As parents, there is a constant temptation to shield our children from bad news. But sometimes, and in particular with acts of terrorism, bad news is unavoidable - it’s in on television, it’s on social media, and it’s on our minds.
Experts from the Royal College of Psychiatrists have advised that parents should be honest with their children about the Manchester terror attack. "We would not advise hiding your child from what may be on the news or social media," said Dr Bernadka Dubicka, chairwoman-elect of RCP's child and adolescent psychiatry faculty. "They will inevitably learn about it from their friends, so it's best to be honest with them about what has happened.
Yet how exactly do you go about explaining to a young child that 22 people have been murdered at a concert?
Language Matters
For children of all ages, the most important thing is to reassure them that they are safe. Don’t get into the political context with primary-aged children. That may come up in conversation with older children, but the importance at any age is offering the reassurance that they are safe.
For pre-school children, use concrete language: don’t say “This person went to sleep” or “We’ve lost that person” - because that could instil fear or anxiety in that child about going to sleep. And what does lost mean? They’re lost at the shops? Be accurate and mindful of the impact of your language.
Age-appropriate conversations
For pre-school, think about how much exposure they’ve had. Maybe they’ve overheard the news, so the conversation could be quite brief: acknowledge what has happened, and say that lots of people have died as a result of a really bad incident. You can say that we don’t know why this has happened.
As the parent or teacher or carer, the most important part is to offer reassurance: this is very unusual, there are lots of safety checks in place to protect us.
Use age-appropriate language, and be aware of what your child understands: do they really know what “died” means? It’s usually not until the age of 5 or 6 that children understand that death is permanent.
With primary school, the majority will understand what “dead” means. So it may be that you can add details - you may be able to sit down and watch the 6 o’clock news together.
The perpetrators
You should talk about a bad action or behaviour - not bad people. Ms Allen explains: “A lot of our work is with families bereaved through murder.
With children, you must be careful about the language: people aren’t bad - it’s something bad that they’ve done - this helps prevent anxiety in children, and fears that ‘bad people’ are coming to get them.”
Social Media Awareness
Secondary school aged children will have come across news about the attacks already on social media. Remind them that some of the things they have read there may be incorrect. Have a conversation with your child about what they think has happened.
Talk about the images they’ve seen - these can be more powerful than words.
If they see an image, and haven’t had a conversation with someone they trust, they will build up these images something that is so big that it’s unmanageable for them; you don’t want a child to start fantasising that someone is going to come after them.
Promote peace
When I have spoken to my children, who are primary and pre-school age, about previous terror attacks, I've tried to shift their focus towards the coming together people in the aftermath, and the work people around the world to keep everyone safe.
Shield them
This hysteria is exactly what the people carrying out these acts want. And it is exactly this sort of hysteria that we, as parents, need to protect our children from. Instead, this is the sentiment we need to spread: that the majority of the world wants peace.
KEY POINTS
This story is upsetting for children because they can imagine something like this happening to them or someone close to them.
The next few days might be more difficult as images of people grieving
will be shown on the television, which can be upsetting for children and
might trigger more questions.
It is very unusual that something like this happens. This is one of the
reasons why it is on the news and lots of people are talking about it;
it is also because it is very upsetting that something like this could
happen.
Children find the idea of bad people particularly frightening. Children
are also very fair-minded and will want reassurance that the person who
did this has been caught by the police and will be punished.
This can be an opportunity to help young people develop their empathy and reflect on the value of life and relationships.
What if they ask why it happened?
If the children want to know ‘why?’ you could say something like:
‘No-one can completely know why. We know it wasn’t an accident. It’s so, so difficult to understand why anyone would be so cruel as to kill other people.’
If your children are scared they or you will die.
Try to answer with some solid reassurance, such as: "We don’t expect anything like this will ever happen here.
"If one of us died for any reason, you would always be looked after by ______ (the other parent/aunt/uncle/granny/family friend). I don’t expect to die for a long time yet’.
May the beautiful beings who lost their precious lives yesterday, rest in peace.
The school environment can be very
stressful; in addition to any issues children bring from home, many
struggle with a sense of their own difference and start to feel pressure to
perform well in class.
Exclusion, isolation or fears of being left
behind are very painful for any child, so we have built our Buddy Bench Aware
Program around teaching self-awareness, friendship, empathy and self-expression,
using the Buddy Bench as a visual aid.
The Workshop
"Look Up, Look Around and Look Out for
Each Other”
Emotions v Feelings
What do emotions feel like and look like?
How can you tell what you’re feeling?
All people have feelings. Feelings help us
learn about ourselves and others. All emotions are natural, so kids shouldn’t
feel bad about experiencing them.
Through role play, our teaching
story, discussion and self-awareness exercises, our facilitators help children
reflect on their emotions, which sometimes feel overwhelming, and give simple
tools for changing their relationship to their feelings. We teach them to
cultivate a kinder attitude to themselves and each other, demonstrating differences
in body language, and cultivating skills for mutually supportive communication.
Learning to strengthen attention and regulate
emotions are foundational skills that could benefit children in school and
throughout their whole lives.
Each child receives a copy of our
beautifully illustrated interactive workbook featuring teaching story and
creative activities that give opportunities for developing a vocabulary around
feelings, and a positive attitude about asking for help.
You can read along and join in the
questions too!
The feedback from our programmes is
very promising – we are currently completing an evaluation with the Mental
Health Social Research Unit at NUI Maynooth. According to teachers’
ratings, children show more empathy and kindness and a greater ability to calm
themselves down when they feel upset. Their social and emotional development
has improved, the children showed improvement in the ability to think
flexibly, and had cultivated the life skills that have been linked to
health and success in later life.
You are our Heros
Combined with the Buddy Bench as a visual
tool in times of distress, the children were able to find comfort and
support through each other rather than feeling upset and worried.
It’s these small changes, spread across classrooms, that could make
society more kind—and educate a new generation of more compassionate and
connected adults.
To book us to come to your school and
deliver any of our programmes email:hello@buddybench.ie
The school environment can be stressful; in addition to any issues children bring from home, as children grow older they become extremely sensitive to their place in peer groups. At the same time, a greater awareness of the larger world around them can cause children to become vulnerable to anxiety.
At this age, friendships are key to a child’s self image, and the responsibility of becoming a role model to younger children in the school can bring out the best in the senior classes in a school.
The Workshop
You are a Hero! Friendship: How can you be a good friend to others?
You can’t be there for others if you don’t take care of yourself first!
Children are extraordinarily observant, and as they move outward into the world they want to take responsibility for their own wellbeing and that of other people, animals, the environment and so on.
Through discussion and role-play we introduce the idea that a real hero has self-awareness, can understand their own feelings and cultivate positive habits of thought, cares for their own mental health, knows their own strengths and develops skills to match, asks friends how they are doing, and knows how to listen well.
The You are a Hero! Activity Book gives tools for personal and social resilience, and invites children to become members of our Hero Club, ambassadors for friendship and self-fulfilment as they move towards adolescence.
"There is a page in the back of this workbook we ask the children to fill in and send back to us to receive their You are a Hero badge and a to be chance of winning a bigger prize, this can be done on an individual basis or as a class project. We want to hear the children's' voices we need their feedback."
The feedback from our programmes is very promising – we are currently completing an evaluation with the Mental Health Social Research Unit at NUI Maynooth. According to teachers’ ratings, children show more empathy and kindness and a greater ability to calm themselves down when they feel upset. Their social and emotional development has improved, the children showed improvement in the ability to think flexibly, and had cultivated the life skills that have been linked to health and success in later life.
Combined with the Buddy Bench as a visual tool in times of distress, the children were able to find comfort and support through each other rather than feeling upset and worried. It’s these small changes, spread across classrooms, that could make society more kind—and educate a new generation of more compassionate and connected adults.
In this workshop we ask that there be a small number of pre-chosen Buddy Ambassadors chosen from 6th class approx. 2 per hundred other students in the school., they can alternate. Their role will be to look after the younger children and monitor the Buddy Bench is being used correctly (within reason). Through our own internal evaluation we have found the more responsibility the children are given the better the outcomes.
To book us to come to your school and deliver any of our programmes email: hello@buddybench.ie
Like many of you we were extremely moved by the article below, we asked the author to contact us for a few reasons. We needed to know if he/she was getting the right support and guidance they needed and we had a few questions. Whilst visiting schools almost daily we know the educational system may be letting our children and young people down. Teachers have their hands tied as too over work load, restrictions and lack of budget, change is needed at via the Departments of Health and the Department of Education both. Until then schools, teachers and students will make do, but we believe this is not good enough.
The author is an extremely intelligent young lady from Cork. She is receiving the support she needs from her family and her school and as you will read she is doing just fine. We applaud her bravery, honesty and her objectives for writing the article.
1) What compelled you to write this article was there anything that sparked you expressing your feelings and experience?
To be honest, the article wasn't planned at all , the one you read was the first draft. I was sitting at home last Sunday night and was just so fed up of feeling the way I did. I began thinking of the things I have missed out on and people who I've lost because of my mental health. I was also caught in a trail of thoughts about so many other people who are struggling so much at the moment , balancing school and their own share of problems. I cannot say for certain any particular event inspired me to write the article, it was really just a mixture of things piled up over time and I couldn't just sit back and let it affect me anymore.
2).In the article you say, “My school, and teachers are excellent, they do what they can but they cannot change the way a student thinks and feels”. It sounds like your teachers try to understand, however is there something that, in your experience, the teachers, PTA, student body, could have helped with?
My teachers are outstanding. I could not fault them at all. Of course I always believe student body could try and be kinder to one another, stop judging people so much over the most irrelevant little details! But we are young, and that is what we do. I do believe PTA's should be aware of the depth of mental health issues in schools because of course , it could be affecting their children one way or another. For that I suggest an anonymous survey be issued by PTA groups and handed out to the students of their schools, containing questions such as "have you ever suffered from a mental health disorder " or " Do you know somebody affected by one?" And students can simply tick yes or no. I know from experience young people are very put off opening up about these sort of things in case they are scrutinised, but by leaving it anonymous ,PTA groups can get a clear and accurate representation of the mental health state in their schools and thus can take charge to making changes. Regards to teachers, I seriously can only speak from experience and the teachers at my school cannot be faulted. They notice the slightest things and are open and welcoming. They make time for their students and they genuinely care.
3)Was there anything or anyone in your primary or secondary schooling that opened up a discussion on metal health/well-being?
In my primary school no, there was not anything held that discussed mental health etc. But this year in sixth year, we had a talk once a week for 8 weeks about well being , mindfulness and it being "okay to be you". This was not compulsory and you could sign up to do it if you wish. I found this very effective and gave me a chance to talk to my peers about topics I would usually find awkward to discuss.
4)You said in your article I spent so long in my teenage years thinking I was "dramatic "and "hormonal". Was there anyone you talked to about this when you started feeling this way?
I talked to my friends normally when I felt angry , emotional and upset. But I stopped opening up because everyone would have the same misogynistic response ; "It's probably your period" or my personal favourite ; " Teenage hormones". Our society is built in a way we brush serious issues under the carpet because it would cause people to feel too much if they were to be discussed.
5) You said in your article “What angers me the most, is I completely believe, my state of mental health would never have reached the level it is at, if there was a class offered from 1st year up, to students that discussed every part of any mental health disorder" Were there any support mechanisms in place in your secondary school with regards to mental health?
There were always posters around school about mental health and the staff were always open if a student chose to talk about it. But I don't think that it the issue. I believe that students can be too embarrassed , scared or sometimes do not even think they have a problem to discuss! This is why I want more than anything a mental health studies class to be put in place to , in a way ,to normalise discussions about things such as anxiety, depression etc because so many people suffer from them! Look at it this way, say in some alternate universe if 6 out of 10 children got cancer, would you deny children a right to be aware of the symptoms and access to treatment to help them with their disease?
6)How much of a difference would it have made to how you felt and your school years had there been supports in place?
I definitely believe that it would not have taken me 5 years to finally open up about my struggles had there been supports in place and as I said , no way would have I reached the lows I have. I would have known how to deal with certain situations and would not have to miss school because of low moods and anxiety. Ironically I miss school also because I attend counselling outside of school! I do also meetup with a counsellor in school who is amazing! But she is just one person and my worry is only for the people who cannot and will not ever speak out about their struggles because they are afraid of the reaction.
7)Did you feel free to speak to your friends or teachers about how you were feeling?
I did feel 100 %t free to talk to my teachers because I already had a good relationship with them and felt they really did care. With friends it is more difficult, you are always going to be afraid of what they'll think about you afterwards but what they won't say.It is also worrying in case they begin to treat you differently , and for a person with anxiety that would cause the over thinking to go into overload ! But since my article was released my friends treat me no different and are so proud and supportive of me which does support the saying that it really is all in our head.
8) Where you frightened of speaking to your peers about what you were experiencing?
Yes I was frightened ! Not because my peers were judgemental but anxiety causes you to be extremely paranoid which on a normal day is bad enough! I was worried maybe a few would think it was for attention and if i was confronted with that idea , I honestly do not know how I would deal with it! I also never would want to make it all about myself? Everyone has their own struggles and thought maybe my friends would have problems monumental comparing to mine and I would just look self-obsessed.
9)How did you learn about how your friends and peers were also experiencing issues around mental health?
When you yourself go through mental health issues you pick up little ways of dealing with it , or avoiding difficult situations, you're also constantly on high alert in case somebody notices you doing these things that I actually began to notice my friends and peers in similar situations and doing similar things to me. Also quite a few friends have opened up to me about their own issues , I will always have time for people who goes through difficult times because everybody needs somebody.
10) How much of a stigma around mental health issues did you experience?
Since it is early days I haven't received stigma for my article yet. Now I have no doubt some people have their own opinions on what it is I am going through and I respect that , as long as they do not confront me in a rude or nasty way. Being aware of a certain stigma around mental health issues has made me reluctant to open up in the past though. I am sick of honest , hurting people who open up about their problems and are branded attention seeking and over dramatic.
11) Do you feel your voice is being heard since this article? Has this made a difference to how you are feeling?
You honestly have no idea how amazing I feel since the publication of my article online. I finally feel like people want to hear what I have to say and the fact people agree and relate with me is even more amazing. This has inspired me to keep writing and to keep being passionate about this.
I am willing to talk to anybody that will listen! Myself and my mom were planning a book tour , a radio show and a slot on daytime tv for myself this morning haha! All jokes aside, it has increased my confidence by a million, and increased my mood more than I ever would have anticipated. I did not have that knot in my stomach waking up because the texts and comments I have received from people relating with me and my article made me realise I am not alone. People are going through this and have gone through this and people will go through this again but I am determined to come out stronger and prouder.
Isn't she just amazing, inspiring and what a bright future she has ahead of her.....Thank You for sharing XXX
1. Getting in touch with the body
Although anxiety might start out as a negative thought or worry, it is always experienced in the body as a feeling. People who are over-anxious have agitated bodies – their hearts are beating faster, their breathing is quicker and they might experience symptoms such as sweaty palms or pains in their stomachs. As well as tackling the thinking that causes anxiety, an important way to overcome anxiety is to learn to manage the feelings of anxiety and, in particular, learning to relax the body.
Generally, a key feature of problematic anxiety is that the child is out of touch with their body. They are often living too much in their heads (which are full of anxiety-laden thoughts, ruminations and worries). Frequently, the goal is to help them “get out of their heads” and live more in their bodies; you want them to stop over-thinking and to start living. Sometimes, anxiety is caused by the mind misunderstanding the body’s basic signals as in the case of a panic attack. For example, an anxious teen might notice their heart breathing faster, causing them to worry that they are having a heart attack which, in turn, causes their heart to beat even faster and so the anxiety escalates.
2. Learning to relax in the face of anxiety
A key step in overcoming anxiety is becoming aware of how it impacts on your body and then learning ways to discharge those feelings in order to relax your agitated body which, in turn, relaxes your mind. In my clinical experience, different techniques work for different children and adults. For example, some children can readily use introverted activities such as becoming aware and slowing their breathing and others find extroverted activities easier such as using physical exercise to discharge their anxiety. As a result, you have to be patient to find out what works for your child. Below are some of the techniques that I have found most useful when working clinically with children, all of which need to be practised regularly if they are to work.
3. Encouraging body awareness
The first step is to help children become aware of exactly where and how they experience anxiety in their body. For example, a child anxious going to school might experience tummy pains (and interpret this as being sick and a reason to avoid school). It can be helpful to invite them to notice this as being caused by anxiety – “Sometimes, worries can cause us to feel a tummy pain.” I find it useful to make a body map with children, where you draw out or colour in the different parts of the body where they experience anxiety symptoms. This helps them tune into their body and not to be overwhelmed by the anxiety.
4. Physical exercise and relaxation
Doing something physical and then relaxing afterwards is an excellent method of dealing with anxiety. This might be as simple as going for a walk when you feel anxious, taking 10 minutes on the trampoline or doing 10 press-ups. More formally this could mean practising the evidence-based technique of progressive muscular relaxation (PMR) whereby you practise systemically tensing and then relaxing each part of your body. PMR is usually learned by listening to a audio guide (many of which are available on YouTube) that you could use with your child as part of their bedtime routine. In using physical exercise techniques, a key aspect is to get your child to focus on their body as they exercise and then to take time to relax afterwards.
5. Breathing and relaxation
A second major set of techniques that you can use to help children to relax, is encouraging them to become aware of their breathing. There are many different breathing techniques that you can use but simple ones such as counting slowly as you breathe can work well. For example you can invite your child to breathe in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, relax 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and then breathe out 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. The goal is to help children slow their breath (which reduces anxiety) and to attend to their body (which stops them attending to worrying thoughts).
6. Mindfulness and meditation
The practice of mindfulness and meditation provides many different tactics that you can teach children as a means of managing their anxiety. In simple terms, these techniques focus on helping children simply notice and accept what is happening in their bodies and environment without trying to change anything. Given the current popularity of mindfulness, there are literally hundreds of guides on how to teach children. Have a search online.
7. Positive visualisation
As anxious children often have great imaginations (unfortunately focused on negative things), a good technique can be to teach them to use positive visualisation as a means of relaxing. For example, as a ritual during the bedtime routine, you can listen to an audio clip with relaxing music that encourages a child to identify a happy memory or a safe relaxed place which they can practise recalling when anxious or as a means of aiding sleep. Learning the discipline of distracting your mind from negative and fruitless worries is a key tactic in managing anxiety.
We teach each of these element in our positive mental well being workshops for primary school children. To book us come to your school email us on hello@buddybench.ie or call (056) 7702027.
This is a very powerful message about Parent Alienation: undeserved anger towards a previously loved parent during or following a separation or a divorce, written by Brian O'Sullivan.
To the child who said "I don't need my father (mother) I would reiterate the importance of having the love and care of both parents. I only hope that you as a child, adolescent or adult will yet realise the importance of not just one but both parents before it is too late.
Do not blame yourself for what has happened in the past. The fault was not with you, but rested elsewhere as is so clearly explained on this site. Make amends now, by seeking that loving contact you denied yourself when you truly needed this. The parent you have rejected will welcome you back with open arms and a loving heart.
Marital breakdown has become a significant social phenomenon in Ireland. The Central Statistics Office describe an increase of 150% in the rate of marital breakdown in Ireland over the past ten years (2011)
The Courts Service of Ireland describes 2,273 court orders, granted in relation to gaurdianship and a total of 1,738 court orders granted, in relation to custody and access during 2011. These figures do not reflect the number of parents who did not have the financial, emotional or psychological resources to go through the court process.
I wanted one life,
you wanted another,
We couldn't have our cake,
So we ate each other (Mc Gough)
The experience of children being caught in the crossfire between divorcing parents is not new to Ireland. What is new however, is the views of the child are now given more status. This may have presented us with a new dynamic through which the child may be drawn further, into the painful divorce process.
One emerging phenomenon that faces families, social workers, judges and mental health professionals relates to cases where a child venomously rejects and denigrates a previously loved parent, during or following a high conflict divorce or separation.
The purpose of this paper is to introduce, for consideration, some of the contributions made by a number of author's to explain this phenomonen, to identify clinical presentations of an alienated child and to identify the impact of alienation on children.
Some legal and mental health professionals may be superficially child centered. If the child indicates they want nothing to do with a parent, with whom they have had a previously happy relationship. Some of these professionals may conclude the child's views are valid, must be respected and acted upon.
In these circumstances, there is a need to understand a child's strident rejection of one parent in terms of an enhanced inclusive framework rather than simple parental inadequacy (Lavandara, 2012) The research shows us, issues around parental attachment and estrangement are complex and do not lend themselves to easy answers. There is a large body of literature around this issue , Baker, (2010), Fidler & Bala (2010) Friedlander & Walters (2010) Johnston (2003) Kelly & Johnston (2001), Loweinstein (2010) and Warshak (2010) This suggests an intense interest around this issue.
A number of terms have been put forward, to explain this phenomenon such as parental alienation syndrome, alienated child, parental alienation (no syndrome), divorce related malacious mother syndrome, over burdened child, medea syndrome, parental alignments, programmed and brain washed children (Rand, 2011) regardless of which label is chosen. There is widespread agreement among experts in the international family law and mental health arena, as to the existence of a distinctive cluster of divorce related symptoms in a child that may result in psychological disturbance for that child.
Andre (2004) describes alienation as an observable constellation of hateful behaviours on the part of a child, who venomously rejects and directs undeserved anger towards a previously loved parent during or following a separation or a divorce.
Walters & Olsen (2005) conclude, child alienation is partially explained by the alienating behaviours on the part of an emotionally needy aligned parent, who is in role reversal with the child and who offers the child warm, and involved care in exchange for his or her allegiance.
Bernet et al (2010) suggest, a primary feature of alienation is where a child, usually one, whose parents are engaged in a high conflict divorce or separation allies himself or herself strongly with one parent and rejects the other parent without legitimate justification. For Bernet et al, a primary behavioural symptom is of a child, who refuses contact with a parent and is characterised by extreme withdrawal or contempt.
While it is agreed, parental programming may have a causal factor and that the child may make an active contribution to this dynamic. There is somewhat less agreement in relation to the role of the aligned and the rejected parent and the kinds of interventions that may be utilised.
There are multiple factors, both within the marriage and the separation, such as age, developmental level, psychological vulnerability of the child, the behaviours or personalities of both parents, sibling dynamics, the remarriage situation, and the adversarial nature of the custody battle to explain why some children reject a parent (Johnston, 2003)
It is important to distinguish alienated children from those who demonstrate differential preferences for one parent, based on expectable and normative reasons. (Kelly & Johnson, 2001)
Some children have good reason to be hostile or avoidant towards a parent. This is viewed as realistic estrangement, whereas a alienated child is described as expressing freely and persistently, unreasonable, negative beliefs, which are disproportionate to the child's actual experience with that parent.
Andre (2004) provides a number of questions or a checklist to aid in establishing the presence or absence of alienation. They are,
Is there or was there a high conflict divorce/separation or a protracted battle in relation to custody and access?
Is the child's anger, hatred or rejection disproportionate to any "crime" the parent is accused of?
Did the child have a loving relationship with the now rejected parent?
Is the rejection accompanied by extreme resistance to visit the rejected parent?
Does the child shun the parent in public?
Do the child's perceptions lack duality? Are they black and white?
Does it seem there is only "bad" in the rejected parent with no gratitude or affection for the parent?
Are the child's reasons for rejection of a parent scripted, lacking substance or accurate detail?
Has the child added to or embellished the script with his or her own contributions to the rejected parent's badness?
Doed the child insist, he or she has not been influenced by anyone, but that he/she has independently chosen his or her own actions, behaviour and opinions?
Does the child protect and idealise the aligned parent?
Do the actions of the aligned parent suggest an agenda of anger, negativity or destructiveness towards the rejected parent?
Does the child appear to be functioning normally in other settings, but on closer inspection, has other problematic interpersonal relationships?
Is there a distinct lack of guilt or remorse on the part of the child?
Kelly & Johnston (2001) provides us with a typical clinical presentation of an alienated child. They argue, this presentation is consistent with the observations of a child's behaviours and emotional responses as reported by others such as Gardner (1992) and Wallerstein & Kelly, (1980)
They describe, extreme disproportion between the child's perceptions or beliefs about the rejected parent and the actual history of the rejected parents behaviours and the parent-child relationship. The alienated child freely expresses hatred and an intense dislike for the rejected parent which contrasts with most estranged children. They demonise and vilify the rejected parent, they frequently point to trivial reasons to justify their hatred and they are usually not shy about broadcasting the percieved failings of the rejected parent to others. The child cannot see duality, is unable to put the good and bad qualities of a parent together. In the child's mind there is only bad.
Common behaviours, that have been identified, as consistent with that of an alienated child, is their strong resistence to contact with the rejected parent, their absolute refusal to see the parent in any setting and their determination to end the child-parent relationship. They strongly articulate their right, to choose, not to have contact with the rejected parent. They insist this decision is theirs and theirs alone.
Other common behaviours identified are around the child's story. Their allegations about the rejected parent are mostly identical to that of the aligned parent's allegations and stories. The story is scripted and repeated endlessly with little or no underlying detail to support the allegations, unlike children with true histories of abuse or neglect. The alienated child has adopted the allegations. The alienated child's story sounds rehearsed with frequent use of adult language and phrases. There is no obvious guilt as the child continues to viciously denigrate the rejected parent.
Alienated children have been given permission to be powerful, hostile and rude to the rejected parent and his or her extended family. Even previously cherished pet, living with the rejected parent may be discarded and denigrated with proud descriptions of their new perfect replacements provided by the aligned parent (kelly & Johnson 2001)
The alienated child idealises the aligned parent. They will not contemplate any other suggestion. They may describe how the aligned parent has been harmed emotionally, physically or financially by the rejected parent.
The aligned parent may believe their child does not need the rejected parent in his or her life. The aligned parent may insist, the child is free to visit the rejected parent, however attempts to contact or visit the child are viewed as harassment. Phone calls, messages or cards are not passed on to the child. Information about school, medication, special events or sports days and such like are not passed on to the rejected parent. All references to the rejected parent are removed from the residence including pictures, which may be torn up in front of the child. Most children quickly learn not to speak of the rejected parent. The rejected parent is effectively shut out of the child's life. The aligned parent will strongly support their angry child's right to make their own decisions in relation to contact with the rejected parent.
The alienated child may present, as very distraught and angry and yet appear, at least superficially, to be functioning adequately. They present as well adjusted in other settings such as schools, sports, hobbies and such like. however the child's black and white views, coupled with harshly strident views and feelings are usually reflected in their dealings with their peers and those in authority.
The behaviour of the alienated child within the home of the rejected parent may be severely problematic. They may destroy property. They prefer to be in contact constantly with the aligned parent, frequently speaking in code, and whispering hostile observations about the rejected parent's behaviours, meals, personality and words.
When the alienated child is refusing contact with the rejected parent, all efforts by the rejected parent to communicate directly with the child will be to no avail. The alienated child may demand, the parent never contact them again. They may demand the rejected parent stop "harassing" them with presents and cards, which will likely go unopened and may be discarded. They may demand the rejected parent stop their useless legal efforts and court appearances.
Bone & Walsh (1999) provide four criteria which they suggest may be used as a guide in the process of considering the presence or absence of alienation. The first is around, the blocking of access and contact between the child and the targeted parent. Sometimes the aligned parent will cite access as being "unsettling" on the child, any deviations to schedules is used as an excuse to terminate access. Bone & Walsh suggest, access between the child and the targeted parent is relegated to a "chore". The absent parent is to be treated less like a key family member. This sends a clear but unspoken message to the child that one parent is "senior" to the other parent. This, they suggest, results in the erosion of the child's relationship with the absent parent.
The second criteria is around, unfounded allegations of emotional abuse. The authors suggest this may occur as a result of one parent allowing a child to stay up later than the other parent would, or one parent introducing the child to a "significant other" before the other parent feels they should or where one parent, enrols the child in a activity that the other person disagrees with.
These author's suggest this is a matter of simple differing parental judgement rather than emotional abuse. They suggest it is easier to allege emotional abuse as there is no physical evidence or third party witnesses.
Bone & Walsh caution against a parent who is eager to hurl allegations of abuse rather than a parent who is being cautious, careful and even reluctant to do so. They argue the latter approach is one of, a parent who is mindful of, supportive of and encouraging of a relationship between the child and absent parent. For Bone & Walsh, the responsible parent will only allege abuse after he or she has tried to rationalise why the issue at hand, is not abusive. They conclude they alienating parent will not miss an opportunity to make allegations of abuse against the absent parent.
The third criterion, provided is referred to as the deterioration of the parent-child relationship since a separation or divorce. They advocate for, a close evaluation of the pre-separation relationship between the child and now, absent parent. They suggest if this evaluation is omitted, there may be assumptions made by professionals, that the current child-parent relationship is a true reflection of the child-parent relationship. This may result in professional recommending reduced contact between the child and absent parent. This may add to the alienating process albeit, unknowingly so, on the part of the professionals.
The fourth criteria provided, is around the child's intense fear reaction. These author's suggest the child is frequently being placed into loyalty tests, thus forcing the child to choose a parent. They suggest this is characterised by the child who, begins to loudly protest when the appointed time of access arrives. The aligned parent presents, as bewildered in relation to the child's sudden change in feelings. The aligned parent will frequently appear to support the child's relationship with the absent parent. They conclude, this is an example of the child, being placed in a position to act out their loyalty to the aligned parent.
The impact of alienation on the child is well documented in the empirical literature. The inner self of the child may disappear as the child is brought up to fulfill the needs of the aligned parent. This may result in the child sacrificing their authentic desires, needs and characteristics. The inner reality of the child is likened to emotional abuse, buried beneath the hostility and rejection , the child feels the loss of a once warm and nurturing parent with guilt over their rejection (Andre,2004) Some other examples provided by Baker & Ben Ami (2011) include, diminished self esteem which is associated with overly dependent behaviour, depression, insecure attachment style, difficulties with identity development and psychosomatic illness. Children of parents in high conflict divorces experience painful loyalty conflicts which creates sadness and depression (Baker,2007 & Buchanan et al,1991)Triangulation is one of the main elements of marital breakdown that is harmful to the child's long term adjustment (Emery, 2004)
Critics of this phenomenon broadly fall into two categories (Clarkson & Clarkson, 2007) The first category, suggest the concept of alienation has been invented to excuse neglectful or abusive parenting. The second category accepts the existence of the phenomenon but disputes the scientific formulation of it. Other critics, argue it is not listed in the DSM IV (TR) and therefore it does not exist.
Supporters of the concept of alienation suggest, healthy established parental relationships do not erode on their own, they must be attacked (Bone & Walsh,1999) They suggest children do not naturally lose interest in and become distant from their non resident parent simply as a result of the absence of that parent. They argue allegations of neglect or abuse ought to be fully investigated to ensure the safety of the child. They suggest, in cases of alienation, the allegations will be unsubstantiated (Ellis & Boyan,2010). They argue, there is a crucial need to distinguish between real estrangement and alienation. They argue, to suggest alienation is not real, as it is not listed in the DSM IV (TR) is like saying AIDS did not exist in 1980 because it was not then listed in the DSM.
It's normal for kids to be anxious from time to time, but how can you know whether your child's worries are cause for concern? Here are smart suggestions from the experts at the Child Mind Institute
All kids have fears. Your baby may panic if a stranger picks her up. Your toddler may be afraid of dogs. Your third grader may get a stomach-ache the day he's starting a new school. But some kids worry a lot more than others. It's always painful to watch a child suffer from anxiety, but it's especially difficult if you're not sure whether she's worrying too much and might need help.
The difference between normal worry and an anxiety disorder is severity. Although feeling anxious is a natural reaction to a stressful or dangerous situation, a child may need help if his anxiety is out of proportion, if it persists, or if it interferes with his life and healthy development.
Signs Your Child May Be Anxious
A young child who is overwhelmed by worries may not realise that those worries are unrealistic or exaggerated, and he may not express them, except by his behaviour. If he's anxious that something might happen to a parent, he may have trouble separating, or falling asleep. If he can't stop worrying about getting sick, he might seek constant reassurance, or wash his hands obsessively.
Children who have severe anxiety will also try to avoid the thing that triggers it. If a child refuses to participate in activities other children enjoy; if she throws a tantrum before every appointment with the dentist or doctor appointment; if she gets sick on Sunday nights, or spends a great deal of time in the sch, serious anxiety may be the culprit.
Separation Anxiety
Separation Anxiety
If the prospect of being separated from parents or caregivers causes a child extreme distress, she may have separation anxiety disorder. Difficulty separating is normal in early childhood; it becomes a disorder if the fear and anxiety interfere with age-appropriate behaviour, whether it's letting a parent out of her sight at 18 months or being dropped off at school at age 7.
A child with separation anxiety might have an extremely difficult time saying goodbye to her parents, being alone on one floor of the house, or going to sleep in a darkened room, because she is terrified that something will happen to her or her family if they are separated. She might avoid playdates and birthday parties; at home, she might "shadow" one parent constantly. She might experience stomach-aches, headaches, and dizziness in anticipation of the separation.
Generalised Anxiety Disorder
If a child seems to worry too much, in a pervasive way, about ordinary, everyday things, he might have something called generalized anxiety disorder. This kind of anxiety is often focused on performance in school or sports -- Will I pass the test? What if I don't play well? Will I get into a good college? It may drive extreme studying or practicing, making the child "his own tyrant," in the words of one Child Mind Institute clinician.
Kids with GAD worry incessantly about their ability to meet expectations. They tend to seek reassurance in an attempt to assuage their fears (Will we get there on time? What if I can't fall asleep the night before the test?) and they can be rigid and irritable. The stress they experience can lead to physical symptoms, including fatigue, stomach-aches, and headaches.
Specific Phobias
If a child isn't anxious in general, but is excessively fearful of a particular object or situation, he may have a specific phobia. This crippling fear will manifest when he's confronted by the thing -- dogs, clowns, loud noises, water, insects, the dark -- either directly or indirectly, such as seeing an image or hearing a song about it.
Children with specific phobias will anticipate and avoid the thing that triggers their fear, which can severely limit their activities. They may cry or throw tantrums to avoid the object of their distress, or experience physical symptoms like trembling, dizziness, and sweating.
Social Anxiety Disorder
Most children are occasionally shy or self-conscious, but when a child (usually a teenager) is excessively worried about doing something embarrassing, or being judged negatively, she may have social anxiety disorder. Fear of doing something that may cause humiliation may prompt a child to avoid school or other social situations, and to cry or throw tantrums when pressured to go.
Some children have social anxiety focused on performing -- speaking in class, for instance, or ordering in restaurants and shopping in stores. Others also have anxiety in social situations even when they're not in the spotlight, which makes them fear going to school, eating in public, and using public toilets.
Selective Mutism
If a child is talkative in the privacy of home but unable to speak in school and other social situations, she may have selective mutism. Parents and teachers sometimes interpret this silence as wilful, but the child is actually paralyzed by extreme self-consciousness.
Selective mutism can cause a child severe distress -- she can't communicate even if she is in pain, or needs to use the bathroom -- and can prevent her from participating in school and other activities. Some children seem frozen, like deer in the headlights, when they are called upon to speak. Others will use gestures, facial expressions, and nodding to communicate without talking. Even at home, some will fall silent when anyone other than a family member is present.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
If a child is plagued with intense fears, and feels compelled to perform repetitive rituals to make them go away, he may have obsessive-compulsive disorder. Children with OCD are overwhelmed by unwanted thoughts and fears (obsessions), which they defuse, or neutralize, by repetitive actions (compulsions).
Common obsessions are fear of contamination, fear that they or someone close to them will be harmed, and fear that they themselves will do something terrible. They may compulsively wash their hands, lock and relock doors, or touch parts of their bodies symmetrically to neutralize the fear and make themselves comfortable. They may also repeatedly ask questions and seek reassurance, and they may insist that others participate in their rituals.
What To Do If Your Child May Need Help?
The first step in seeking help for a child is an evaluation. The clinician you see should have diagnostic expertise and should explain the sources of information she's going to use. It's a good idea to keep track of the behaviours that worry you and when they occur, to help identify possible triggers. A brief office visit with your child is not sufficient for a diagnosis.
In choosing a professional to treat your child, it's best to find someone trained to work with children -- a board certified child and adolescent psychiatrist, or a licensed psychologist. The clinician should explain clearly what a therapy entails, what it's effective for, why he recommends it, and the extent of his training and experience with it.
Mental health problems affect about one in ten children and young people. They include depression, anxiety and conduct disorder, and are often a direct response to what is happening in their lives. By teaching our children and young people about feelings, how they can effect the body and how to cope with them, can alleviate problems now and in later life.
The emotional well-being of children is just as important as their physical health. Good mental health allows children and young people to develop the resilience to cope with whatever life throws at them and grow into well-rounded, healthy adults.
Things that can help keep children and young people mentally well include:
being in good physical health, eating a balanced diet and getting regular exercise
having time and the freedom to play, indoors and outdoors
being part of a family that gets along well most of the time
going to a school that looks after the well-being of all its pupils
taking part in local activities for young people.
Other factors are also important, including:
feeling loved, trusted, understood, valued and safe
being interested in life and having opportunities to enjoy themselves being hopeful and optimistic
being able to learn and having opportunities to succeed
accepting who they are and recognising what they are good at
having a sense of belonging in their family, school and community
feeling they have some control over their own life
having the strength to cope when something is wrong (resilience) and the ability to solve problems.
Most children grow up mentally healthy, but surveys suggest that more children and young people have problems with their mental health today than 30 years ago. That’s probably because of changes in the way we live now and how that affects the experience of growing up.
Dealing with Change
Mostly things that happen to children don’t lead to mental health problems on their own, but traumatic events can trigger problems for children and young people who are already vulnerable.
Changes often act as triggers: moving home or school or the birth of a new brother or sister, for example. Some children who start school feel excited about making new friends and doing new activities, but there may also be some who feel anxious about entering a new environment.
Teenagers often experience emotional turmoil as their minds and bodies develop. An important part of growing up is working out and accepting who you are. Some young people find it hard to make this transition to adulthood and may experiment with alcohol, drugs or other substances that can affect mental health.
Risk Factors
There are certain ‘risk factors’ that make some children and young people more likely to experience problems than other children, but they don’t necessarily mean difficulties are bound to come up or are even probable.
Some of these factors include:
having a long-term physical illness
having a parent who has had mental health problems, problems with alcohol or has been in trouble with the law
experiencing the death of someone close to them
having parents who separate or divorce
having been severely bullied or physically or sexually abused
living in poverty or being homeless
experiencing discrimination, perhaps because of their race, sexuality or religion
acting as a carer for a relative, taking on adult responsibilities
having long-standing educational difficulties.
How Parents Can Help?
If they have a warm, open relationship with their parents, children will usually feel able to tell them if they are troubled. One of the most important ways parents can help is to listen to them and take their feelings seriously. They may want a hug, they may want you to help them change something or they may want practical help.
Children and young people’s negative feelings usually pass. However, it’s a good idea to get help if your child is distressed for a long time, if their negative feelings are stopping them from getting on with their lives, their distress is disrupting family life or they are repeatedly behaving in ways you would not expect at their age.
Types of mental health problem
These are some of the mental health problems that can affect children and young people. You can find out more from the Mental Health Foundation booklet Whatever Life Brings.
Professional Help
If your child is having problems at school, a teacher, school nurse, school counsellor or educational psychologist may be able to help. Otherwise, go to your GP or speak to a health visitor. These professionals are able to refer a child to further help. Different professionals often work together in Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS)
Mums, what is the most important thing that your kids should eat ? I hear you saying fruit and veggies…. But guess what? According to recent research by two Canadian microbiologists, B Brett Finlay and Marie-Claire Arrieta the answer would appear to be some plain good old healthy dirt according to their recently published book “ Let them eat dirt: Saving your child from an over sanitized world.”
They are not advocating that kids “chow down on filth, but we all need to come off our high horses on hygiene. For hundreds of years we have thought that cleanliness is next to godliness. It’s only in the last five or so years that we’re beginning to realize all the many ways in which over sanitization is actually damaging our children’s health.”
When my kids were young, I refused to buy into the TV ads that were promoting anti-bacterial household sprays…. These ads make us think that our kitchens need the same level of sterilisation as a hospital operating theatre and that all surfaces have to be shiny squeaky clean. Somewhere deep down I just knew this was wrong and that there was nothing wrong with a good old fashioned wipe of a cloth. I was right.
In terms of small children good hygiene is absolutely necessary and because of good practice, life expectancy has risen from the age of 40 in 1841 to 79 in 2011 .… In the past , the huge numbers of women dying of infection after childbirth were greatly reduced when the simple solution turned out to be good old hand scrubbing with carbolic soap. At the time, the doctor who first suggested this was ridiculed by his colleagues.
However, in recent times we have gone overboard with too much sanitization with the result being a huge increase in chronic non- infectious diseases such as : allergies, asthma, inflammatory bowel disease and many auto-immune diseases.
From 1990 to 1998 ( only 8 years !) in the UK the wheezing rates of pre-schoolers aged 1 to 5 has doubled and each year the number of British allergy sufferers increases by 5 %, and those with food allergies had doubled in a decade! It is predicted that by 2025 asthma will be the most common chronic childhood disease in the UK. What is going on ?
In an effort to find the answers, Arrieta and Findlay undertook a study which showed that 3 month old babies with 4 specific microbes in their faeces were significantly less likely to develop asthma. Whilst acknowledging that asthma has genetic components some other factors are also crucial. Microbes were the answer. They say that, “In our quest to get rid of the bad bugs we have been getting rid of the good ones too and we desperately need these. Our modern hyper-clean lifestyles are contributing to the rise of these diseases.”
This “ hygiene hypothesis” is not new and was first suggested by Prof. David Strachan in 1989 when he linked the lack of exposure to germs and the surge in allergies
When a baby is born, it has a gut full of immature immune cells and it spends the first few months of its life being colonized by bacteria. If over sanitization prevents this natural occurrence from happening the immune system does not mature and the child is unable to fight off diseases efficiently.
A study by the Centre for Environment and Health in Belgium in 2015 concluded that exposure to bleach in the home was associated with a 20% rise in the risk of flu and a 35% rise in recurrent tonsillitis in schoolchildren. In 2016 the US Food & Drug Administration banned some of the chemicals used in anti-bacterial products.
So maybe it’s time to get rid of all those man -made products that super-squeaky clean our homes. Our grannies used to use good old lemons, baking soda and lavender oils to keep the home fresh.
Findlay and Arrieta also advise parents to limit white flour and sugar in children’s diets as these starve the good microbe and to limit the use of anti-biotics
Findlay says, “ let them play in the dirt .Don’t wash toys unless they are visibly grubby, don’t panic about washing hands unless they are about to eat, relax about sanitizing your home. Oh, and get a dog. Dogs reduce your children’s risk of getting asthma by 13%. It doesn’t work that way with cats as they are too aloof with kids. Dogs on the other hand, will slobber all over them.”
So, your kids need to get out of doors and get dirty! My granny used to say,” A bit of dirt never hurt anyone.” Turns out that she was right all along.
When a family Christmas is complicated and not such a happy time….
The festive season can be one of the most stressful times of year for many families. It does not seem to matter if you are a two parent nuclear family, a lone parent, a non-resident parent, a widowed parent, a separated parent, a divorced parent, a step-parent or whatever…. It can get complicated as many of us know and many parents and grandparents can feel more lonely and isolated than at any other time of year. Families are complex entities at the best of times and Christmas can heighten under-lying tensions with in-laws and out-laws all wanting a piece of the action and we can all feel anxious and vulnerable when kids are involved.
When my two sons were small I separated from their father and we then co-parented to the best of our ability. My family are all in different countries and his family all in Ireland. The first Christmas after I moved out, the kids wanted the usual big “happy family” gathering and I simply could not join a big extended family “do” at the time, so, they were with me on Christmas Eve and their dad collected them for his week on Christmas Day. I headed to the hills alone to a friend’s log cabin with my favourite food, books, paints, walking boots and writing materials and decided to rest and retreat. I had time by myself and they had time with grandparents, cousins and others. I consciously decided to let go of expectations and simply be with the reality that was. I knew that it was my choice to be/jealous/angry/sad or not, and I decided to make the best of it! I had precious time for me which as it happened was exactly what I needed.
As the years went by I experimented with many things at Christmas which might be useful to share with you since it’s that time of year and this may be your first “complicated Christmas”; you might be alone, or alone with your kids, there may be new partners, new children, steps and halves or any permutations that might be relevant to you. These days any combinations are possible and you may be a high functioning co-parent with good mutual communication or you may be going through the courts with no possibility of reasonable contact. Whatever your circumstances , if you and your ex have kids then you need to act as adults and the best Christmas present for them will be to minimize any unnecessary stress between the pair of you.
PLAN AHEAD: Try to plan as far ahead as possible to avoid any last minute issues of availability or mis-understandings. It might help to make a time-table so that everyone knows what is going on and to email it to the households concerned in the hope of avoiding unnecessary conflict and emotional turmoil. Uncertainty breeds anxiety.You need to do what you can ahead of time so maybe start to plan at Halloween. To ease tensions may mean thinking in years rather than weeks. For example you have your children on alternate Christmas Eves or Days. This way, you know well in advance what you can plan for your times off. It is far better if parents can decide this mutually rather than letting the courts decide which in my opinion is a last resort.
BE FLEXIBLE: “You can please some of the people some of the time but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.” So you might need to be flexible and re-consider some of your own expectations. What a difference a day makes….. or does it? We have an emotional relationship with Christmas …and would it really be a problem if you had your “Christmas Day” a few days earlier or made a special day another time??
BE AWARE of LOYALTY and LOSS: due to separation/divorce etc. Christmas time can heighten feelings of loss for children and they can feel disloyal when spending time with one or other parent. So as a parent (and hopefully one who can act like an adult!) it’s important to encourage your child to “go and have a good time” with your ex partner and family. This can release them from guilt and worry about you. If you have to spend time alone then it’s important that you schedule things to do for yourself when they are away…. Rest, see friends, go to the movies, do some voluntary work…. Whatever makes you feel good. Do not sit and mope!! It’s not good for you or them.
There is no such thing as a “perfect Christmas”… it’s a myth and it’s just one day out of 364 so don’t sweat the small stuff!
Do what you can and accept the things that you cannot change…..Christmas Day should not be a day for confrontations if at all possible. Try to keep the peace just for today.
Listen to your kids….. ask them what they want to do. Never force them to spend time with someone they are not comfortable with. They have their reasons and may need protecting.
If you live with your kids and your ex partner is unreliable or does not want to see them this can be very stressful but try to remain positive and see if there are other parents out there in similar situations and join forces with them. This can diffuse the situation. I had one Christmas where 17 people came with a crew of kids for a pot luck lunch. It was fantastic.
The last thing you want to do is to create a Christmas full of conflict and tension for your kids. If you and your ex partner are high-functioning co-parents despite being separated you may choose to celebrate the day together. There are no wrongs and no rights when it comes to these decisions but explain to your kids that this is the plan and also make sure they know that it does not mean that you are reconciling
Never try to compete with your ex partner over who gives the biggest/best present! My ex always gave big presents so I gave small presents like tools , pocket knives or creativity kits and then organised “fun” days full of adventure out in the hills or down by the river. Presence is better than presents.
When it comes to step parents, step grandparents and step children should be encouraged to give gifts to each other that feel appropriate to their relationship.
Whatever your particular circumstances it is important to remember that nothing stays the same and change is the only certainty. Your children will grow up and fly the nest and make their own Christmas plans in future. At this stage, I have had many different types of Christmas days some good and some not so .This is just the way things are and you are not alone. We are all human and Christmas can be painful and tiring There are thousands of parents struggling and all you can do is your best on the day, so keep taking those big deep breaths make the best of it.
Remember… there are 364 other days in the year to have fun!! 😊 Written by our in-house psychotherapist, Judith Ashton BA ITEC MFPhys IMTAW
What ever the make up of your family we the Buddy Bench wish you very Happy Holidays and look forward to hearing from many of you in 2107.
