is present.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
If a child is plagued with intense fears, and feels compelled to perform repetitive rituals to make them go away, he may have obsessive-compulsive disorder. Children with OCD are overwhelmed by unwanted thoughts and fears (obsessions), which they defuse, or neutralize, by repetitive actions (compulsions).
Common obsessions are fear of contamination, fear that they or someone close to them will be harmed, and fear that they themselves will do something terrible. They may compulsively wash their hands, lock and relock doors, or touch parts of their bodies symmetrically to neutralize the fear and make themselves comfortable. They may also repeatedly ask questions and seek reassurance, and they may insist that others participate in their rituals.
What To Do If Your Child May Need Help?
The first step in seeking help for a child is an evaluation. The clinician you see should have diagnostic expertise and should explain the sources of information she's going to use. It's a good idea to keep track of the behaviours that worry you and when they occur, to help identify possible triggers. A brief office visit with your child is not sufficient for a diagnosis.
In choosing a professional to treat your child, it's best to find someone trained to work with children -- a board certified child and adolescent psychiatrist, or a licensed psychologist. The clinician should explain clearly what a therapy entails, what it's effective for, why he recommends it, and the extent of his training and experience with it.
