7 Mental Well-Being Tips For Children

Buddy Bench Programmes

1. Getting in touch with the body
Although anxiety might start out as a negative thought or worry, it is always experienced in the body as a feeling. People who are over-anxious have agitated bodies – their hearts are beating faster, their breathing is quicker and they might experience symptoms such as sweaty palms or pains in their stomachs. As well as tackling the thinking that causes anxiety, an important way to overcome anxiety is to learn to manage the feelings of anxiety and, in particular, learning to relax the body.

Generally, a key feature of problematic anxiety is that the child is out of touch with their body. They are often living too much in their heads (which are full of anxiety-laden thoughts, ruminations and worries). Frequently, the goal is to help them “get out of their heads” and live more in their bodies; you want them to stop over-thinking and to start living. Sometimes, anxiety is caused by the mind misunderstanding the body’s basic signals as in the case of a panic attack. For example, an anxious teen might notice their heart breathing faster, causing them to worry that they are having a heart attack which, in turn, causes their heart to beat even faster and so the anxiety escalates.

2. Learning to relax in the face of anxiety
A key step in overcoming anxiety is becoming aware of how it impacts on your body and then learning ways to discharge those feelings in order to relax your agitated body which, in turn, relaxes your mind. In my clinical experience, different techniques work for different children and adults. For example, some children can readily use introverted activities such as becoming aware and slowing their breathing and others find extroverted activities easier such as using physical exercise to discharge their anxiety. As a result, you have to be patient to find out what works for your child. Below are some of the techniques that I have found most useful when working clinically with children, all of which need to be practised regularly if they are to work.

3. Encouraging body awareness
The first step is to help children become aware of exactly where and how they experience anxiety in their body. For example, a child anxious going to school might experience tummy pains (and interpret this as being sick and a reason to avoid school). It can be helpful to invite them to notice this as being caused by anxiety – “Sometimes, worries can cause us to feel a tummy pain.” I find it useful to make a body map with children, where you draw out or colour in the different parts of the body where they experience anxiety symptoms. This helps them tune into their body and not to be overwhelmed by the anxiety.

4. Physical exercise and relaxation
Doing something physical and then relaxing afterwards is an excellent method of dealing with anxiety. This might be as simple as going for a walk when you feel anxious, taking 10 minutes on the trampoline or doing 10 press-ups. More formally this could mean practising the evidence-based technique of progressive muscular relaxation (PMR) whereby you practise systemically tensing and then relaxing each part of your body. PMR is usually learned by listening to a audio guide (many of which are available on YouTube) that you could use with your child as part of their bedtime routine. In using physical exercise techniques, a key aspect is to get your child to focus on their body as they exercise and then to take time to relax afterwards.

5. Breathing and relaxation
A second major set of techniques that you can use to help children to relax, is encouraging them to become aware of their breathing. There are many different breathing techniques that you can use but simple ones such as counting slowly as you breathe can work well. For example you can invite your child to breathe in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, relax 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and then breathe out 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. The goal is to help children slow their breath (which reduces anxiety) and to attend to their body (which stops them attending to worrying thoughts).

6. Mindfulness and meditation
The practice of mindfulness and meditation provides many different tactics that you can teach children as a means of managing their anxiety. In simple terms, these techniques focus on helping children simply notice and accept what is happening in their bodies and environment without trying to change anything. Given the current popularity of mindfulness, there are literally hundreds of guides on how to teach children. Have a search online.

7. Positive visualisation
As anxious children often have great imaginations (unfortunately focused on negative things), a good technique can be to teach them to use positive visualisation as a means of relaxing. For example, as a ritual during the bedtime routine, you can listen to an audio clip with relaxing music that encourages a child to identify a happy memory or a safe relaxed place which they can practise recalling when anxious or as a means of aiding sleep. Learning the discipline of distracting your mind from negative and fruitless worries is a key tactic in managing anxiety.

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We teach each of these element in our positive mental well being workshops for primary school children. To book us come to your school email us on hello@buddybench.ie or call (056) 7702027.

The Importance of Giving Children Chores and Responsibilities

Written by our in-house psychotherapist Judith Ashton BA ITEC MFPhys IMTA,

I recently visited an African friend of mine who has three small boys under four years old. She is a wonderful mother and I have never seen her stressed or raising her voice to her children. She appears very relaxed and unflappable. She is firm and fair with her children and they are very well behaved. At  29 years old she seems to have embraced motherhood in a very happy and fulfilled way. I have often marvelled at her poise and wondered how she manages to manage her life with three little ones. They are all energetic , they play well but are rarely over the top.  Many young Irish mums with three under four would be freaking out, out of control , complaining of soaring stress levels and there would be noise and mayhem.

What is my African friend’s secret? Given , she has a wonderful partner and they are both consistent in their approach to their children but he works shifts and she is alone and housebound much of the time . How is she coping so very well?

The children have tasks that she expects them to do every day. These tasks include tidying up their toys, cleaning their teeth, laying the table, putting their used plates in the sink ( even tho they can hardly reach it!)putting on their pyjamas, going to bed when told , helping her and each other and sweeping the floor. She has gently and effectively trained her sons to do these chores . They know they have to do them and accept that it is expected of them and they will not get a treat if they don’t. A treat in this case may be: a biscuit, an apple or to watch TV. As a consequence these boys are very well behaved and polite.

When I was a child we all had chores. Many young families these days, don’t seem to . According to Richard Rende, developmental psychologist and co-author of “Raising can-do kids.”, chores benefit  kids emotional, academic and even professional development. He says, “ Parents today want kids spending time on things that can bring success, but ironically, we’ve stopped one thing that’s actually been a proven predictor of success and that is household chores.”

Research shows that giving children household chores at an early age builds such qualities as self-reliance and  responsibility. Professor Rossman from University of Minnesota followed a  group of 84 children from pre-school to their mid 20s and she found that the ones who had done chores from the ages of 3 and 4 achieved higher academic scores, had better relationships with friends and      family, earlier career success and were generally more self-reliant than the kids who had no chores or who started chores in their teens.

Another study from Richard Weissbourd of Harvard Graduate School of Education found that chores teach children about empathy and being responsive to other’s needs. He  surveyed 10,000 high school children and asked them to rank achievement or happiness over caring for others. The interesting result was that 80% chose happiness and achievement over caring for others…..He says that this shows, “We’re out of balance because research suggests that most personal happiness comes not from high achievement but from strong relationships and caring for others! A good way to  start readjusting priorities, is by learning to be kind and helpful at home.”

The message seems to be; do not to fixate on grades and academic achievement over and above chores . Grades are not more important than caring for others. Chores teach a child about emotional intelligence and caring , the very human qualities which in turn lead to happiness.

Ways to engage and motivate your child to do chores

In a study of 150 3 to 6 year olds published in the journal of Child Development  researchers found that thanking young children for ,”being a helper” rather than, “helping” increased their desire to pitch in. This seemed to create a positive identity, eg being known as a person who helps.

It is important to schedule chores : so make a timetable and stick it on the fridge. This creates a routine along with other commitments.

Start from an early age and slowly add more responsibility.

Chores are things that do not always need rewards… they simply have to be done! Who rewards mum for doing the ironing or dad for cutting the grass ?!

Psychologists differentiate between self -care tasks e.g.; tidying your bedroom and family- care tasks e.g. Sweeping the kitchen floor or washing up. Family care tasks foster empathy for others and build sense of social responsibility. Let your child choose his/her task and then they are more likely to follow through.

Language re: chores is important when co-operation counts. There is a difference between commanding a child, ”Do your chores!” as opposed to, “Let’s do our chores.”  Chores are more of a way of caring for others as opposed to a punishment.

The more we complain about housework…. So will children, so try to keep as positive as possible about what needs to be done and hopefully home life will be harmonious and everyone will be caring and happy!

I look forward to following my friend’s 3 boys over the years ahead.

Good luck and today is a good day to start with giving your child some chores around the home!

Raise Happy, Successful Children with These Habits

A No Rule Day !

The responsibilities of a parent are possibly the biggest anyone might face in their lives. Not only are you responsible for keeping another human being alive and safe for the first stage of their life, but also for teaching them how to be healthy, happy and decent.

What most parents do not know is that until the age of about seven, they are their child’s only role-model. Your children are watching you 24/7 to figure out how to survive in this crazy world, and what behaviors and emotional responses they need to exhibit to meet their needs, such as attention, love, significance, comfort and affection.

In the case of parenting, actions speak louder than words. If you are telling your children to play fair at school and be nice, but at home you are constantly snapping at your partner, it is what you do rather than what you say that will have the bigger impact. They will either adopt the same behavior or rebel against it, neither of which are predictable.

This does not mean you have to be model parents all the time. That would be unrealistic. You are only human after all. However, being aware of your behavior in front of your children, and explaining your behavior to them in an emotionally intelligent way, are crucial. Making sure they recognize it is about you, not them, is key to bringing up emotionally healthy kids. What other habits do you need to adopt to raise happy and successful children?

1) Demonstrate independence
If you want to raise independent children, you need to teach them how to be independent. This includes leading by example. Needy parents often hold their children responsible for their emotions, creating environments of psychological control: “Behave this way or mummy / daddy will be very stressed / hurt / upset.”

Children do not get the chance to explore what they like or dislike, or who they are in this kind of environment, always trying to be someone that mum or dad wants them to be. They will continue this way into their teens, and will be more susceptible to peer pressure in later life, being someone they are not just to fit in.

2) Let go of your need to controlWe all want a level of certainty in our lives, but real happiness comes from being able to live in a world of uncertainty - knowing that no matter what happens ‘out there,’ we will be OK – because in reality, we have very little control over anything.

Children brought up by over-controlling parents have been shown to have higher rates of stress and depression in later life. Believing they are incompetent, and that nothing they ever do is good enough, leads to low self-confidence and poor self-image.

3) Communicate calmly and intelligently
Successful people generally have high emotional intelligence and excellent communication skills. To give your kids a head start in developing these, you need to learn how to communicate calmly and intelligently yourself. Shouting not only creates a harsh environment for your children, but also teaches them that in order to make themselves understood, they have to shout. This will not help them in their relationships later in life.

Intelligent communication is communicating how you feel without blaming the other person. “When I see or hear ‘this,’ I interpret it as ‘x’ and that makes me feel ‘y’,” is a good format to start with.

4) Be present
Kids are more likely to be secure and self-assured when raised by parents who are present. Parents who spend more time on their phone, working, answering emails etc. are giving the impression their kids come second. While this might not be the case, children internalize and personalize everything. All your behavior will always be about them. Help your kids feel important by being present in their presence.

5) Be your own cheerleader
If you want your kids to have healthy self-esteem, you need to show them how to be their own internal cheerleader, to recognize their own value without relying on external sources. Start by praising their accomplishments, then migrate toward showing them how to recognize their own achievements, so when they are an adult they will not still be seeking your approval or that of others.

This must be done by leading by example. How good are you at recognizing your own self-worth and accomplishments? If the answer is “not very,” look at ways you can start to develop this so you can show your children how to do it for themselves.

6) Be open and warm
Successful, happy adults are generally great at forming friendships and relationships, most likely because they are open and approachable. Creating a warm, open environment for your children is crucial to their emotional wellbeing and success in later life.

Demonstrate affection and openness with your kids and partner, giving them the freedom to communicate how they feel and be who they are. This will positively impact your family, and bode well for your children’s future happiness.

7) Enjoy your children

Being a parent is a lot of work, a full time job  alongside a full time job. Our work is never ending and at times this is daunting for most of us. I sometimes have no rules days, where I give myself the freedom to escape routine, throw caution to the wind, dump housework go for long walk on the beach and get a bag of chips afterwards. My  daughter and I enjoy these seldom special days where we can just be, and enjoy the freedom.

What Makes a Child Fidget?

Judith Ashton In-house psychotherapist Buddy Bench

I have recently delivered our Buddy Bench Aware Programmes to several Irish primary schools and have noticed a great deal of fidgeting going on. The junior and senior infants being the “worst offenders” and this activity set me wondering about fidgeting. What it is and why does it happens?

More and more children are being diagnosed as having Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. When I was a child decades ago such a label did NOT exist. How come it does now? Could fidgeting be a symptom of some deeper issue?

Years ago when my own children were small I remember thinking how un-natural it was to expect a 3 -6 year old to sit still for hours on end when the natural language of a child’s young body is movement, feeling and touch ; these are their means of exploring the world of wonders into which they have recently arrived. If you watch any nature programme about young animals they are all either moving , playing, exploring, eating or asleep…. Rarely still.

In our present state educational system, children are expected to pay attention by sitting still in an un-naturally upright position for long periods of time. Kids are naturally full of energy and quite literally have energy to burn .There are numerous natural body positions for young children eg.  lying down, moving, dancing, rolling, climbing, tumbling, clowning, wrestling, jumping, skipping, hopping, spinning round, twisting, turning, falling and so on. Sounds familiar?  As a kid I never walked, I ran! I was constantly in motion. These days, many children lead sedentary lives and whilst in playgrounds are banned from chasing games, running , leap-frog,  skipping ropes, hop, skip and jump etc for fear of falling and litigation. Even the humble sand pit where digging and building used up energy has lost its place in childhood activities for fear of grains in young eyes!

The fact is,  many children are simply not getting enough exercise. Gone are the days of the long daily bag-carrying trek to school,  the parental taxi now drops kids from door to door rain or shine. Admittedly, children can be vulnerable if walking alone yet some urban schools have instigated healthy “crocodile programmes” where children and parents meet up and walk to school together. What a great idea… exercise and saving petrol all in one go!

Research from the early 1980’s shows that children  back then , had good core strength and good balance because of movement and mobility. Today only 1 in 12 children has good core strength and balance. What is this telling us about our children’s developing bodies? I am convinced that it’s because they are not moving enough or getting enough exercise, and I believe that this is why many are fidgeting and getting ADHD diagnoses.

Movement is not an option for a healthy body and mind but an essential part of daily activity. Children need to move in a multitude of ways for most of their waking hours not just using short bursts of energy at regulated times. All young animals need to move and explore with their bodies to make sense of the world around them. Many children are walking about with very poor co-ordination due to restriction of movement. Poor hand eye co-ordination and balance issues can be improved by ball throwing and catching and lots of cross lateral movements like skipping, crawling and hopping. Organised sports sessions after school and weekends are fine but movement needs to be frequent, intense and regular. For optimum health, kids need to get out of breath, sweat and get tired out. In short they need to let of steam … this will strengthen their developing bodies and diminish build- up of emotional pressure, this is good for healthy relationships, self- esteem and encourages healthy tiredness which in turn leads to healthy sleep patterns. Exercise also oxygenates the brain making children more alert, motivated and receptive to learning.

Children who lack exercise are not able to function properly on many levels. All the systems in a child’s body crave exercise and its myriad of benefits for growth, positive stimulation and optimum function.  : the child’s skeleton, the muscles, the digestive system, the nervous system, the lymphatic system etc. are all enhanced .

Inhibiting children (especially the youngest ones in schools) from moving by forcing them to conform to stillness and making them pay attention, is to rob them of the joys and benefits  of movement which are their rightful and natural states during childhood. Making them endure un-natural stillness and silence is bound to create trouble down the line for both mind and body. I believe this un-natural lack of movement and exercise is the root of much fidgeting and a possible over- diagnosis of ADHD.

In conclusion, to learn and to get the most out of school, children  need to be able to pay attention. To enable them to pay attention we need to encourage our kids to move, walk, run, hop, skip, jump, climb, fall, dance and twist and turn. In other words to mobilise every part of their body as often and as much as possible so that they can be happy, well balanced , healthy, sleep well at night and fidget less during the day.

Even better you need to join your young kids in all the above mentioned activities. Go for it, enjoy and have lots of fun …..

Judith Ashton 21/09/2016

Helping Your Child Cope with Back-to-School Anxiety

We don't want to acknowledge the fact that summer is nearing an end and we must at least start thinking of returning to school. Not only the young children who are starting school/pre-school may begin to feel anxious, lets face it is the topic of conversation, but older children and teens. Do you remember starting a new job?

Anxious feelings are normal and expected during times of transition or change.  This transition can be stressful and disruptive for the entire family! Prior to the first day of school, your anxious child may cling, cry, have temper tantrums, complain of headaches or stomach pains, withdraw, and become sullen or irritable.Worries are Common. Anxious children and teens worry about many different school-related issues, such as teachers, friends, fitting in, and/or being away from their parents. Some common worries include:

Who will be my new teacher?
What if my new teacher is mean?
Will any of my friends be in my class?
Will I fit in?
Are my clothes OK?
Will I look stupid?
Who will I sit with at lunch?
What if I miss the bus?
What if I can’t understand the new schoolwork?
What if something bad happens to mum or dad while I am at school?

Although it is normal for your child to have worries, it is crucial to make your child attend school. Avoidance of school will only increase and reinforce your child’s fears over the long-term, and make it increasingly more difficult to attend

Most importantly, anxious children and teens who miss school cannot gather evidence that challenges their unrealistic and catastrophic fears.

How To Deal With Back-to-School Worries!

Below are some general strategies parents can use to deal with back-to-school worries, followed by a schedule leading up to the first day of school.

Look after the basics.
Nobody copes well when they are tired or hungry. Anxious children often forget to eat, don’t feel hungry, and don’t get enough sleep. Provide frequent and nutritious snacks for your child. During this time, you also need to build in regular routines, so that life is more predictable for your child. These routines can involve the morning and bedtime habits, as well as eating schedules.

Encourage your child to share his or her fears.

Ask your child what is making him or her worried. Tell your child that it is normal to have concerns. Before and during the first few weeks of school, set up a regular time and place to talk. Some children feel most comfortable in a private space with your undivided attention (such as right before bed, or during mealtime). Teens often welcome some sort of distraction to cut the intensity of their worries and feelings (such as driving in the car, or taking a walk).



Avoid giving reassurance...instead, problem-solve and plan! Children often seek reassurance that bad things won’t happen in order to reduce their worry. Do not assure them with “Don’t worry!” or “Everything will be fine!” Instead, encourage your child to think of ways to solve his or her problem. For example, “If (the worst) happens, what could you do?” or “Let’s think of some ways you could handle that situation.” This gives you the opportunity to coach your child on how to cope with (and interpret) both real and imagined scary situations. You will also be giving your child the tools he or she needs to cope with an unexpected situation that might arise.

Here’s a sample script for engaging your child in problem-solving and planning (instead of giving reassurance):

Role-play with your child. Sometimes role-playing a certain situation with your child can help him or her make a plan, and feel more confident that he or she will be able to handle the situation. For example, let your child play the part of the demanding teacher or bullying classmate. Then, model appropriate responses and coping techniques for your child, to help them calm down.

Focus on the positive aspects!

Encourage your child to re-direct attention away from the worries, and towards the positives. Ask your child, "What are three things that you are most excited about on your first day of school?" Most kids can think of something good, even if it's just eating a special snack or going home at the end of the day. Chances are that the fun aspects are simply getting overlooked by repetitive worries.

Pay attention to your own behaviour. It can be anxiety-provoking for parents to hand over care and responsibility of their child to teachers. Children take cues from their parents, so the more confidence and comfort you can model, the more your child will understand there is no reason to be afraid. Be supportive yet firm. When saying goodbye in the morning, say it cheerfully – once! Ensure you don’t reward your child’s protests, crying, or tantrums by allow him or her to avoid going to school. Instead, in a calm tone, say: “I can see that going to school is making you scared, but you still have to go. Tell me what you are worried about, so we can talk about it.” Chances are, your child is anxious about something that requires a little problem-solving, role-playing, planning, and/or involvement from the teacher.

Timeline Leading Up to the First Day of School
(You may not need to take all of these steps)

At least one week before:
Start your child on a school-day routine – waking up, eating, and going to bed at regular times. Explain that everyone in the family needs to adjust to the new schedule, so he or she doesn’t feel alone with these changes.
For older children who having troubles getting up and out of bed, give them a “big person” alarm clock, and let them practice using it.
Ask your child to help plan school lunches for the first week.
Create a list of school supplies together and plan a fun shopping trip.

A couple days before school:
Go to school several times – walking, driving, or taking the bus. For young children taking the school bus, describe and draw out the bus route, including where the bus goes and how long it takes to get to school. Talk about bus safety.
For new students, take a tour of the school. Show your child the classrooms the and the bathrooms. If possible, meet your child’s teacher with your child present.
Ask your child to help choose the outfits for the first week of school. Let your child wear his or her favourite outfit on the first day.
Together with your child, pack up the schoolbag the night before.
For younger children who are nervous about separating, suggest taking a special object to school that reminds him of home. A reassuring note in a child’s lunch can also help ease separation anxiety.

The first day of school:
Have your child go to school with a friend for the first couple of days.
Tell the teacher that your child is having some separation anxiety – most teachers are experts in this area, and have years of experience!
Most importantly, praise and reward your child for brave behaviour!

Don’t Let Kids Spend Summer Days in a Screen-induced Haze

With school out for the summer, our kids’ (normally full) schedules are now wide open. How will your children spend their free time? If they’re like most kids, a whole lot of it will be in front of a screen.

It’s a common battlefront between parents and children, from toddlers to teens alike. Desperate parents may appease a screaming 2-year-old with a video or game on their phone. And one 13-year-old recently told CNN that when her phone gets taken away, “I literally feel like I’m going to die.”

But parents need to limit screen time, even if it means playing the bad guy — our children’s mental and physical health depends on it.

The physical effects of screen time

Obesity. Sitting in front of a television or computer is a “sedentary behaviour,” the American Medical Association says, which means it doesn’t burn much energy. Considering tweens in the U.S. stare at screens for more than four hours a day and teens up to seven hours, according to Common Sense Media, that’s a lot of sitting. In fact, fewer than four in 10 children meet both the physical activity recommendations and the screen time recommendations from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP).

Tweens in the U.S. spend at least four hours a day in front of a screen, even though the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends only an hour or two of screen time a day.

Sleep loss. Screens and that lack of physical activity affect their sleep, too. A 2014 study showed a connection between “excessive screen time and shorter sleep durations [which] are predictive of behavioral and social problems, poorer academic performance, and health conditions such as obesity.”

Hand pain. Not to mention the damage texting and gaming on our phones can do to our poor hands. A 2015 study in the journal Muscle & Nerve found that college students with high phone usage have more impaired hand function, thumb pain and repetitive-strain injuries than students who used their phone less.

Headaches. A 2016 study published in the Journal of Neurology and Psychology showed that complaints of headaches were higher in people who used their phone a lot than people with low phone usage. And headaches were longer and more frequent in heavy phone users, too.
The mental effects of screen time



The more teens look at social media, the more distressed they become, one study found. (Photo: SpeedKingz/Shutterstock)

Obsessive behavior. CNN recently conducted a study of how teens use social media by analyzing the social media accounts of 200 eighth graders across the U.S. (with their permission). The study authors found that the more kids checked social media, the more distressed they became. And some checked their accounts more than 100 times a day! Child clinical psychologist Marion Underwood, the study's co-author, told the network:
"This is an age group that has a lot of anxiety about how they fit in, what they rank, what their peer-status is. There is fear in putting yourself out there on social media and they hope for lots of likes and comments and affirmations but there is always the chance that someone could say something mean.

“I think they're addicted to the peer connection and affirmation they're able to get via social media. To know what each other are doing, where they stand, to know how many people like what they posted, to know how many people followed them today and unfollowed them ... that I think is highly addictive."

Negative influences. The AAP says increased exposure to television or computers may influence a child's opinion about things like junk food, alcohol, tobacco use or aggressive behavior. For example, the food in commercials aimed at kids is often high in sugar, fat or salt. And for older kids, video game ads and movie trailers may glorify violence.

Attention disorders. Smartphones can cause attention problems in kids of all ages. And in the youngest kids, parents’ own phone use can contribute to their children’s attention issues. A small 2015 study showed that when parents stop focusing on or playing with a baby to turn to their phone screen, the baby may mimic that behavior by playing with toys (or screens) for only a short period of time.

And another 2015 study showed that in people of all ages, including teens, heavy internet and phone users are more likely to lose concentration, forget information, have poor spatial awareness and make mistakes — even at times when they’re not connected to the internet or using their phones. These “cognitive failures,” as the study’s author calls them, may include missing appointments, failing to notice signs on the road, daydreaming during conversations and forgetting why they went from one part of the house to another.
Screen time recommendations by age

The American Academy of Pediatrics says children under 2 shouldn't have any screen time. But that recommendation may soon change. (Photo: Tomsickova Tatyana/Shutterstock)

The AAP recommends no screen time at all for children under 2, and only an hour or two a day for children over two. However, the organization is revising those guidelines and expects to issue new ones by October 2016.

"While we acknowledged that mobile and interactive screens have become ubiquitous in children's lives, we did not advocate for their wholesale adoption. I suspect that when [the new recommendations] do come out, the statements will be highly conservative, reinforcing much of what we have said in the past about the known effects of electronic media use on child health and development," David Hill, chairman of the AAP Council on Communications and Media and a member of the AAP Children, Adolescents and Media Leadership Working Group, told NPR.
Tips for reducing screen time

Put down your own phone. "Demonstrate your own mindfulness in front of your children by putting down your phone during meals or whenever they need your attention," Hill said in his interview with NPR.

Praise their "offline" behaviour. When you see them riding a bike or colouring, tell them how much you like what they're doing and ask them questions about it. "These conversations will help them focus on the joys of the 'real' world, and they will notice that their activity attracts your attention," Hill said.

Set limits, and stick to them. As you decide on limits, ask your kids what they think is fair. Even if you don't use their suggestions, asking them helps them feel heard and gives them input. And if they break the rules, enforce the punishment you set forth when making the house rules. Maybe they have to do more chores. Maybe their phone gets taken away. Whatever it is, stick to your guns.

Trim TV time. Don't keep televisions in children's bedrooms. Don't let kids watch TV during meals or while doing homework. And don't keep the TV on for background noise. If you're going to watch a show, decide on the show ahead of time and turn off the TV when it's over.

If you can't reduce, at least monitor closely. One surprising — and welcome! — finding from that CNN study was this: "Almost all parents — 94 percent — underestimated the amount of fighting happening over social media. Despite that finding, parents that tried to keep a close eye on their child's social media accounts had a profound effect on their child's psychological well-being." One expert even said that parental monitoring "effectively erased" the negative effects of their kids' online conflicts.

courtesy of:http://www.mnn.com/green-tech/gadgets-electronics/stories/dont-let-kids-spend-summer-days-screen-induced-haze

Understanding Friendship For Children

Parents can provide love and support that make it possible for your child to meet new people and make friends.....

When we come to the topic of friends, one thing is clear: everyone needs friends. I remember my childhood full of constant change of rental houses, resulting in me making new friends again and again. I was a very reserved child. Making friends was difficult for me. Even when I finally made some friends, it was time to move, again. This was one thing that I hated the most. For me friends and friendship was special and I believe it is special for every child.

The word 'friends' is so commonly used that people usually take it as something normal and not see its significance for a child. So what exactly is a friend? If you go by Aristotle's definition, "It's a single soul dwelling in two bodies". So much so that best friends acquire each other's behaviors and mannerisms, language and preferences. I remember while in school our whole group had the same type of handwriting. We even enjoyed same kinds of songs and similar sports.

Friends promote mental health and overall wellbeing for children of all ages. Friends and friendship is important for their social and emotional development. Just by having friends, children learn to relate with others, as they teach each other skills of being a good friend, and acquire social skills at the same time. Most children want to have friends. Children with friends are likely to be more confident and academically sound. Children constantly learning positive friendship skills are found to be happy and confident. These children are constantly making and retaining friends. Having said so, we rarely observe the development of friendship.

Friendship in children starts really early following their development growth and their perception of friendship varies with age. Up to one year just looking, smiling, touching and imitating do the job very well. As the child grows, the criterion for a friend gradually changes. Children between three to six years of age consider those who do something that pleases them as friends. For them friends are momentary playmates and friendship is about just having fun. They assume that other children think the same way. Hence they become upset when their friend has a different opinion, resulting in temporary conflict.

Children between five and nine years consider someone a friend if s/he gives them nice presents, shares things regardless of whether it's toys, time, games, experiences and feelings. Now children gradually learn that they can have their social needs met and they can meet others' needs too. This is also the time they start considering others' feelings and are interested in knowing how other people think about issues and objects. Indicating that they are gradually growing, they start caring a lot about friendship. Sometimes children from this age group tolerate someone they don't like just because they want to make new friends. Sometimes they might even use friendship as a bargaining chip. The next level of friendship includes fairness and cooperation and playing by the rules. This includes age group seven to twelve years.

For this age group close friendship is not just mutual exchange, but based on well-matched needs and skills, which change as they grow. They are able to consider a friend's perspective in addition to their own, but not at the same time. That means they understand turn taking, but they can't really step back and get an observer's perspective that would allow them to see patterns of interaction in their relationships. They are concerned about fairness and reciprocity. If they do something nice for a friend they expect that friend to do something nice for them at the next opportunity. If this doesn't happen, the friendship is likely to fall apart. Children in this stage are somewhat judgmental of both themselves and others.

Next level of friendship includes intimate, mutually shared relationships; this is also caring and sharing stage. Children aged eight to fifteen years are very much into solving each other's problems among friends; they also share and confide thoughts and feelings with each other that they don't usually share with others. They are familiar with compromising and genuinely care about each other's happiness.

They place high value on emotional closeness with friends and even accept and appreciate differences between themselves and their friends. Not being possessive, they're less likely to feel threatened if their friends have other relationships. Showing signs of mature friendship that emphasizes trust and support while remaining close over time. I know at this point you are thinking, 'Can parents contribute to this process?'

Yes, it's the parents who contribute actively in preparing the child to interact successfully with his/her peers because a child is born without social skills. Parents help build key social skills that help with friendship. These include cooperation, communication, empathy, emotional control and responsibility. In the process, parents and caretakers can provide children with opportunities to play with peers to gain experience and learn important social skills.

Parents are the coaches who teach positive social skills to their children, and help children use new skills in real-life situations. The most important thing for a parent is to help children solve friendship conflicts. Talking about problems with a supportive adult helps children think rationally about what happens, how they feel about it and what to do next. Thinking things through helps to build more mature social skills.

Finally, if as a parent you are concerned about your child not making enough friends, consider this: it is entirely possible that your child has a different social style to yours. You can play a crucial role in your child's social development. You can be a good role model but you cannot make friends for him/her. You can however provide your love, patience, and support that make it possible for your child to meet new people and make friends on their own. Now that is not too much of an expectation from a parent. Or is it?

 

 

Want Your Child to Feel Good About Themselves? - Follow Five Golden Rules

courtesy of http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/dr-kathryn-weston/want-your-child-to-feel-good-about-themselves_b_9689354.html

As a parent we do our best for our children every single day, we too are human and we can make mistakes and if like me I worry could I be a better parent, am I am spending enough quality time etc.....the mind chatters on. 

I found this article to share with you, just as guidelines, The years go by quickly so enjoy !

Most parents intuitively know that children need to feel good about themselves to be happy and to progress in life - the same applies to adults - but practically speaking, how does this work? What do we need to be doing or saying to our children to ensure that they grow up to be happy adults, with a strong 'sense of self' and the ability to take on the world?

(1) Get on with your partner

No-one is pretending that it is easy to sustain a long-term relationship with someone whilst raising children but don't be in any doubt: how you 'get on' with each other has a massive impact on how your child feels about themselves. Recent research by theEarly Intervention Foundation shows that unresolved inter-parental conflict can seriously affect children's long-term mental health and well-being. Witnessing ongoing and unresolved conflict can cause children to be aggressive, hostile and even violent. It contributes to the development of low self-esteem, anxiety and depression. It can also badly affect their performance in school and the development of emotional and social skills.

So what can you do?

If things are ticking along nicely for you as a couple, keep to these few pointers and you hardly go wrong; make your partner feel valued, as an individual and as 'the parent'; show your children what love 'looks like' between you; try to present a united front when dishing out the discipline, and most importantly, keep bigger disagreements until the kids are out of earshot.

If you are separated or in a difficult relationship with your partner, the latter rules still apply, but your child will need help navigating through the experience of living between two parents, homes, bedrooms and sets of family dynamics. Splitting up doesn't have to be a negative experience for children, but only if parents make their child's well-being the top priority.

Whatever your family set-up, don't be afraid to give your relationship an MOT orspring clean. Counsellors and couple therapists are there to help keep happy couples on track, as much as to sort out crises.

(2) Help your child shape their self-story

During pregnancy and throughout childhood, parents instinctively gather pictures of their children as they grow and develop. Pictures of our children are among the most precious of family artefacts and often listed among the 'first thing people would rescue from a house fire!' Besides being a record of family events, these images serve another critical function: they help shape children's emerging sense of self and belonging in the world. They tell the story of how our child was welcomed and wanted, and reveal the physical places and people that played a role in their early childhood. They document our children's physical progression and highlight their early achievements and milestones.

As parents we tend to focus on the future, but there are gifts in retrospection. Photographic material, film and family stories help create both self-identity, and family identity. They provide a foundational resource from which a child's positive self-esteem emerges.

In families where there may have been relationship breakdown, illness or death, a recalling and documenting of the past, with positive guidance from a loving parent or carer can help children move forward securely. Remember when you are cuddled up flicking through phone snaps or recounting family stories over the dinner table, emphasis joy and resilience. As a family, look forward to the next chapters of family life, as yet unwritten. Relish retrospection whilst conveying a sense of excitement about the future.

(3) Nip 'weeds' in the bud

It is normal for families to go through peaks and troughs throughout the year, but when issues arise for your child that are persistent and that affect the quality of their day-to-day life, parents need to tackle the problem head-on. Issues such as anxiety,problems with sleep and consistently poor behaviour at school, for example, are common 'weeds' that need to be nipped in the bud. Otherwise, what may start out as a small problem, can end up escalating badly, affecting siblings and other family members. Remember: whatever the issue, face-to-face help is out there or the end of a phone.

(4) Don't underestimate the power of modelling

'Modelling' is a concept frequently referred to by educators, but it lies at the core of great parenting too. It refers to how we model attitudes, behaviour and approaches to the children who live or work closely with us. Young children learn through observation and quickly absorb how their caretakers approach difficulties, relationships, good news or personal challenges. They learn how to respond, behave and even 'what to say' in each scenario, from us. As parents, our role is pivotal in shaping how they respond to the world around them so it makes sense to reflect on how we approach everyday challenges as individuals. Consider how you cope and react to being stuck in a traffic jam for example, right through to how you manage the loss of a loved one. However parents respond - rest assured your off-spring are watching and learning. 

(5) Tell them that you will always love them, no matter what

No matter their age, whether they are six or sixteen years old, children need to know that you won't stop loving them, no matter what happens in life, and no matter the path they take. Of course we work hard to help them steer a good course throughout childhood and the teen years, and understand that it isn't always easy for them. However, their knowledge of our unconditional love gives children a good dose of self-worth and the inner strength to face any life obstacle. A child's self-esteem is carefully constructed over time (imagine a wall made from Lego) brick by brick, its strength against life's knocks reinforced by strong parental attachments steeped in love, affection and reassurance.

Finally, please remember that years and years of research by psychologists and educators shows that the earlier you follow these tips, the better.